Thursday, June 26, 2014

Conflicting

I'm finding it strange how the exact same heart can be shattering and soaring at the same time. The fact of both occurring simultaneously must be a God thing.  This has been quite a week!

Almost every time Husband speaks, texts, or emails, he simply deepens an already gaping wound. Even though I know it is not intentional, the hurt remains. It's really more about what he doesn't say. Our so-called communication is absolutely infuriating and increasingly exhausting. I cannot give him anymore of my heart, especially when he shields so much of his from me and everyone else. I've fought against his self-proclaimed hedge of protection for at least 15 years. I don't have any fight left.

Since the start of April, when all really "hit the fan", I have fervently and continually prayed for God to give me clear direction. I had allowed myself to literally become way too close to the door of death. I knew God wasn't calling me to die even though the vows "...til death do us part..." seemed to be the only way of escape. How foolish to think God was calling me to the brink of death. I am so grateful that He led me to the Truth that I wasn't being called to die. I was being called to live---to TRULY live, not simply to survive and definitely not to wither away day by day.

I meant my marriage vows. I believe in the power of a covenant relationship. To think that God was calling me away from my marriage goes against what I believe. Yet I knew with certainty that I HAD to leave. I haven't had even a moment of doubt regarding that being a necessity. Leaving doesn't automatically mean divorce but I knew from the start that this separation would not be a short-term event.

This has been such a difficult journey.  I am so grateful for the blessing of encouragement from so many in my life who are aware of the situation.  I am so blessed by their honest, "tough" love and their willingness to not cast me or husband in a "bad light" because neither he or I ever planned on what has occurred.  I don't doubt the goodness of my husband's heart but what he is willing to offer simply isn't enough.  Maybe that will change. I guess time will tell though I am not feeling hopeful for any sort of reconciliation.  The whole thing may be easier if we were angry at one another but that's just not how it is. Awkward is an understatement.

This post was supposed to be about how I HAVE A NEW JOB but I'll make that a part 2 because it takes so little to flat out wear me down. Smiling through the sighs and tears while thinking about where to live.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Can Do All Things...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can DO ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

I haven't been on a job interview in 18 years!!
I've been on the giving end of the process for the past 15 years in a cooperative group atmosphere.

Gulp!! Panic!! Fearful!!

At least 5 interviews within the next 3 days. This is a GOOD thing. These are unexpected blessings.
These are something for which I'm grateful. BUT OH MY WORD!!! The anxiety is almost tangible.
All I can do is be honest and be true to my beliefs. If I'm not a good fit, I don't want to be there. God has always provided and He always will.

Feeling a little ridiculous but I know and truly believe that...

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!

Dear Lord, Please help me to remember to breathe! ;)

Saturday, June 21, 2014

It's officially summer!!

Finding it hard to believe that it is already June 21st. I'm amazed at how very slooow the school year went and how the time since the ending of school has flown by!! Dear Summer Break: PLEASE slow down!

My brother came to town last night and he and I packed up our mom's first load for her upcoming move. I only have one month to decide what direction my life will take next. Husband and I are meeting Monday to close on the house refinance. This will allow him to stay in the house and allow me to be debt-free except for my student loan. Not looking forward to that meeting but will be glad when that is behind us. I am tired of the tears that catch me off guard at the least expected times. All part of the grieving process but not fun. At all!

I have 4 more applications to complete then the job search is simply a waiting game. I applied to so many places simply based on mileage to family and friends so that I'll have the oft recommended support team during this time of huge transition. I turned down an interview in Breckenridge because it wasn't a preferred grade level. I turned down an interview in Killeen/Fort Hood area because it was farther than I realized. Great potential opportunities in Killeen but simply too far right now. I would have been all alone---just not advisable at this time of life. I seriously considered a proposed interview in Ballinger but the crime rate statistics steered me away for now. I am thankful for the blessing of being able to be selective about employment. At the worst, I'll stay with my sister and her family and sub in that area why entering the time of healing and full transition.

I have an interview in Eastland on Tuesday. The principal and I have already talked on the phone and that was an easy, enjoyable conversation. I liked what I could see online about the town and the school. My mom and younger sister would be about an hour away. My brother and older sister about 2 1/2 hours away. Lifelong friends are within a two hour time frame and returning to Tyler either for marital counseling or divorce proceedings won't be excessively difficult.

I am weary of this limbo status in marriage and career but want to be certain that I'm following where  God is leading so I'll continue to 'be still' until I am more clearly able to discern His will.

