Monday, February 7, 2011

Times of Wondering may also lead to Times of Wandering

Wondering why some days hurt like hell and other days just glide on by.
Today is one of those hellish days.

I know that my hormones are probably the main cause behind the stream of tears but the hurt still hurts regardless of the cause. I am tired of feeling like I am living on an emotional roller-coaster.

I am not living up to anyone’s standards---much less my own. I feel as if I am caught in a perpetual circle of grief and before I find closure/healing on one thing, something else comes along to bury whatever was the main concern. I feel as if I am made up of layers of anguish, doubt, terror, & anger.
Most days I can go on and live normally and other days I come grinding to a halt.

Today I am halting.
Reminding myself that it is okay to breathe. God has taken care of the shame.
Reminding myself that I am not alone. I have friends and family who love me, despite my in-adequateness, and most importantly,
I have a Lord whose love never changes.

I do find comfort in those facts.
I do find hope knowing that God is in control.
But in control of what?
The chaos?
The brokenness?
The seemingly inability to build and maintain healthy relationships?
The underlying fear that remains in knowing that anything and anyone can be lost at a moment and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

I am angry.
I am hurt.
I want to scream, curse, kick, hit and collapse.
I want someone to simply hold me without need for explanation or justification.

I want to know for certain that I will survive what frequently feels un-survivable.
Nothing is as I thought it would be.
Letting go of the dreams is harder than I ever imagined.

I am tired of the fitful nights,
the tear-filled days,
the anguish in knowing or at least fearing that there is something terribly, intrinsically wrong with me.

Facing the ugliness hasn’t diminished the pain.
The shame is lessening
but seems to only be overtaken by other emotions like rage, insecurity, fear.

This is only a moment in time. 
I KNOW that there will be other moments where peace will reign.

Reminding myself that "This is My Father's World".

This is my Father's world,
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres.

This is my Father's world:
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father's world,
the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white,
declare their maker's praise.

This is my Father's world:
he shines in all that's fair;
in the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.

This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.

This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

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