Monday, May 26, 2014

Uncertainties

Not the weekend I was expecting but it's been productive. I've spent at least 14 hours in my classroom and am amazed (and a little ashamed) at the amount if stuff I've accumulated. Headed back out tomorrow for yet another carload. Wishes don't make changes but it sure would be nice to have even a teeny tiny clue on where I'm going to end up at the end of July. I know that all will work out but literally living out of boxes and suitcases is tiring.

As I'm typing, Susan Ashton's song "I've Just Showed Up for My Own Life" started playing---Perfect timing.

I had moments of panic and fear last night that made me long for  something "normal". That's the .1st time since this recent journey began that I've missed anything. After leaving my classroom and truly accepting that the chapter in life there is closing, I was caught off guard by the sadness. I just wanted to go home---to my home.  I realized that my home hadn't been what I hoped for or needed in a long time and that the "normal" I was looking for was gone and that was a good thing. I'm not sure what the "new normal" will be but I am looking forward to it (more times than not),

I'm going out to the house tomorrow to see my fur-babies and to talk with Wayne about whatever the next few weeks will entail. I'm not dreading being with him but the awkwardness is well...just awkward.  Prayerfully trusting moment-by-moment and asking God to give me whatever words I will need.

It dawned on me today that it's almost been an entire year since precious Trenton's accident that cost him his life. I haven't spoken with the family in a few months. CPS took charge of the siblings and they've moved to the Houston area. I pray for Quardell regularly in hopes that they will be fostered and eventually adopted together. That sweet boy has been through entirely too much for any 5 year old. Heartbreaking and so frustrating. I so wish that I'd been able to do more for those children but I know that they are in God's care which is far better than anything I could ever do.

Life truly does not make any sense, at times.


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