Wednesday, April 2nd will be remembered as a most difficult day. Unexpected emotional turns and twists that have felt like being on a roller coaster ride. When I woke this morning, I felt so much 'lighter' and so relieved to have rested well. My thinking seemed clear and I was anticipating a good day.
I never imagined that those moments of light would have been extinguished so quickly and so harshly. I went from purposely breathing deep in each moment out of appreciation to 12 hours later, being forced to pull my car over on the side of a interstate because I literally couldn't catch my breath. It has been years since I experienced a full-blown anxiety attack which included hyperventilating, nausea, and momentarily losing sight of everything. I am so thankful that I was able to pull over safely...thankful that my Dr. had the insight yesterday to insure that I had quick-dissolving medications should such a thing occur though I was insistent and adamant that I was certain the meds would never be necessary...and thankful for friends who kept tabs on me in my travels to make sure I arrived safely.
I am so irritated with myself for not being able to keep my emotions in check. Feels RIDICULOUS! I can be laughing and contemplating future plans one minute and shortly thereafter feel so grief-stricken that I can barely move.
A friend posted this in Facebook this evening: DON'T FORGET YOU'RE HUMAN. IT'S OKAY TO HAVE A MELTDOWN. JUST DON'T UNPACK AND LIVE THERE. CRY IT OUT AND THEN REFOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE HEADED. Seems to be a reasonable thought yet I am so afraid that the tears won't end and I'll be unable to refocus. Many have assured me that won't happen because I'm stronger than I realize and I should also be reassured because of knowing that God is stronger than any of my fears and all of my tears. Oh, Lord, please forgive my unbelief.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
(God has NOT given me a spirit of fear but of POWER and of love and of a SOUND MIND.)
Praying desperately to believe that this journey, regardless of where it leads, will not fill me with fear or break the soundness of my mind.