Today has been a hard day. I'm certain that my hormones and after effects of a short-lived upper respiratory infection aren't helping my frame of mind. The sadness is running deep and I'm fearful that if I allow the tears to begin, they won't cease for hours and I can't begin the work week off fighting off fatigue.
I've prayed that God would let me know, without any doubt, when it was time for my next step in this new journey of life. It seems the time is now and I am filled with such conflicting emotions and desires. Because of the recent sickness and the raging hormones, I won't take action yet but the time does seem imminent. There are some things that I feel I must say simply for the sake of being heard before moving forward but I'm not sure that I am up to adequately handling any sort of argumentative response or attempt at justifying what has been done and said.
I know that I am on the right path. I know that God is holding me close in care, love and protection. My family has been incredibly supportive. I have many who have offered to help in any way needed. Despite all of those blessings, the loneliness is almost tangible. There are 4 people that I feel that I could "bear my soul" too but I've been separated by one through a death I'll never understand---I would give anything for one more day. There are 2 that I won't allow myself to "burden" while they have so much going on in their own lives and the other has chosen to remove themselves from my life for reasons I may never fully understand.
I know that I will get through this "darkness" because I believe in the promises of God. I'm just weary of the ache that runs so deep and the sense of loneliness that can seem like a monster that literally takes away the ability to breathe.