I'm finding it strange how the exact same heart can be shattering and soaring at the same time. The fact of both occurring simultaneously must be a God thing. This has been quite a week!
Almost every time Husband speaks, texts, or emails, he simply deepens an already gaping wound. Even though I know it is not intentional, the hurt remains. It's really more about what he doesn't say. Our so-called communication is absolutely infuriating and increasingly exhausting. I cannot give him anymore of my heart, especially when he shields so much of his from me and everyone else. I've fought against his self-proclaimed hedge of protection for at least 15 years. I don't have any fight left.
Since the start of April, when all really "hit the fan", I have fervently and continually prayed for God to give me clear direction. I had allowed myself to literally become way too close to the door of death. I knew God wasn't calling me to die even though the vows "...til death do us part..." seemed to be the only way of escape. How foolish to think God was calling me to the brink of death. I am so grateful that He led me to the Truth that I wasn't being called to die. I was being called to live---to TRULY live, not simply to survive and definitely not to wither away day by day.
I meant my marriage vows. I believe in the power of a covenant relationship. To think that God was calling me away from my marriage goes against what I believe. Yet I knew with certainty that I HAD to leave. I haven't had even a moment of doubt regarding that being a necessity. Leaving doesn't automatically mean divorce but I knew from the start that this separation would not be a short-term event.
This has been such a difficult journey. I am so grateful for the blessing of encouragement from so many in my life who are aware of the situation. I am so blessed by their honest, "tough" love and their willingness to not cast me or husband in a "bad light" because neither he or I ever planned on what has occurred. I don't doubt the goodness of my husband's heart but what he is willing to offer simply isn't enough. Maybe that will change. I guess time will tell though I am not feeling hopeful for any sort of reconciliation. The whole thing may be easier if we were angry at one another but that's just not how it is. Awkward is an understatement.
This post was supposed to be about how I HAVE A NEW JOB but I'll make that a part 2 because it takes so little to flat out wear me down. Smiling through the sighs and tears while thinking about where to live.