Much of what I have held in my heart needed to be destroyed.
A “beauty from ashes” type of destruction.
To be rid of things that held me back from experiencing the goodness of God and His amazing love for me.
Why does feeling love so deeply also open you up to feeling pain more deeply?
I know it’s not “bad” but it’s far from enjoyable and beyond tiresome.
But how do you pick up the pieces and put it back together again?
Is that the point? There is no repair. There is no putting it back together.
Is it about beginning again?
Is it renewal rather than rebuilding?
Is it about just accepting the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak and allowing God to heal and begin again?
But how do you begin again when you don’t feel as if there is room for anything more---good or bad?
Not only shattered, but exhausted.
Reminding yourself to breathe.
Counting your blessings.
Truly seeking an attitude of gratitude,
yet the pain shadows the gratitude by fear.
Fear of the pain to come if relying on what seems to be worthwhile…what seems to be good.
Realizing that this too shall pass but to what end…only to come again in another fashion or form?
Fearful that if the tears come, they may never stop.
Fear that the weakness is stronger than anything within.
Fear that letting go means giving up.
Fear that moving forward only means eventually opening up myself to more heartbreak.
Tired of hurting but not tired of living.
Tired of pain but not tired of love.
Tired of abandonment through death, rejection, and simple changes in life but not tired of the relationships.
Does anything ever truly last?
So many questions…too many thoughts.
Simply praying for peace, comfort, healing and acceptance.
(Song by Linda Ronstadt)
written by Jimmy Webb
Like a windowpane
Broken by a stone
Each tiny piece of me lies alone
Far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
Just lying there
I'm broken, but I'm laughing
It's the sound of falling glass
I hope that you won't mind if I should cry,
In public, while I wait for this to pass
'Cause sweet darling I'm shattered
Into fragments cold and gray
Sweep the pieces all away
Then no one will ever know how much it mattered
Something deep inside of me