Sunday, October 19, 2014

Declaration of/for Life (Part 2 of 2)

While in that hospital, I confided in one of the doctors about an early-in-life-experience and some situations regarding my marriage. I was pleasantly surprised by his immediate response and continued care. Another piece of evidence that openness and vulnerability would not be the end of me or the end of those who showed their care, concern, and/or love for me.

From that point onward, I was able to allow a select few into that inner circle. Not all handled it as I'd hoped; I was ultimately betrayed by 3 people (DKG, TMH, TBS) which hurt like hell BUT the world DID keep turning and I came through those hurtful  experiences stronger than I've ever felt.

Because of that newfound strength, I was able to begin counseling that has been an on-again/off-again process with openness and no games. I was able to offer "legal testimony and evidence" that prevented the further harm of others. Through that, I realized how truly powerless I am, especially in attempts to control other people and situations yet I finally realized that God was and is powerfully strong enough to get me through whatever comes my way, even if it means I'm a weeping mess that He has to carry.

In that same time frame (2008-09), I began yet another attempt to confront the issues in my marriage in the hopes that 'things' would get better. Being met with resistance would be an understatement. I was basically told 'sorry about your luck...your problem, not mine."  Not what I had hoped for but I wasn't shocked by the response. That was the moment, I began to accept responsibility for my own life.

I enlisted the help of physicians along with the counseling to better care for myself regardless of the circumstances, situations or repercussions. I trusted a chosen few to stand with me in prayer for God's wisdom, discernment and guidance. I never imagined at the time that choosing to do so would ultimately result in the end of my marriage. Though the ending has been horrifically painful, I have peace in my heart knowing that I did everything I knew to do to salvage the relationship but it wasn't enough or simply may have been too late.

I wasn't a perfect wife, by any means. I made plenty of mistakes along the way but I know that I gave it my all and that's all I could have offered.

The application and interview process that resulted in my new job in Brownwood was, without a doubt, orchestrated by God. I went into the interview with "my plan" in mind which consisted of certain topics being off-limits and an anxiety pill readily available. Apparently, my plan didn't coincide with God's plan. The interview committee asked very direct questions that couldn't be glossed over. A single crunchy Cheerio broke away the initial nervousness (lol!), thus no meds needed. That hour+ long interview will forever be one of my favorite experiences. I answered honestly and directly with no apologies and no hiding. MUCH more was disclosed than planned(!!). My closing statements at the interview were along the lines of being grateful for their time and the opportunity but to please not hire me if they didn't feel that I would be a "good fit" because I was coming out of situations that I wasn't best suited for and I wound no longer accept anything less. They thanked me, I received a few hugs and was told they would be in contact with me in 4-6 days. Four to five HOURS later, I received the call that I had the job if I so desired. ABSOLUTELY AN AFFIRMATIVELY ANSWERED PRAYER.

Each day holds its own amount of difficulties that I've been assured accompany the steps of separation, divorce and basically walking away from the life I had known.

The sadness is deep. The grief is real. Yet I have an inexplicable sense of peace because I will no longer hide. I will no longer self-protect by trying to force others into or out of my life. I trust that God will bring ALL things together for HIS good and albeit, ever so slowly, I am beginning to appreciate that is an amazingly wonderful gift.

I will speak honestly. I will allow my heart to be open. I will base all on the premise of Godly love. I will be vulnerable. I will be grateful for all things, even if it hurts. I will live authentically and genuinely.

Jesus sacrificed too much for me to choose a life of caution and fear.

I will choose to trust God above all and continually seek His will and rely upon His promises.

I will no longer hide for any reason or for anyone. Those that can handle that, I welcome with open arms. Those that can't, I let go with the Trust that God's plans will prevail against all.

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