Monday, May 12, 2014

Rollercoasters

I have always enjoyed roller coasters. Starting with the apprehension of the risk, the thrill of the ride, and the euphoric feeling afterwards. I'd head to an amusement park tomorrow and have so much fun but this emotional roller coaster is exhausting and leaves me simply weary.

The day began with the news that Corey passed away last night. His family was with him and his last moments were peaceful. After such a courageous battle with cancer, that he shared so openly, my heart (among so many others) is beyond sad. I'm grateful that he is now at peace but hurt so deeply for his loving wife and their 2 precious children. I can't stand the thought that the only memories that M and B will have of their daddy will most likely be the pictures and stories that will be shared in the days to come. C. led an exemplary life that touched so many others for the better. He was one of the most kind-hearted, giving, loving, fun-filled person I've ever met. Feeling so blessed that he will always be a part of my life.

His death helped solidify my choice of creating a better life than I've allowed myself to have. The changes are terrifying and exciting. The deep sorrow is coupled with deep relief. All seems so much more real in ways that I can't fully explain. My heart feels broken yet amidst the moments of agony, there is a renewed sense of clarity, purpose and hope.

The feelings of guilt weigh heavy. The feelings of failure seem immense but what once was a severe, life-threatening sense of hopelessness is dissipating with each day. Packing up a home and a career are overwhelming but I KNOW that I'm on the right path. I'll keep moving forward with the fervent prayer that God will lead me step-by-step.

I have been neglecting my physical health which is now a top priority. Apparently, my immune system is "shot" and my blood pressure is outrageous. I am in the process of setting up attainable goals for each day. Step 1 is significantly increasing my water intake. I rely far too much on diet sodas and super-sweet tea. Sounds so simple but I'm finding it to be more of a challenge than I imagined. Small steps with big commitment will get me to where I need to be.


No comments:

Post a Comment