Sunday, November 30, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(52)

1. Thanksgiving leftovers. YUM!
2. Caring friends who have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
3. Mini-vacation voucher for 2 night/3 day stay in place of my choosing.
4. Finally getting all elements in guest room together. Now for the wall decor :).

Thanksgiving Break

These few days off of work have been such a blessing. I was finally able to complete the living room set up, make what I hope to be my final trip to the house in Tyler, and catch up on some much-needed rest.

The time with my family didn't go as expected. I'm seriously considering skipping the Christmas gathering this year. Though I know it wasn't intentional, my feelings were repeatedly hurt throughout the weekend. So much so that I simply left Saturday evening after telling my mom 'bye'. I know my emotions are haywire right now so chose to remove myself from the volatile situation.
It's been a while since I've cried that hard and that long. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. May God bless the kind lady at Sonic(!!) I'm keeping to myself today so that I can begin the work week with 100%.

The next 3 work weeks will be filled with the Christmas "crazy schedules" but it will be fun. I am definitely taking some sort of "me trip" over the 2 week holiday break. I just need to figure out when and where.

I am hoping to complete sorting through boxes today now that all is finally in one place. That may be too large of a task for one day but going to give it a try.

Daily Gratitudes (50 and 51)

1. Simple thinking-of-you sentiments from caring friends.
2. Kevin, Angel, Allen, and Elizabeth safely traveling to town.
3. Beautiful, sunshiny day!

Saturday (51)
1. Cuddle time with Rhyder.
2. Seeing my niece and nephews making life-long memories.
3. Angel's help in setting up audible books on my phone along with adjusting phone to work through my car.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(47)

1. Immediate availability for appointment to be made with lawyer.
2. Amber's support by accompanying me to the appointment.
3. For the kindness and consideration that Jennifer (the lawyer) shared and her ability to truly "get it".

Daily Gratitudes(48)

1. For the sweetness of the children performing songs that honor those who serve in the military.
2. For the friendships that are developing with both Kelsie and Deidra.
3. For the shared laughter with Andria and Aaron.

Daily Gratitudes(49)

1. Safe travels for both me and Sheryl as we made a round-trip to East Texas so that I may FINALLY be "done" at the house.
2. For the loving-care and kindness of my now ex-neighbors, Phillip & Donnie. Yummy to fresh fried catfish. :)
3. Supportive friends as this new journey in life is beginning. Especially to Momma, Sheryl & Mitch, Leslie and Susan. 
4. H-E-B stores. Love that place!
5. Soon-to-be-ex showing 'true colors' for the past several days which has made this process a bit easier than anticipated. 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(46)

1. Kaeden's and Rhyder's giggles.

2. Surprise "Santa" picture from my mom.

3. My mom's help in getting guest bed together and some wall decor hanging.

4. Sweetness of my puppy-loves.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(45)

1. Lazy day at home
2. Sound of the falling rain
3. Marvelous power of thunder and lightning.
4. Time available to simply be.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(44)

1. Successful "Indian Pow-Wow" with my students and their families.

2. Silliness of the TV show, The Big Bang Theory.

3. Relaxing early evening at Sheryl's house.

4. Elizabeth's sweet text in which she shared Owl City's song: "You're Not Alone".

5. Kindness of the man named Joe at the Dollar General Store.

6. Uplifting words from the parents of my students. Definitely not on my A-game this past fall but glad to know that all efforts are appreciated. I do love my job!

7. Relaxing weekend going into the 2-day work week. Woo-hoo!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(43)

1. Successful field trip with students that were of some concern.

2. Extended lunch time that allowed for a delicious taco salad.

3. Completing report cards on time.

4. Good, honest conversation with Linda.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(42)

1. Fast-acting migraine medicine.

2. Fabulous co-workers.

3. Weather allowing a much-needed recess time.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(41)

1. Kaeden hanging out with me after school. Having company in the quiet moments at the end of the work day helped me get a grip and keep focused.

2. Kind-hearted co-workers who loved on and prayed over me on what turned out to be an emotional afternoon.

3. Supportive friends who encourage and support me even if speaking the truth hurts. Thanks, especially to TS, SB, AD, RD and AH.

4. The 3 simple words that pierced my heart and gave me strength: "protective not vindictive".

5. Ease of and quick availability in setting up necessary appointment.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(40)

1. Diane's friendship. So blessed to share a classroom with one I truly enjoy and admire.

2. My momma always being there for anything and everything.

3. Potential for a Girl's Night Out in Austin with Amber, Sheryl, and Maranda. 

4. An unexpected occurrence that seems to be the "go-ahead" I was needing to 'hear'.

5. 'Fun' and informative emails.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Effects of an Afternoon Nap

The much-enjoyed Sunday afternoon nap is messing with my ability to sleep tonight.
I must get on some sort of regular routine.

