I have learned that my ways of protection can be sinful, selfish, and at times, blatantly defiant. I am to trust in God. He is my shelter. He is my protector. I am not self-sufficient, much less self-reliant. I can, through Him, wisely choose when and with whom to share the innermost parts of my soul and trust that God will take care of the relationship, the possible consequences and He will take care of me.
I am learning how to trust. I am learning how to be a bit more 'open'. I am learning how to allow myself to feel rather than relying on avoidance, denial and even dishonesty. There are many things, in my past, that I hadn't (until recently) acknowledged much less processed in thoughts or emotions. And that "processing" is far more difficult than I had ever anticipated. No regrets about doing so but wondering if and when the tears of my soul will cease. Weariness has taken on a whole new meaning. I pray that He is listening. I pray that He does heal. I pray that He does not despise. I pray for all those whose hearts feel hurts, far worse, than I can even comprehend.