Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I had a fitful night of sleep last night. In between the rainfall, shoulder discomfort, and weird dreams, I have woken up struggling with a sense of physical and emotional heaviness. I've never understood this term before, but I felt as if I were wrestling with God all night. I can't explain how but I know that God is tugging on my heart but I'm not sure what the tug means.
I feel as if He is compelling me to follow Him somewhere, to do something different and in my heart, I am responding with "Good grief...what do You want from me??! I am in the middle of a Jamaican jungle, working hard in what could have been my vacation; I am sleeping in a tent; eating all sorts of unknowns; having to hike to simply go to the bathroom; stepping way out of my comfort zone and 'opening up' to basic strangers while fighting against physical pain every inch of the way. Isn't that enough?!" (I know, I know...not one of my prettier spiritual moments.)
As I am preparing to head up for breakfast, someone had chosen to play Michael W. Smith in the distance...this was the 1st music I'd heard since arriving in Jamaica. I do not sing well nor do I read music but Contemporary Christian Music has a huge place in my heart. M.W. Smith was singing about how one is never alone because God is always there. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE but my heart does not "feel" like He is 'hanging with me' this morning.
Actually, I can feel God's presence but some sense of unexplainable sadness is running deep. I feel like weeping but I know that this really isn't the time or the place. Or is it? I am, as always, in the midst of God; I am surrounded by people who serve, worship and love Him and these same people, beyond my comprehension, also love me.
In between the moments of sleep last night, I prayed for faith to replace fear; for peace to replace panic, for calm to replace chaos, and for trust in God's provisional care. Lord, the song in the distance is echoing my deepest desire: please open the eyes of my heart. I do want to see You. I do want to see You shining in glory. I do want to experience the pouring out of Your love and power. I do know that You are close to my heart because Your Word is truth. I so long for the day that my heart will stop feeling so shatteringly fragile. I want to be complete in You. May that day be today. I pray for the safe-keeping of all today as we continue in the carpentry, landscaping, and cleaning at the campground as well as our specially-planned outing for a picnic and swimming at the river.