What began 2 weeks ago as a conscious effort to study the characteristic of God as presented in Scripture alone has taken a few twists and turns. After about 5 days into that proposed study, I began to struggle with recalling old memories ---nothing new surfacing, just kind of "re-living" some of my life's hardest moments. Night time became especially difficult, regardless of being asleep or awake.
The emotions and such that occurred during that time shifted my focus on the study of God. Once I recognized Satan's attacks, I decided to 'outfit' myself in God's Word with the hopes that those Words would contradict what I felt like Satan was trying to make me believe. I was and remain amazed at how verses I've repeatedly read took on new meaning which included a huge sense of hope. I was loving the light that wasn't simply flickering in the dark distance but producing a steady stream of light.
After meeting with Jim on Wednesday, I became painfully aware that I still wasn't willing to fully trust God and be done with my arrogant, sinful sense of control. Mind shifted back to becoming Scripturally aware of who God claims to be.
I'm thinking it would be nice if all of this were truly as sequential as it seems to be in writing. There hasn't been an opening or ending chapter---more like overlapping events, thoughts, emotions, and actions in a difficult on-going process.
Early Thursday morning, I awoke to the sound of my own screams. Upon fully waking up, I realized that, once again, I was "remembering" past events in fragmented pieces of reality. Despite attempting to go into work at ½ day, a migraine kept me home for the day.
When feeling better, I continued reading through the Bible, noting the attributes of God. With each notation, I was feeling more like an open wound and truly saddened at my realization that I did not believe many of the "good" descriptions that I was reading. I know enough to know that one can't pick up the Bible and freely pick and choose what is true and what isn't. Accepting Scripture as Truth is an either/or option. Thursday night was filled with a lot of questions, doubts, and attempts at rationalizing but very little rest even though sleeping time was, thankfully, uneventful.
The smallest things at work on Friday served to increase my annoyances, agitations, and anger. By Friday night, I felt as if I were an emotional time-bomb and felt as if I allowed the valve to even slightly open, that I would explode and there would be no turning back. The main emotions were anger and resentment. I stubbornly refused to let a single tear surface.
Late that night, I sat and watched the movements of the night sky. I have no idea how long I spent outside. During this time, I began a conversation with God that went something along the lines of the following:
"Okay, You say You know my heart so You won't be shocked when I admit that 'No, I don't completely trust You.' I want to. I want to believe what I'm reading and am being told but I don't. A large part of my heart does not want to take the risk of getting deeply hurt ever again.
The concept of 'Father' isn't appealing for obvious reasons. Other concepts don't feel me with great feelings of warmth either.
Too much has been taken away. Seems like too little remains to risk being lost. I don't want to die but the idea of continuing to live like this makes death an enviable position.
I am reading about Your goodness but anger filled with why-and-if-based-thinking surfaces much more easily than adoration.
I don't know how to move beyond that. I don't know what to say or do to make that not be true. Regardless of supposing to feel embarrassed at even saying so doesn't lessen the fact.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want that to be the end of the story. I am tired of the sadness, the fears, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the wavering emotions, the hiding, the pretending, etc.
I don't know how to do this and that in and of itself fills me with embarrassment, shame and anger. Even now as tears form, anger towards me and toward You overrides all. I am not shedding another tear in frustration over this.
This is it. This is where I am at. And I'm guessing that this is where I'll be and stay because not knowing what else to do leaves me still. After all, what I've been doing obviously isn't working so well.
I can hear the ducks over at the lake---how ironic. I feeling like a sitting duck---guess I'll be shot, captured, or set free."