Thursday, April 3, 2014

Roller coaster

Wednesday, April 2nd will be remembered as a most difficult day. Unexpected emotional turns and twists that have felt like being on a roller coaster ride. When I woke this morning, I felt so much 'lighter' and so relieved to have rested well. My thinking seemed clear and I was anticipating a good day.

I never imagined that those moments of light would have been extinguished so quickly and so harshly. I went from purposely breathing deep in each moment out of appreciation to 12 hours later, being forced to pull my car over on the side of a interstate because I literally couldn't catch my breath. It has been years since I experienced a full-blown anxiety attack which included hyperventilating, nausea, and momentarily losing sight of everything. I am so thankful that I was able to pull over safely...thankful that my Dr. had the insight yesterday to insure that I had quick-dissolving medications should such a thing occur though I was insistent and adamant that I was certain the meds would never be necessary...and thankful for friends who kept tabs on me in my travels to make sure I arrived safely.

I am so irritated with myself for not being able to keep my emotions in check. Feels RIDICULOUS! I can be laughing and contemplating future plans one minute and shortly thereafter feel so grief-stricken that I can barely move.

A friend posted this in Facebook this evening: DON'T FORGET YOU'RE HUMAN. IT'S OKAY TO HAVE A MELTDOWN. JUST DON'T UNPACK AND LIVE THERE. CRY IT OUT AND THEN REFOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE HEADED. Seems to be a reasonable thought yet I am so afraid that the tears won't end and I'll be unable to refocus. Many have assured me that won't happen because I'm stronger than I realize and I should also be reassured because of knowing that God is stronger than any of my fears and all of my tears. Oh, Lord, please forgive my unbelief.


2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
 (God has NOT given me a spirit of fear but of  POWER and of love and of a SOUND MIND.)
Praying desperately to believe that this journey, regardless of where it leads, will not fill me with fear or break the soundness of my mind.

1 comment:

  1. DON'T FORGET YOU'RE HUMAN.

    That is great advice. It means we will stumble and fall. It also means we have the resources to get back up, as you have ably stated here. Good post.

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