Tuesday, August 19, 2014

A Wall

And, apparently, I hit the wall that people kept warning me was inevitable. I have been going "90 to nothing" for weeks. When we were dismissed at 3 p.m. today, I was excited about the extra time. I ran one errand and I.was.DONE! I thought someone was going to have to physically remove me from my car. Every inch of my body hurt! I've done absolutely nothing since being home from work. Played with my dog, cooked dinner and watched TV while intermittently crying. And IT'S ONLY TUESDAY(!!)
Praying for a night of recuperative rest and the mercies to get through this week.

Friday, August 15, 2014

And the School Year Begins...

Today was fabulous!  I cannot believe that a new teacher orientation day could be so fun!  I am so excited.  I am feeling like a first year teacher all over again despite this being my 21st.  Turns out that is a good thing.

It is beyond refreshing to be with folks who enjoy what they are doing.  My immediate co-workers seem fantastic and it looks to be a great school year! Now if only my classroom were set and ready(!!).

The principal had a small luncheon for all of us who are new to the WH campus and it was really enjoyable.  My classroom still looks like a warehouse but I am going to attack the chaos over the weekend and transform that room.

Tonight, I must focus on my house.  The piles are easily getting out of control.  Sooooo... ready to be settled---that day is drawing closer.  Yay for the weekend and yay for a week to get to know my co-workers better before the onslaught of students.

Praising God for EACH and EVERY joyful moment in the midst of loss and transition.
My prayers today have included provisional care and safety for the troops that have been deployed to the Mexican border (passed a convoy of 7 military vehicles this morning on the way to work) and praying that my ever-too-frequent tears will cease but that the sensitivity I feel towards (#1) those who are struggling and (#2) towards the awareness that God's care and concern for His children, including me, is far better than the absolute best care from one another.

Looking forward to a Pajama night of silly TV and quiet time at home.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A Simple Question

People keep asking me if I am okay.
Sounds like a fairly simple question but the true answer is far more complicated.
Most receive the obligatory "I'm fine" response for lack of energy, time, or maybe simply because of the lack of a close relationship.

Am I okay?
I've just left the life I've known for the past 17 years.
I've left the town that was my home for 19 years.
I've left the job I've had for 18 years.
I've lost the relationship with the man that should have been my best friend for life.
I've lost his side of the family; many of whom I hold so dear to my heart.
I've lost the daily interaction with co-workers, many that I considered close friends.
I've left my house, most of my personal belongings and my 2 puppy loves.

I'm heartbroken.
I'm grief-stricken.
I'm fearful.
I'm exhausted.
I'm confused.
I am flat worn out and filled with the questions regarding when this time of transition will be over.
I am having a lot of difficulty in envisioning plans beyond the day at hand.
I am literally living moment-by-moment with frequent reminders to just keep breathing.
My sleep is erratic.
My energy is diminished.
My appetite is unpredictable.
My tears fall daily.
I feel crushed and shattered in so many ways.

Will I be okay?
I have a loving Heavenly Father who will always have my best interest in the forefront of His heart.
I have been blessed with a loving family who have been nothing short of miraculous in their love and support.
I have the privilege of true friends who have carried me through this agonizing time with their emotional support, monetary help, prayerful guidance and even their personal time and physical energies.
I have been blessed in amazing ways with a new job and fabulous co-workers that I know, without a doubt, God provided.
I am comfortable in a new-to-me house in a safe neighborhood.
I am keeping company with my newest puppy love, Phoebe, and her presence has been incredibly comforting.
I'm filled with more hope than I've felt in at least past the 8 years.
I'm excited about the potential opportunities ahead.
I feel a sense of strength I've never known amidst the feeling of being unbelievably broken.

So, am I okay?

No, not really but I know that I will be.
For that alone, I am grateful.
And in this moment, knowing that is enough.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Strange Sense of Loss

The death of Robin Williams has deeply touched me with a sense of sadness, gratitude and fear.

Sadness for such a profound loss, especially to the entertainment industry.

Gratitude for the myriad of ways he brought such joy to so many through his career, for the ways he cared for those whom he loved and for the giving of his time, energies and resources to those less fortunate. I have so appreciated his candor and honesty with the struggles he's faced. Speaking as one who has struggled with the inexplicable darkness of depression for many years, his perseverance was an encouragement.

Herein lies the Fear: for here was a person who had any available resource at hand yet that wasn't enough. He fought and fought this insidious disease through counseling, inpatient/outpatient facilities, and his Christian faith yet he ultimately lost the fight and lost his life. Breaks my heart and reminds me how scary that sense of darkness can be.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Wow! Just wow!


Once again, the power of a song brings me to my knees in thankfulness and adoration in the midst of tear-falling grief .

