Saturday, July 11, 2009
I just realized that as I typed out the date, that yesterday was the ‘anniversary’ of Kelly’s death and today marks the ‘anniversary’ of Elaine’s. That means in the ‘anniversary’ of Granddaddy’s death will be in 2 days. Wonder if that has been weighing on my heart even without realizing it.
Anyway, I don’t know that I’ve ever been prompted by a mental battle to get out of bed at a much earlier time than usual and get busy. But I feel that is what has happened today. I’ve been asking God to show me all the ways in which I may be hindering my growth in Him. Unwillingness to let go has been obvious for a while. That unwillingness has been ground in sinful defiance, self-reliance, and on my heart this morning, is the concept of forgiveness. Actually, un-forgiveness is what has come to my attention.
As I lay in bed this morning, I was arguing with myself about the concept of un-forgiveness.
It was as if a 2-sided conversation was going on within my soul.
Mind: I have forgiven. I’ve moved on.
Heart: Running away and moving on aren’t the same thing.
Mind: Well, I have forgiven.
Heart: No you haven’t. Forgiveness occurs when one truthfully acknowledge how they’ve been sinned against and how they have sinned against God and others.
Mind: I have acknowledged all that has happened, how I’ve responded and what I’ve done---both the good and the bad choices.
Heart: No, you haven’t. Reporting (acknowledging) the details is not the same as accepting the hurts and taking the responsibility for you own sins.
Mind: I have accepted the hurt. I’ve cried and been angry. I’ve asked God to forgive me. What else do you want?
Heart: Actions and acceptance aren’t the same thing either. You “report” to yourself, to God, and to Jim the facts. When emotions truly surface, You, flippantly, push all that aside so not to have the deal with pain and anger and if you can’t push it aside, you let it overwhelm you for all of the wrong reasons.
Now I sit here and consider making a visual list of things that I need to forgive and things of which I need to ask forgiveness. That consideration, in and of itself, makes my chest hurt and brings up intense uneasiness. Does the uneasiness come because I still lack the trust or is the uneasiness a physical warning to step back?
I may be responding too academically here but I’m going to begin with searching out the Scriptures that relate to issues of forgiveness.