Sunday, March 30, 2014

Conflicted and Confused

I'm lying here tonight with such conflicting thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure how I "should"  feel but I am pretty certain that this isn't it. I'm a mixture of relief, anger, gratitude, disgust, guilt, partly hopeful for the "wrong thing", accompanied by feelings of hopelessness. . I so want this to be much simpler than this is. 

I don't know how to navigate this territory and am infuriated that I'm having to navigate it at all. My side of the on-going conversations have been inspired by google searches and I'm relieved and saddened that what I have perceived to be true does appear to be more than just my perception. My words are being met with what are apparently "classic arguments/defenses". 

Once again, I feel like I'm the one who's doing most, if not all the work (sacrifice) and I'm just not sure that I have enough fight left within me to wait this out. It shouldn't be this stinking hard! The fact that the battleground keeps resurfacing despite efforts has to mean something.  All I know with certainty is that I now feel as if I know nothing with certainty. Tiresome, exhausting, infuriating place to be. But on the bright side, this has forced me to become more active because if I don't physically work this out, I fear that I may either explode or crumble. 

Moment -by-moment are the only words I feel as if I am "hearing" from God. That is a hard concept to grasp for one who so likes an action plan.

When there are no words...

Feeling especially blessed for those whom my heart holds dear for allowing me to just be who I am and where I am. Enormously grateful for those who aren't questioning...advising...judging... but simply "being there" and holding me close in their literal arms through a hug and more importantly, in their figurative arms through sincere prayers and loving thoughts.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zt0BKDOe3x0

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Admiration and Respect

Photo: Thank you, Julie Wood, for sharing this photo of one of my most favorite people.EVER. Thanking God today for the life of Nick Holland---my fishing guru, hand-holder, hug-loving, wise neighbor and friend who came into my heart quite unexpectedly and cared for me in ways I'll never be able to fully adequately express. So grateful that he is no longer suffering but hate that he is gone for now. Continued prayers and love for all of his family and friends. I will never see another slow-driving truck; yellow four-wheeler; riding lawn-mower; trot-line (or is it trout-line!?!) and a big ol' bulldozer without my heart filling with smiles and precious memories.
Sharing this photo of one of my most favorite people.EVER. Thanking God today for the life of Nick Holland---my fishing guru, hand-holder, hug-loving, wise neighbor and friend who came into my heart quite unexpectedly and cared for me in ways I'll never be able to fully adequately express. So grateful that he is no longer suffering but hate that he is gone for now. Continued prayers and love for all of his family and friends. I will never see another slow-driving truck; yellow four-wheeler; riding lawn-mower; trot-line (or is it trout-line!?!) and a big ol' bulldozer without my heart filling with smiles and precious memories.

Faith

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly." (Quote from Barbara J. Winter)

Praying desperately that this does hold true and so thankful for friends and family who continually direct me to hope, peace, strength and courage that come from faith in God.

http://youtu.be/YkRo42AbOfQ

I am especially grateful to those whom I hold dear in my heart for realizing and accepting that this is one of those times where the only "voice" I can hear is the voice of God, who I pray is directing my each and every step.