Sunday, March 30, 2014

Conflicted and Confused

I'm lying here tonight with such conflicting thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure how I "should"  feel but I am pretty certain that this isn't it. I'm a mixture of relief, anger, gratitude, disgust, guilt, partly hopeful for the "wrong thing", accompanied by feelings of hopelessness. . I so want this to be much simpler than this is. 

I don't know how to navigate this territory and am infuriated that I'm having to navigate it at all. My side of the on-going conversations have been inspired by google searches and I'm relieved and saddened that what I have perceived to be true does appear to be more than just my perception. My words are being met with what are apparently "classic arguments/defenses". 

Once again, I feel like I'm the one who's doing most, if not all the work (sacrifice) and I'm just not sure that I have enough fight left within me to wait this out. It shouldn't be this stinking hard! The fact that the battleground keeps resurfacing despite efforts has to mean something.  All I know with certainty is that I now feel as if I know nothing with certainty. Tiresome, exhausting, infuriating place to be. But on the bright side, this has forced me to become more active because if I don't physically work this out, I fear that I may either explode or crumble. 

Moment -by-moment are the only words I feel as if I am "hearing" from God. That is a hard concept to grasp for one who so likes an action plan.

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