Looking forward to a couple of days alone. My mom is absolutely fabulous and I am so blessed that she has been and is okay with me staying here but being together 24/7 is a little tough on my introverted self ;). My to-do list while she is gone is ridiculous but I'll simply do what I can and be grateful for the time.

I met with a different counselor this past week and she seemed like a really good fit. We had a great 1st talk. I was amazed at how much I shared and how easily the information came forth. Felt weird but relieving. I'm tired of hiding and living in a way that seems so contrary to my hopes and dreams. At this point in time, there is nothing to lose by being totally upfront and honest. I'm more than ready to start living in a way that is real and authentic. Scary, scary but way past time!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Erratic day!!

Ended up not meeting with husband because he wasn't feeling well. Probably for the best...one less awkward afternoon is okay with me. I'll go out on Monday, while he is at work, and finish the straightening up/cleaning out process.

One thing I've learned while living with my mom for the past couple of months is the realization that I really don't need much stuff to live happily. As long as I have a place to sleep, access to food, and the ability to listen to music and read my Bible, I'm good. When the time comes for me to move into a place of my own, the move will be much easier because I'm going to stick with this newfound simplicity and let a lot of my things go to a goodwill type of charity in hopes that someone else may be blessed.

I've slept off and on throughout the day. Unexpected crying spells caught me totally off guard. I must get up at a reasonable time tomorrow and not take a nap before my flipping of nights and days become any easier. I've thought a lot about the people in my life that are and have been such an important part of my life and forever a part of my heart. I have been truly blessed. God brought to mind a friend from college that has walked this path I'm on and she has already been a tremendous source of encouragement.

Kyle, Elaine, and David have increasingly been on my mind. Once I start down that road is remembering, all of the others come rushing back also. (Kelly, Greg,  Corey R. Corey B., Brett, Bart, Gena, Randy N., Brian B., Scott, Pam). I doubt I will ever understand why their lives were so drastically cut short. I know I'll never stop missing them. Time really hasn't healed the wounds but time has made the losses more manageable. Makes me want hold tighter to those I hold close in my heart.

I miss my friend that I was able to reconnect with for a short amount of time but simply continue to pray for God's guidance, wisdom, and healing for what this friend has going on in their life. Letting go and trusting God to work out HIS best for all involved.

Hoping to get a lot accomplished today and form somewhat of a normal routine for the next few weeks before yet another move.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Blessings

Today has been a thought-provoking, blessing-counting kind of day. School has been out for a week and I finally feel caught up physically. It's crazy how much I have slept in the past 7 days but it feels good to be feeling good. I was just flat worn out. My poor mom's apartment looks like a warehouse with all my classroom belongings and her already-packed moving boxes. Smells very card-boardy around here;).

I felt such unexpected relief when turning in my keys after 18 years of employment. Very hard saying goodbye to my current and previous students but the amazing sense of relief  led me to be certain that it was time. I definitely won't miss the crap-drama that so frequently surfaced over the past 5-6 years.

The turning in applications and updating resume have been far more time-consuming than I imagined but it's coming along at a good pace. I'm applying for exact-desired positions in this area while applying more generally in the area where my sister lives. Simply praying that God will enable me to see which doors He's opening.

I'm meeting with hubby tomorrow to help prepare the house for the upcoming appraisal. He has refinanced the house and all debt where I will only be responsible for my student loan repayment. I'll sign a deed of trust at the closing for "my part" of the house if and when he chooses to sell. Some think I'm being foolish to do such but I don't see the point in inflicting any more hurt or inconvenience. I am okay with starting over---God has always provided me with what I've needed. I would rather have the burden of debt(s) removed than the state's proposed 50/50 split.  I'm so grateful that he and I have managed to be most amicable about all of this.

No divorce proceedings in the works but we both realize the likelihood of such. Time will tell, I suppose. A lot of emotions still hanging over both of us but waiting to get this house business taken care of before deciding on the feasibility of marriage counseling. Of course, that will be a much more difficult procedure should I move out of the area. Praying desperately that I will end up exactly where God wants me to be. Once again, asking that He will allow me the ability to clearly discern His will.

Right now, it's still day-by-day. Thankful to have moved beyond the moment-by-moment process which included reminding myself to breathe. I know God has a plan but I sure wish I knew what it was. Reminding myself: that's what faith is for.

I am seeing myself and the situations at hand with much more clarity and am so very appreciative of the friends and family that are upholding me in prayer and close to their heart. Truly blessed. Looking forward to a laid-back week, getting together with some precious ladies for lunch and spending a couple of days with my niece and one of my nephews this week.

Yay for summer 2014!! I was beginning to think you'd never arrive!