Monday, October 6, 2014

In A Strange Place

In a strange place. Finishing up the 1st six weeks of school, decorating the house and going on a trip as an employee of my new ISD has made reality hit. And it has hit hard. People keep assuring me that I am doing well and that is all okay but I often wonder.

Is this sinking feeling normal? Are tears supposed to be this frequent? I can't even think beyond a week at a time which IS an improvement but still frustrating. I know that this is a time of grief but I NEVER imagined how grief-stricken I wound truly be.

I don't want others to be worried about me so I'm keeping a brave front or simply staying out of sight. Ironic that I desire so much to simply be with no pretenses, no masks yet fear that vulnerability leading to more heartache.

I was rereading through some of this blog over the weekend and was reminded of some important truths; especially the entries in July 2011.

I find myself missing husband and wanting to talk with him and see how he is doing but that doesn't seem wise since there isn't any desire to return to the way things were. I still care about him and know he feels the same so the silence is deafening and awkward. I was the one who demanded the silence with stipulations. I shouldn't be surprised that he isn't willing to stipulate anything. He is not a man of compromise and I've allowed him to have his way on everything for 19 years; I shouldn't expect anything new but his selfishness, though expected, still hurts all the same.

It's strange how in my mind's eye, I can easily imagine a life of companionship and joy with someone who isn't mine to have. I have prayed that if it is in God's plans for this person to be in my life that God will clearly show that path. And that if it's not in His plans, that He will take away that desire and help me to hold each thought captive and realistic.

I am finding that the weekends are the hardest so I need to make an action plan to not allow Satan to use that time as a tool of discouragement, despondency and fear.

I'm so thankful for a work day with no students tomorrow and for the opportunity to attend the 2 day conference this week. A 2 day week with students will do me good because I invest so much energies in my classroom that it has left little for outside of work. I'm striving to find a balance.

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