Saturday, September 22, 2007

Blurry existence

These past couple of weeks have been such a blur. Thankfully, the hormonal issues seem to be working themselves out--yay! --Maybe it won't take the dreaded 3-month estimation, after all.

My classroom has been keeping me incredibly busy. I have an amazing group of students and I so want to make sure that I "do right" by them and I also have put pressure upon myself to make up for what I so desperately "lacked" with last year's group. Most of last year's group seems to be doing all right in 1st grade so hopefully; I didn't fail them as badly as I feared.

My kids this year are totally different in attitude and personality yet enjoyable, nonetheless. I am deeply concerned about one child in particular but have contacted the proper authorities, openly made myself available to him and his siblings in any way that may needed, and am fervently praying that God will watch over and protect these precious children from the imagined horrors of their daily lives.

Counseling has hit a new level of difficulty that is strangely accompanied by a sense of relief and peace. I am in the process of discovering the fact that "The truth shall set you free." Over the past couple of weeks, I have been able to identify and articulate my life's #1 need, outside of a relationship with God. May God bless Jim a little extra after the poor man (lol) had to 'deal with me' for 5+ hours over the past week or so. He has to be one of the most patient people in this world.

I think I have also 'finally' been able to break down/through to 2 core beliefs (that are proving themselves to be false) that I have unconsciously based my life upon. This was a double-edged sword type of realization because upon these realizations, I can now honestly/openly turn them over to God yet I am also having to see how basing my all on these false beliefs has effected how I have allowed myself to treat/view God, others, and myself. Humbling, encouraging, despairing, and relieving all at the same time.

I will close with some thoughts that truly resonated with me from Brian Mashburn's blog ON BECOMING TRUER. He articulates so many of my thoughts much better than I would ever even hope to.

Definition of Terms
On a scale of one to ten...one being worthless (even damaging) and ten being useful (even life-giving)...

If "optimism" is the denial of reality for the sake of avoiding pain: [1]
If "optimism" is the acknowledgment that there is good and usefulness in everything: [10]

If "giving" is done out of guilty obligation, legalistic righteousness, or to feel better about oneself: [1]
If "giving" is done out of the discovery that sacrificial love is the best, most rewarding possible life available to a human being: [10]

If "judgment" is the determination of what is right and wrong in people's lives and behavior [1].
If "judgment" is the determination of how to best love other people most profoundly despite what is right and wrong in their lives and behavior [10].

If "critical thinking" is primarily used to "point out what is wrong". [1]
If "critical thinking" is used to determine "what I need to be". [10]

If "unconditional acceptance" is the decision to not care how anyone else lives for the sake of being okay with them [1].
If "unconditional acceptance" is the caring so much that I can attach to anyone because of my realizing I have nothing personally at stake because of how anyone else lives [10].

If "giving everyone the dignity to choose" means "do it my way or your free to leave." [1]
If "giving everyone the dignity to choose" means "I'm striving to living life at ever-increasing levels of truth and love, and I'd love for you to join me, but no pressure." [10]

If "telling the truth" is the blunt, careless, and uncensored speaking of my mind. [1]
If "telling the truth" is the loving exposure of the introspective searching of my heart for the purpose of being a loving mirror for a friend or to engage in the humble, confessional healing of my own heart. [10]

If "spreading the word" is the academic teaching that certain religious practices, outward sacraments, and accurate doctrinal beliefs are the means of getting to heaven. [1]
If "spreading the word" is the sharing of Jesus Christ's message, Jesus Christ's heart, Jesus Christ's mission, Jesus Christ's priorities, Jesus Christ's character, and Jesus Christ's life that can be enjoyed here and lasts on into eternity. [10]

If "seeking to understand another" is the listening to others and applying your own definition of terms to what they are saying in order to hold them accountable for "what they said." [1]
If "seeking to understand another" is the holistic hearing of another person's heart regardless of the words they use and definitions they attach to it in order to "be with them right where they are at". [10]

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