Sometimes I miss the days where I was fully capable of putting my head down and simply burrow through whatever tasks without allowing any sort of emotional upheaval. I don't really want to return to that mode because I so enjoy the depths of joy and happiness I've experienced since those long-ago constructed walls began to break down. But the depths of sorrow can seem all encompassing and too threatening. I long for a day that tears aren't even remotely on my radar. Apparently, that's expecting too much right now.
W and I have been separated for close to 2 months. I still feel secure in knowing that my leaving was the absolute best thing for me to do but the hurt is still there. I don't have the desire to return to the relationship but also don't feel at peace in filing for a divorce. There isn't any pressure to do so but for one who likes closure on all things, this living in limbo is hard. I keep praying for clarity, understanding and the ability to discern God's will. I'm choosing to trust in HIS timing in leading me to take whatever the next step may be in a time that He deems appropriate.
Ending the school year, knowing that I'm saying good-bye to 19 years of relationships and experiences has left me emotionally grasping for air. I hate that I'm leaving under the circumstances that I created but I am so grateful for the experiences I had while being a part of BISD. I have accumulated even more absences over the past 2 weeks because of some scary health issues. My paychecks for May and June are going to be woefully lacking. Trusting that God will meet all of my needs.
I didn't want to cause anyone any more concern so I kept that information to myself until the fear was relieved. Some bloodwork and physical symptoms were leading to the concerns of ovarian cancer. My initial reaction to becoming aware of that possibility was almost comical---I actually said, well, of course that's a possibility---it's damn near impossible for ANYTHING to be simple right now. The poor nurse just squeezed my hand as she wiped away her tears. THANKFULLY, the bloodwork and biopsy came back negative and I now fully know the symptoms and pain of a ruptured ovarian cyst or cysts. OUCH is an understatement!! But I'll gladly accept that rather than cancer. As of this morning, the pain has greatly dissipated. I'm not nearly as pale and able to stand and walk without nauseating dizziness. My poor body needs a break and desperately needs me to better care for myself. Healthy grocery shopping and cementing plans for daily exercise are a top priority this weekend. I, also, must pack up my classroom this weekend because the craziness of the last week of school won't allow time for packing and organizing and I must relinquish my keys before 2 p.m. on the 30th.
My momma is walking on air because her retirement begins at noon Friday!! I am so happy for her and beyond proud for all that she has overcome. I hate that my situation is somewhat taking away from what is her truly deserved celebration.
Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's death. I miss that man but am grateful that all didn't hit the fan while he was here to witness such. W and his family are so on my heart this evening. W and I haven't really talked except through financially-necessary messages. I know that I can't truly be there for him at this time except in thoughts and prayer. I do care about him and hate that he is hurting. Letting go is also filled with hurt.
Several people that I hold close in my heart are also experiencing marital struggles, marital separations and some imminent divorce. Everyone's journey is unique but all are heartbreaking, breath-taking moments of agony. My thoughts and prayers are continually focused on T and D; B and S; R and S; D and h; C and B; along with J and L. Life can truly be so unfair.
Also, continuing to pray for Corey's family as they are grieving and for Rebecca as she battles cancer with all she has.