Friday, July 25, 2014

Road Trip(s)!!

Left Btown on Saturday; 5 hour drive back to T-town...Return to Btown on Tuesday, back to Ttown on Wednesday...round trip from T to B tomorrow so that I can be here to help my brother move our mom from her apartment...back to Ttown on Sunday for a couple of days then back to Btown on Tuesday where I may hopefully stay put until August 4th. Whew!! Tires me out to think about it. Glad that I enjoy driving and radio time.

SO VERY THANKFUL for Leslie's willingness to come to town today and help me pack and to get the bigger items from the house. I shouldn't be surprised because I've known the man for 19 years but every time that Husband communicates with me in whatever form, it only solidifies the fact that my choice to leave was the "right" thing to do---though it has been far from easy. I will be so grateful at the end of September when my finances are more stable to be able to afford what's necessary for divorce proceedings. This chapter of life needs to be closed. I was so hoping that I could begin such sooner but money only goes so far.

I don't care about the 50/50 legalities. I am fine with starting over. I don't care about the house equity, etc. My only legal requests are to have my name removed from the ownership of the house. for his name to be removed from my car title and to get my dog. I thought I could leave Bailey with Husband but I'm totally rethinking that for a variety of reasons.

Feeling incredibly blessed even through the emotional pain and chaos.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

And the Packing has Begun...

My mom went out to the house today and helped me pack up what I wanted from the kitchen and the downstairs wall decorations. I cannot believe how hard this is especially since I know it is the right thing to do. I managed to keep my emotions in check until Bailey jumped into the car and I had to force him out. When will the tears end?!? That was the biggest chore at the house so I think the worst part of the moving process is over. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Tomorrow will begin with taking the dogs to the vet then making a round trip to B-town to take a car load of boxes. I'm actually looking forward to the alone time in the car though 9 hours may be a bit much. My precious sister surprised me by cleaning the house from top to bottom so it is now move in ready. I would be absolutely lost right now without her loving and caring heart.

This time next week, a new chapter of life will have officially begun. I cannot even imagine how nice it will be to be settled in my new home. I am so appreciative of the gracious kindness shown to me by my family and friends but living as a guest in someone's else home for close to 4 months has been hard yet good for me and my independent self.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Relying on Hope

I am so not okay but I know that I will be and that truly does make all of the difference in the world.  Having hope for better things is so much better than the feelings associated with troublesome times over the past several years. This is by far the most difficult time I've ever experienced, outside of feeling suicidal for an extended amount of time but I can so clearly see God's help along this road that the regrets are minimal even though the grief is great.

All services have been connected/installed at the new house except for Atmos Gas and Dish Network but both are scheduled for the 28th. Appointments are made for the week, help with packing all set up and the friends helping with the move are planned and confirmed.

The fresh start is exciting but the endings are so bittersweet. I still feel like I'm living someone else's life. A mixture of grief, anger and frustration seem to happen without rhyme or reason. All who've traveled this road assure me that is simply part of the healing process. Praying that healing will occur at a faster pace and especially thankful that there are many moments of peace and joy in between the staggering moments of sadness.

A long-time friend had a birthday this week. In recent months, I'd imagined sharing some part of that special day but circumstances prevented me from being able to even share a "Happy Birthday" wish. Simply made my heart sad. The sadness deepened when I was walking through Brookshires that day and a song from Restless Heart played over their intercom system. The realization of the song sent me to the store restroom in tears. Guess it's good to know that the store employees are caring people but!!---embarrassing. If by chance, this friend reads these words, I hope they know they remain in my thoughts and prayers and will forever be in my heart.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Hee-Haw Oldie but Goodie

This evening as I pulled back into B-town around 10 p.m., that old Hee-Haw song, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all..." was going in my mind. (LOL!!) I  left Sheryl's today with the intention of going to the Dog Rescue Ranch to simply meet Phoebe then head on back to T-town.  The Rescue Ranch was NOT as I'd envisioned.  I was mortified upon arrival.  95 dogs and ONE woman who was, understandably, a bit scattered.

Phoebe was not fairly represented on the website.  She doesn't appear to be as well-trained as noted but nonetheless, she stole my heart.  I had never planned on getting her before the 28th but the lady begged me to take Phoebe today.  It was obvious that the poor woman was desperate and it was more than obvious that this low-key, sweet dog did not "belong" in the midst of that chaos.  I declined at first because I simply don't have the adoption fees at this time.  (The lady waived the fees.)  I continued with the 'I can't take the dog as filthy as she was to my mom's apt.'  (The lady gave her flea medication and a quick bath.)  I argued that I didn't have a crate or anything prepared to keep her safe.  (The lady gave me a crate that sells for $100.00).  Soooo...precious Ms. Phoebe slept in the backseat throughout the entire drive BACK TO BROWNWOOD(!!)  When I left the rescue ranch, I decided to go back to B-town because it was a much closer drive then heading on to T-town BUT me and my classic self, got mixed up somehow or the other and made the 2 1/2 hour drive last 5+ hours.  RIDICULOUS!!!  A GPS will definitely be my next purchase. Google Maps let me down in the biggest way in the midst of thunderstorms pretty much the entire drive.  

