Sunday, September 28, 2014

Just An Observation

I realize that the following sounds like a complaint but it's really more of an observation. An observation that leaves my heart hurting and my mind reeling because of the why-sort of questions that may never be answered.

I have been far from perfect in my life but I have, for the most part, been a good girl. I stayed away from all drugs and excessive alcohol. I am choosy on what I allow to enter my mind in forms of entertainment. I've only dated those that I knew had some sort of connection with the One True God. I was definitely a rule-follower even when the rules made no sense.

I personally didn't like my dad but I did show him respect because regardless of his abuse, I knew that The Lord commanded us to "Honor our father and mother" with no following stipulations. I've always strived to know more about God and actively sought out how to establish a relationship with Him. I've failed and sinned in numerous ways but my heart has been consistently focused on the "living above reproach" thinking mode.

I didn't rebel. I didn't party. I didn't abuse or take advantage of others or of situations. I am a low-maintenance gal that is easily pleased and easily entertained. I didn't choose this style of life for rewards  but I was keenly aware that all choices have consequences.

The only "thing" I've ever wanted was to share my life with someone. Due to the situation with my dad's criminal background, openness in relationships was next to impossible while under his household. I've been blessed throughout my entire life with people who have been there for me despite my dad's lifestyle and influence. But I always lived in fear and kept guarded.

I was able to leave my childhood home and regrettably, almost immediately, replaced the dysfunctional, chaotic environment of my childhood with a similar scenario that I wouldn't recognize as such for years.

I thought that I had done all of the "right things" to avoid the very life that I still can't believe is my own. What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough to warrant a good relationship with my dad way back when? What did I do or didn't do that made others throughout my life treat me in disrespectful, unkind ways? Why couldn't or why didn't I recognize the bad that was occurring? Why didn't I appreciate and hold tight to "the good"? Why wasn't I worth more in my marriage? I apparently wasn't even worth fighting for.

I have ultimately been alone my entire life despite hungering for a shared, reciprocal relationship more than anything, outside of my relationship with God.  I can't go back and change what has happened in the past. How can I be certain to not allow similar scenarios in the future?

I imagine that each of us have the need to feel wanted, to be respected, to feel treasured/cherished, to know protection. Wondering why that comes so easily for others and if I'll ever have such or at least be aware of why I haven't.

Truly not complaining. Simply a tear-filled, heart-hurting realization. I know that God can redeem all things. I know that He can restore and repair anything and anyone. I know that He is capable of turning ashes into beauty. My continual prayer is that He will choose to create something...anything good from this mess I created called my life.

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