Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Bittersweet Journey

Today has been a bittersweet day. I talked with 2 dear friends and thoroughly enjoyed "catching up". I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who love God and desire to serve Him. I thank God for both Melynda and Susan.

I met with my counselor. His insight into me still amazes me. For the first time EVER, I feel like someone 'truly understands'/'gets it' and I know that his insight is because the Lord is working through him to change me. I could never thank God enough for allowing Jim to encourage and support me and I could never thank Jim enough for being so graciously willing to be a tool for the Lord.

I am ready for a change.
I am longing for a change.

Yet, apparently, this change is going to mean going back, in memory, to unpleasant times and I am not longing to re-live those moments and am having much difficulty with even admitting/facing the pain. We talked about some of the losses that I experienced during my teenage and young adult years. I find it easy to state the facts but assigning emotions to the incidents and drawing conclusions from those specific situations is frighteningly unnerving.

I made it through the conversation yet afterwards, my emotions were "shook up". That shouldn't be a bad thing but it scares the h*** out of me.
I am so scared that I will fail when facing my feelings.
I am scared of the ugliness it may reveal.
I am scared of it being too much for anyone to willingly handle.

I, tearfully, asked for prayers at our Ladies' Bible Study tonight.
I felt sheltered in their genuine concerns, comforted by their heartfelt prayers, yet fearful that I said too much. May God bless me with the ability of discernment on what and when to speak.
May He continue to strengthen and guide me as I learn these new skills on how to better relate to others and how to handle the emotions of life.

These precious groups of ladies have been such a wonderful addition to my life.
To be with people who desire authenticity in their relationship with the Lord and their relationships with others is refreshing.

I don't feel as if I have to live "The Stained Glass Masquerade" (lyrics below) anymore in my connection with my God or with the people in my life.

Thank You, God, for the freedom found in Christ.

I, also, spoke with Randy tonight. He is so near and dear to my heart. He may never know how much he means to me or how much his love for me has helped me to develop an even deeper love for God.

I am filled with excitement and dread about the journey I feel the Lord is leading me to take. May all I do, say, experience serve to help me love Him and others better. I MUST TRUST in His promises to shelter, sustain, comfort and uphold me. I can do ALL things THROUGH Christ and absolutely nothing without him.

"Stained Glass Masquerade"
(Sung by Casting Crowns)

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people?
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart?

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

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