Saturday, April 26, 2014

Realizations

Wow!

I think I am FINALLY hearing the advice given.

* I MUST stop worrying about the marriage or divorce and simply focus on me while allowing husband to focus on himself.

* I will most likely have to move in August but that doesn't mean that I have to file for divorce at that time unless husband shows that he is not willing to work with me financially. If that is the case AT THAT TIME, I can make decisions then.

* I am NOT responsible for husband at this point in time. (Question remains in my head: Am I ever truly responsible for him?)

* This may change but NOW is not the time to fight for the marriage. That time may never come.  I am 99.9% that 'that time' has come and gone. BUT, regardless, I WILL BE OKAY provided that I take this time now to take care of me.

* Taking care of me is not horribly selfish and does not mean that I am being an unforgiving B.

* It is OKAY to breathe freely right now without the self-induced guilt and shame.

* I am filled with anger, that I've mainly turned inward. Time to deal with that anger, place it in proper perspective and figure out how to let it go.

Maybe I should have these decorated in calligraphy and hang on my mirrors, door posts, walls, etc.

Praying that these 'revelations' are TRUTH and if so, that The Lord will keep these truths ever present in my mind and heart.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Homesick in a Weird Way

(Friday, April 11, 2014)

I can't believe that I have been in this area since summer of 1994 and am just now seeing this infamous lookout. A BEAUTIFUL view that reminds me of the beauty of Arkansas.

Today has been an emotionally topsy-turvy day. I made a choice earlier and the ability to do so with a clear mind was incredibly relieving. That sense of relief carried me through the day along with encouragement and support from Michelle and Amy.

When the school day ended, I felt as if I had been punched in the gut. The realization that I wasn't headed "home" for the weekend took my breath away and it took every ounce of self-control to not fall onto the floor sobbing. Home as I knew it will never be the same. I don't fully understand what that means even though I do believe it is a good thing.

As I lay here looking up at the clear blue sky with the warmth of the sun on my back and the sounds of a breeze in the grass and trees, I feel a sense of peace in knowing that God can clear away my clutter as He has cleared the skies. He will clear all of this and create something worthy; I just wish I knew how and when.

I know the journey ahead of me won't be easy but I know that God has His hand on me. He is the one who created the beauties of all that surrounds me. He can bring about something beautiful in spite of all this ugliness.


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Misfit


Today has been an incredibly hard day. After spending the majority of Tuesday in bed with a debilitating migraine, sleep did not come easy last night so feeling tired is an understatement. I am so thankful for the gorgeous weather today. Having an extended playground time with my students was enjoyable. Maybe winter is truly over.

I met hubby in town today to pick up some stuff. I hate to see him hurting. I have to cognitively fight away the thoughts of guilt and feelings of responsibility. I  do not want him hurting but that's out of my control and I simply don't feel as if I can return right now, if ever.

I spent the early part of the evening at the downtown park sitting in my car and bawling. I wonder if I'll ever understand how I allowed my life to be this out of control. I don't feel as I truly fit anywhere. A co-worker who isn't even aware of what's happening in my world sent me the sentiment poster above. I am so grateful that even when I don't feel as if I  belong anywhere, God still claims me as His own.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Borrowed words from the devo book: Jesus Calling

"I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances., even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me.
A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day...Ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me."

Pray continually: I Thessalonians 5:17
In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight: Proverbs 3:6

Roller coaster

Wednesday, April 2nd will be remembered as a most difficult day. Unexpected emotional turns and twists that have felt like being on a roller coaster ride. When I woke this morning, I felt so much 'lighter' and so relieved to have rested well. My thinking seemed clear and I was anticipating a good day.

I never imagined that those moments of light would have been extinguished so quickly and so harshly. I went from purposely breathing deep in each moment out of appreciation to 12 hours later, being forced to pull my car over on the side of a interstate because I literally couldn't catch my breath. It has been years since I experienced a full-blown anxiety attack which included hyperventilating, nausea, and momentarily losing sight of everything. I am so thankful that I was able to pull over safely...thankful that my Dr. had the insight yesterday to insure that I had quick-dissolving medications should such a thing occur though I was insistent and adamant that I was certain the meds would never be necessary...and thankful for friends who kept tabs on me in my travels to make sure I arrived safely.

I am so irritated with myself for not being able to keep my emotions in check. Feels RIDICULOUS! I can be laughing and contemplating future plans one minute and shortly thereafter feel so grief-stricken that I can barely move.

A friend posted this in Facebook this evening: DON'T FORGET YOU'RE HUMAN. IT'S OKAY TO HAVE A MELTDOWN. JUST DON'T UNPACK AND LIVE THERE. CRY IT OUT AND THEN REFOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE HEADED. Seems to be a reasonable thought yet I am so afraid that the tears won't end and I'll be unable to refocus. Many have assured me that won't happen because I'm stronger than I realize and I should also be reassured because of knowing that God is stronger than any of my fears and all of my tears. Oh, Lord, please forgive my unbelief.


2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
 (God has NOT given me a spirit of fear but of  POWER and of love and of a SOUND MIND.)
Praying desperately to believe that this journey, regardless of where it leads, will not fill me with fear or break the soundness of my mind.