Thursday, May 6, 2010

Realizations and repentance...

I should have been home long ago but there is something about the solitude of a school building that is emptied and quiet after an active, lively day.  I have spent the last 1 1/2 reading over blogs and Spiritual sites that bless me in more ways than I could ever express.  Some posts brought smiles to my heart and others tears to my eyes.  I hadn't realized until earlier in the week how I have allowed the current conflict with some of my in-laws to, literally, dominate my thoughts and my time.  There isn't a foreseeable end to the chaos that ensued on Easter Sunday.  I am at peace with God, my husband, and myself but am so saddened that my mother-in-law will be experiencing a 'divided-family' on Mother's Day. 
The family member that is INSISTENT that I have committed apostasy (I had to look up the word) is calling on others in the family to withdraw and confront me as she has regarding the issue of my lost soul since I have turned away from God by failing to worship at "His one true church".  That attitude alone saddens me, as do the words that have been expressed, and the actions that have been taken.
I know that God is right here with me and He is fully capable and willing to 'fight this battle' without any input from me yet I feel helpless because I am, literally out of words that I wish would come and help to possibly alleviate some of the pain that this has caused within this family.

I am also saddened by the ways in which I've allowed this conflict to consume me.  I know Satan is overjoyed that I have withdrawn from those closest to my heart because I fear the brokenness that they may see and I fear that I won't be handle the brokenness of others.  I have neglected relationships in my workplace, in my congregation, in my Bible Study Group, and in the world of blogging b/c I have allowed myself to become so emotionally drained.  I am not, by any means, depressed yet I've done what has always been a sinful, selfish, unhealthy response...remove myself from others so not to be a burden and so not to carry any additional burdens.

Seeing those words in black-n-white make me feel ill.  My God is bigger than I am allowing Him to be.  Jesus has conquered all and made me more than a conqueror and I am so ashamed that I have been living in a state of distrust, fear, and shame.  I repent of such at this very moment and pray that I will allow God to be God and that He will enable me to be who and what He has called me to be. 

Looking forward to catching up with my blogging buddies over the weekend and leaving this and all other burdens in the hands of my Father. 

1 comment:

  1. I saw you visited so I linked over to catch up. This is a painful post. It is painful how our church/theological views or conflicts can invade our personal relationships as well. Praying that you find peace with the family. God bless.