Lyrics to Begin Again:

This one goes out to you
If you gave all you had and it wasn't enough

It goes out to you
If you're afraid you've failed everybody you've loved

It goes out to you
If the ties that bind are coming undone
And you're so tired that you wanna give up

This one goes out to you
When you got the call and it wasn't good news

It goes out to you
When there's nothing more that you can do

It goes out to you
When everything sad isn't coming untrue
And every dream you chased got away from you

There's never been a night so long…
There's never been a life too far gone
When you come to the end, you can begin again

It's never too late for a new start
If you give God the pieces of your broken heart
When you come to the end, you can begin again

Arise, my love, the winter's past, the spring has come!
He makes all things beautiful in time
After the fire, what remains is the love that will not change
And makes all things beautiful in time

It's never too late for a new start
No matter how your life's been torn apart
When you're at the end, you can begin again

There's never been a night so long…
There's never been a life too far gone
When you come to the end, you can begin again

It's never too late for a new start
If you give God the pieces of your broken heart
When you come to the end, you can begin again

Oh, when you come to the end, you can begin again

Friday, August 8, 2014

The Girl I Once Was and Want to be Again

I've been thinking about all of the things that I once enjoyed before committing myself to a life of nothing more than working from day to day and simply surviving.

Probably not a very interesting list but it felt good to remember and to plan accordingly.  I'm definitely easily-amused. Lol!

  • Water loving
  • Pinball
  • Bowling
  • Picnicking
  • Silly games
  • Sports fun (I am not very competitive but I like the fun.)
  • River floating
  • Snow cones
  • Long walks
  • Horses
  • Cows
  • Basically, any type of animal with fur
  • Rainbows
  • Yellow Roses
  • Tulips
  • White daisies
  • Pillow-filled pick up trucks lying under the stars
  • Boot wearing
  • Casual dresses
  • Fire crackers
  • Laughing until it hurts
  • Feel good movies
  • Chocolate eating
  • Garden picking
  • Cheetos
  • Doodling words and "art"
  • Power tools 
  • Sun loving
  • Garage sales
  • Clearance racks
  • Four-wheeling
  • Golf-carting
  • Go-carts
  • Riding lawn-mowers
  • Road trips
  • Sidewalk/Parking Lot Carnivals
  • Christmas lights
  • Reading
  • Magazines
  • Recipes
  • Baking
  • Secret pal without actually participating
  • Park swinging
  • Water slides
  • Crawdad fishing
  • Arcades: especially Tetris, PacMan, Galaga, Ms. PacMan
  • Cheesy romance movies
  • Walking in the woods
  • Washing cars with water hoses and a bucket of sudsy soap
  • Maintaining a healthy weight
  • Washing dishes by hand
  • Camping
  • Organizing
  • Star gazing
  • Night Swimming
  • Letter writing
  • Photo taking
  • Fruity drinks
  • Ice cream anytime...where
  • Thrift shops
  • Penny slots
  • Breakfast buffets
  • "Board" Games like Monopoly, Checkers, Backgammon
  • Playing in the rain
  • Rainy day pajamas
  • Truck stop style breakfast foods
  • Silly songs
  • Sonic drinks
  • DQ Blizzards
  • Braums waffle cones
  • Rocking babies
  • Visiting the beach
  • Seashell searching
  • Line dancing (I've never actually done this but think I would like it.)
  • S'mores
  • Campfires
  • Hot dog cookouts
  • Spontaneous trips
  • Zoo
  • Movies
  • Putt putt golf
  • Bumper boats
  • Candle light
  • Gym
  • Fruit picking
  • Bike riding
  • Motorcycle passenger
  • Trampolines
  • Hot apple cider
  • Sweet tea
  • Hot cocoa
  • Snow fights
  • Softball
  • Kickball
  • Volleyball
  • Pool floating
  • Boat-riding
  • Jet-ski (never done but know I would LOVE)
  • Crayon coloring
  • Devotional songs
  • Mission trips
  • Kids in need
  • Christmas Shopping
  • State intro travel centers
  • County fairs
  • Live sporting events
  • Animal rescues
  • Book stores
  • Hot tubs
  • Bubble paths
  • Trail walks
  • Pedal boats
  • Bike riding
  • Loud music
  • Concerts
  • Target shooting
  • Moonlight
  • Midnight movies
  • Sleeping late
  • Cold nights with lots of blankets
  • Bonfires
  • Fireplaces

Did I already mention that I am easily amused?!?

The NEVER.ENDING. Moving Process (grrrrrr...)

Exhaustion is an understatement!  What was supposed to be my final trip to T-town for "one more carload" was extended once again.  UGH!! I go back to the area on the weekend of the 30th so that WILL be my final trip out to the house.  I have no doubt that I have done the "right thing" but having no doubt doesn't cause the pain associated with so many endings go away.I cried throughout the entire day then for the first 1 1/2 hour of the shoulda-been 5 hour drive.  I only made it 2 1/2 hours and decided to stop and spend the night at a hotel.  Thinking maybe I could just live here in the pre-cleaned, breakfast served daily room ;)

As I was driving back into T-town, I thought of how few the "good memories" are in a place that I called home for close to 19 years.  Surprised and saddened me.  SO THANKFUL for new beginnings.  I will NOT repeat the mistakes of the past.  I will treasure each moment.  I will be honest with myself and with others.  I will not compromise what I believe. I will not base my choices on fears or shame.  I will make the most of every opportunity.  I will be genuine in my relationships with others.

Living like a hermit for the past 12 years has been ridiculous and I am so looking forward to being involved in LIFE again.