All in all, it was a good day.  Husband emailed me about some money that was "technically both of ours BUT..."  I am weary of all that mess.  I know without a doubt that God will more than adequately meet my needs; I am not expending the energy to fuss over finances.  I wasn't expecting the money and he is begrudgingly offering it.  I'm going to think on it and pray about for a few days but my initial response is to simply sign the check over and be done with it.

I keep trying to figure out why husband thinks he is the lone victim in all of this.  INFURIATING!!
But life is moving on...
job: check 
find a house: check
bank account: check 
utilities and such taken care of: check
new doggy companion: check
address change: check

I think all that remains is getting all of my "stuff" in ONE place.  Praying that will be able to be accomplished by the 28th so that I'll have a couple of weeks to prepare my classroom and set up the house.  I made it through today with only a couple of tearing up times but no falling tears.  YAY, ME!!  I count that as significant especially with the unexpected email with attitude and the chaotic dog situation and the looong driving adventure.

Another grrrrr... moment of the day: even after spending over $1500.00 on my car within the past 5 weeks, the blasted thing still died repeatedly today.  I'm not sure what the best choice is but I am seriously considering and seeking out advice whether or not to simply buy another car.  I will no longer have a 2 hour drive time daily and I won't be traveling as much on weekends so I'm hoping to be able to get by with what I have until at least January but that may not be what is best.  Lord, please give me wisdom and/or discernment.  The financial stuff is overwhelming me a bit.

I ended up behind a convoy of Army vehicles today in the Killeen area.  Of course, friends that are never far from my mind were immediately in the forefront of my thoughts.  Yet another bittersweet moment.  But in doing so, I was reminded to check in on R.S. as her divorce date draws near and also to get the care package to A.G. before he is deployed to the unknown.

One day at a time. :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

So much for plans (!!)

Well, so much for the best laid plans. I am the one who has set the schedule that only I am following so becoming stressed out over changes is senseless.  Made it safely to my sister's with the twins and had a good evening. Miserable night with very little sleep but a semi-productive day filled with lots of laughter has evened it all out.

I was able to get all of the utilities and such taken care of today so all will be good to go at the new place tomorrow except for the gas which won't be turned on until the 28th.  I rescheduled my time to visit the dog rescue for tomorrow and moved the vet appt for B and B until Friday.  So I'll head out tomorrow, go back to T-town and begin packing up my personal things from the house.  I'm not looking forward to that process but it has to be done.

I'll head back to B-town on Saturday with the remainder of my classroom items and that should be the last of the car loads until we all caravan back with my brother and the U-haul.  Soooo ready to be settled somewhere.  These past 4 months have been harder than I ever imagined but I do find comfort in knowing that what was done was necessary and peace in seeing how God has opened up doors of opportunities.  I know that God can work through this and any other circumstances but I still wish that the peace and comfort would totally replace the hurt.

Sheryl is taking care of cleaning the house for me.  Amber has helped me set all up and Leslie will be a big help with the actual move.  I am so blessed by these and many other friendships.  Looking forward to meeting new folks here but am already a bit homesick for what I will be leaving behind.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Action Plan

This moving business is harder than I ever imagined it to be even though I do not have any doubt that what is happening is best. Niece and nephew have been here for the past few days. A very low-key visit compared to their usual summer visit but my energy level and emotions are still inconsistent and my finances are low, at best. They are great kids who have grown up entirely too fast. Hard to believe that they will be high school freshman this year!! GULP!!

The issus with my car have been thouroughly irritating. Husband and I have not been angry but mainly just hurt over the past few months, but all this car stuff has been maddening. The issues that are now costing me at a most inconvenient time could have easily been prevented with proper care/maintenance. I feel extra foolish now for not taking it to repair places simply because he said that he would get to the repairs. Heaven forbid that I rocked the boat. Ugh!! The car has over 201,000 miles on it but I'd really like it to last at least one more year. Spending $1500.00 on it this summer was NOT in any sort of plan. But on the bright side, all should be well as I move and allow for a no car hassle in the midst of all of the new beginnings fixing to take place.

I will be taking niece and nephew to my sister's house tomorrow while dropping off a trunkful of items at my new place. I first need to get new tires in the early a.m. Before making that trip, we are planning on going to the Dog Rescue Ranch beforehand so that I may meet "Phoebe" and ensure that she and I will be a good match. I can't even describe the hurt in my heart at not taking my 2 fur buddies with me even though I think I am doing the right thing for each of us. Wish simply being right also meant not hurting. There are moments that I am amazed that my heart is actually still beating among all the breakage. Trusting that God truly will heal the broken-hearted. 

