After that little outburst Friday night, I took a double dose of Nyquil and went to bed.
I woke up extremely early Saturday morning but felt surprisingly rested and alert---not a feeling that has been familiar in quite a while.
I wrapped up and went out to read my Bible but couldn't concentrate on what I was reading and ending up just sitting in the silence. I didn't actually hear God speaking but His words were more audible in my heart than I ever remember them being before. I began to journal what I was 'hearing'.
"I do know your heart. I am not learning anything new through this conversation. The question is 'Are you?' You have been crying from the depths of your heart for someone to just tell you what to do…that in and of itself shows that you are missing the point. You can't do anything. You don't know how. Despite what you think--- you never have, never will.
BUT I CAN. And I WILL when you not only hear My call but accept it for what it is. I know you don't trust easily. I know you are broken. I know you feel irreparable. I know you have pieced your fragmented self back together---kind of like a warped, peeling, fading, edges torn, jigsaw puzzle. I can make you whole. ONLY I can make you whole. You don't have to do anything---you can't. I have nothing but time and a love deeper than you can even imagine.
I am the absolute best of what you hoped for in a father, what you desired and longed for from others. Don't let your definitions of those terms keep you from knowing who I am. I am Creator, Provider, Counselor, Rescuer, Comforter, Safety, Peace, Security, Protector and Redeemer and so much more. I am the beginning and the end.
Allow Me to be your friend---the trust will deepen, the understanding will grow and you will begin to comprehend that I have given you My all to be your all. I will not disappoint, fail, deceive, abuse, or abandon. When you allow Me to be your everything, those conceptual titles won't be threatening. They will become part of an all-encompassing description of love, security, hope, merciful grace, and peace.
NOTHING compare to Me and what I offer. Walk through the door, into My presence---straight into My arms, if you'd like. I will be here. It is not an illusion. I will be here. I won't leave. And you will never be the same again."
I wish I could say that at this point I accepted all and tearfully surrendered. BUT the conversation continued:
(My words Response from God)
You make it sound easy.
It's not. Dying to self is painful. Wasn't easy for My Son. Won't be easy for you.
What if I fail?
You will. I won't.
I know. Go back to the beginning. Remember the little girl who literally ran down the hall to Bible Class to meet Me there. Remember the young girl who would sit for hours, under the stars, simply talking with Me and singing 'devotional songs'. Remember the insatiable appetite you once had for learning more of My Word. Child-like faith: BIG MOVE…little steps.
What's if what I offer is not enough?
It won't be. That is why I gave My Son to stand in the gap.
Still sounds terrifying.
What more could you want? I am everything. I am the all in all. I am love and My love does not and will not disappoint.
But I will be a disappointment. What then?
Yes, you will---guaranteed. Then I will comfort. I'll love. I'll guide and you will learn from Me.
I know this sounds pathetic but I can't remember a time in life when there wasn't a strong element of fear, self-preservation and self-protection. That is who I am. I am the strong one. I am the survivor.
And how has holding onto that illusion been working for you? You survived because of My mercies, My plans. Put down your sinful pride. It has never served you well and it never will.
Yes. Already have. Christ was My sacrifice. He is not only your gift but your guarantee.
I am so tired.
I know. That doesn't have to remain the case. All that you must do is come to Me. Among the many things I will give to You is rest. Lay the burdens down. Don't worry if you collapse from the sheer relief of being free from the weight. I am here. I will catch you. I will bring you to Me and you will be safe. I know of your every regret, your every disappointment, your every fear, your every sin, your every smile, your every tear.
Nothing you fear that I will see will cause me to turn away and leave. There is nothing new for me to see. I've been here all along. I am loyal. I am compassionate. I am loving. I am steadfast.
The table has been prepared with all you've ever wanted; all you'll ever need. There is no better offer. I am sitting right here looking at your empty chair truly hoping that you will choose to occupy the place reserved for you. The choice is yours and yours alone. The door has already been opened. All you have to do is walk over the threshold. I WILL BE HERE.
THEN…the tears began and surrendering happened. And once again, I am amazed!