Friday, October 3, 2014

Sleepless Night

Zz-quil, warm milk, relaxing music, reading, praying and everything else I could think of has not helped with getting to sleep tonight (this morning). I am tired but the minute I get still, my mind jumps into overdrive.

It was 6 months ago today that I knew I wouldn't be returning to the same life I'd led for close to 19 years. I wasn't sure what all that reality would entail but I knew that serious changes had to be made before I allowed myself to be completely destroyed. There wasn't any way to foresee the changes that would take place. I never imagined the life I now lead yet am so thankful for the many ways in which God has, without a doubt, opened up the doors of opportunity.

I thought husband and I had a chance to work things out but I know now that isn't going to happen. As I was visiting with my counselor this evening, he assured me that I was doing far better than I realized. I have prayed for clarity and wisdom to know if and when to file for divorce. I don't have 100% assurance at this moment but definitely in the high 90% range. There are some things that I feel  I must tell husband and am remaining in prayer for the best words and proper timing. I know I can't go back. I'm just not sure how to move forward. Right now, my focus is to keep breathing deeply every day. I'm thinking that either Thanksgiving or Christmas Break may be the best time to return to my previous county and make arrangements. There isn't a reason to rush; just seems logical that the sooner this process is begun and completed,  the sooner the healing can begin.

I see it being uncontested and I am not after anything monetarily or materially, despite the ones who feel that I should insist on the 50/50 TX law. I don't want to purposefully hurt him in any way and I've already started over, without what may or may not be legally mine. Some don't understand my reasoning but I've no doubt that God will meet my needs in whatever ways He sees fit without me fussing over it all. This 'battle' has gone on long enough. Time for closure. Time for peace.

I am currently studying about the prevalence of autism and how this will effect our classrooms. I will soon be going to a 2 day conference in San Angelo. There is also an upcoming conference in Searcy (of all places!!) but I declined the opportunity. I don't think I could be in that particular area without wanting to reach out to a 'friend' who has made it clear that no further communication is wanted. I find it infuriatingly coincidental that this well-reputed nationally-travelled conference ends up being at my alma mater. Torn between laughing and crying at the irony.

3 1/2 hours until my alarm goes off. {grrrr...}
Guess I'll try again to sleep. If not, I'll get up, shower, and head on over to the campus and at least do something productive. Doubly-thankful it's Friday because it's looking like a long day ahead.

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