When I return from the quick trip, the DREADED task of going through what has been my home for many years will begin. I set up a gradual plan for me to sort through things alone. My mom will help me package the items and My friend, LDC, will be helping me move. My brother will be taking care of the larger items. If all goes somewhat according to plan, I will be set to go at the new place with at least 2 1/2 weeks before beginning the school year. Setting up both the house and a classroom will be interesting on a much-tighter-than-anticipated budget, but all WILL be okay.  I am definitely a low-maintenance kind of person so as long as the basics are set, I'll be fine. 

I have really been missing my out of state friend and remain in prayer that this friend is doing okay, is truly finding peace and happiness and knows that I'm still here if anything is needed. A strange hurt in my heart that I don't enjoy but I also don't regret even though so much may not ever make sense. 

Broken-hearted endings and bittersweet beginnings mark this current chapter of life. 
"Just keep swimming" continually plays in my mind. 
"Just keep swimming..."

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

...but some days are entirely TOO long...

The hardest of the hard days ARE getting better but what I would give to have my thoughts be silent! I "thought" myself  into a frenzy today---full blown frenzy with tears, vomiting, and the cancellation of plans I was really looking forward to with my buddy, Susan.  Weary of these emotional ups and downs but holding fast to the promise that God IS in control and I AM being taken care of.

My frustration and pain mainly come from knowing that I was willing to be and do anything/everything for Husband and he wasn't willing to do the same. I realize that the healthy view on this is to realize that is more about him than me BUT I can't help but wonder why wasn't he I not deserving...why is it so hard to love me...? Questions that only serve to drive me to emotional chaos. A while back, I compiled a list of Satan's lies counter-acted with God's truths. I'm thinking it's time to find that and refresh my tired heart. Wondering why the lies are always easier to believe.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Life IS moving on.

All seems to be moving so fast while at the same time, each day is exhaustingly long.

I am so grateful for the new job. The entire interview with Woodland Elementary has the fingerprints of God all over it. I have absolutely no doubt that God did, in fact, open this door. I just don't understand why. The campus is nice. The principal is fabulous and the fellow teachers and staff were wonderful. All still seems a bit surreal in that I now have a job, a new house (renting), and a support team of extraordinary women to rely upon during all of these transitions and all hours away from the life I've known for the past 19 years.

I will be less than 5 miles from work, 3 minutes from my sister and 10 minutes from my mom. I've decided to let Husband keep both dogs. Several feel that I allowed him to manipulate that situation but I am ultimately okay with the arrangement. I am grief-stricken, especially regarding Bailey, but I know that Bailey would have a hard transition. Bela would be okay but a handful especially since she only likes to walk on carpet and there isn't any carpet in "my" house. I also think that Husband needs them more than I do for comfort during this terribly difficult time. My goal is to be above reproach in this matter and ultimately feel at peace with God.

I have scoured countless animal rescues in search of a new fur-buddy. I cannot imagine going home to an empty house every day. I think I found the perfect fit in Elgin. I plan to travel next week to meet Phoebe and her current caretaker was okay with keeping her until the end of the month so all would be settled before bringing her home. I so hope it's a good fit and that my landlord approves her. He was fine with B and B but they are both considered small and their combined weight is 30 lbs. Phoebe is a German Shepherd/Alaskan Malamute Mix who is at least 50 lbs. She is house-trained, crate-trained, leash-trained, spayed, current on all vaccines, and well-mannered. Looking forward to meeting this precious-looking girl and praying that all will work out.

I had planned on renting a U-haul to carry some furniture from the house but I think it will be easier and more financially-sound to just take my personal belongings and get furnishings as I am able. I was already able to get a couch, chair, ottoman, and an armoire from some moving sales. My mom is giving me her trundle bed that I've used since being here with her and that'll be fine for a while. The house is 3 bedrooms with a fenced yard and a 2 car garage. The neighborhood is older but nice. One of my sister's good friends live 2 doors down and there are several policeman on the same street. Definitely another God-thing in finding a place in that location and price range. Brownwood is not all that big but I managed to get  all kinds of lost in the area. Sigh!! I kept ending up either at the Camp Bowie Army base or a nearby funeral home. Google maps was not helpful...a GPS will definitely need to be an upcoming purchase.

Husband and I have decided to not participate in marriage counseling. EVERY TIME, that he and I talk, the wound only deepens. He simply doesn't "get it".
I've talked with a lawyer and will pursue more information when it's financially feasible to do so.

I am so tired of the tears that still occur on a daily basis but I'm filled with more hope than I've had in a very long time.