Hard to believe that it actually snowed and stuck to the ground this evening. I don't mind the cold weather. My main weather love is SUNSHINE, regardless of the temperature. A day of gray skies is alright with me but more than a day or two, I am yearning for sun. I was amused by several decking their homes out today for Christmas because of the cold day. (Poor lil' Thanksgiving Turkey gets no respect.)

I have one more trip for the remainder of my things in Tyler. Most of which is my Christmas decor and the extra washing machine. I'm debating on renting a small uhaul. If I had to do this move all over again, I would've rented the biggest truck available and been done. I am dreading going back out to the house. Not so much because of whatever memories, I just hate to see Bailey and Bela again and then walk away. Seems cold-hearted that it's been harder for me to let go of "my dogs" than my marriage but that in itself speaks volumes. Husband's attitude about keeping the dogs sealed the deal.

I thought about returning the Wednesday before Thanksgiving but still uncertain. Sheryl said that she would go with me. I keep praying about the decision but remain unsure.

I'm thankful for Linda's guidance in helping secure a lawyer and following through with the next steps. I so wish this was already over but I didn't feel comfortable leaving husband in a financial bind. He's had close to 8 months to get whatever in order. I just hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot by allowing the refi back in June.

I am not responsible for his hardships.
I am not responsible for his hardships...
I am not responsible....
Hoping the repetition of such will sink in.

Outside of the lack of my physical presence, his life hasn't changed much at all. I left the house as it was. Only took duplicate kitchen items and 4 pieces of furniture. I'm the one who has done all of the changing and adjustment. That was my choice and I've no regrets about such except for the dogs. So in that fact alone, I shouldn't be so hesitant about doing what I NEED to be done simply because of not wanting to cause him any upheaval.
Always the care-taker...Grrrrrr!!!
A habit that is obviously dying hard.

Now that I've lived in Brown County for 90 days, I can do all of the legal filing here. That's a huge relief because driving to and from Tyler was simply un-doable because of my work schedule and lack of days allowed off.

I've been told that it takes a minimum of 60 days from filing before a judge will even see the paperwork. Beginning a new year with that chapter closed would have been ideal but...all will occur in its right time.

When all of this began, I was fine with simply leaving all behind and beginning again. Now that some time has passed, my expectations have changed. I am so thankful that God has provided for my every need when I was literally down to nothing.

But with the distance of time and emotion, I realize it is not "selfish, mean, etc." of me to expect the sale of OUR home and to gain whatever financial assets are reasonable.

One day at a time...

Daily Gratitudes(39)

1. Great price on a much-needed file cabinet.

2. Productive weekend.

3. Sunday afternoon nap!

4. Surprise of snow! Now hoping for a delayed start to school ;)

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Daily Gratitude(38)

1. Gorgeous day!

2. Finally having a weekend with enough physical energy to clean, clean, clean.

3. Talking with a new neighbor who was pleasant.

4. Momma, Sheryl and the boys unexpectedly dropping by with dinner.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(37)

1. Postponement of a dreaded afternoon meeting.

2. Gabi's sweet smiles as we celebrated her birthday in class.

3. No injuries after an embarrassingly, clumsy fall.

4. Nice neighbors.

5. Phone chat with a treasured friend.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(36)

1. Being able to come back to the house during lunch time. A short time off campus did wonders for the fatigue I was feeling.

2. The super fast service for a super-good burger at The Runaway Train Cafe. Perfect lunch.

3. Ease of appointment with Linda H. Truly believe she is the answered prayer for the start of this new journey.

4. Quiet night at home with no social obligations.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(35)

1. Professional support at just the right moment when student with special needs was experiencing behavioral difficulties.

2. Fun evening out with Amber and Sheryl.

3. Plans made to see my precious friend, Susan, over the Thanksgiving Break.

4. Loving message from Leslie.

5. Surprise Christmas-y decor from Sheryl since my Christmas decor remains in Tyler. Simply wasn't worth another trip.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(34)

1. Our school's program for Veterans of all armed forces. So blessed to be a part of a community who shows such support for our military. The 1st "hooah!" shouted out from a man in the audience holding an aged photo of himself with his Army buddies had me in tears. Even the youngest children participated and showed proper respect. What a privilege!

2. Crisp, cold and sunny morning. Yay for sweater weather!

3. Safe-keeping of my sister's two small dogs who dug out of their safety pen while hawks were circling(!!)

4. Finally taking the time to get a much needed haircut. Now to color those grays.

5. That 20 years today, David was blessed with the surgical transplants that blessed us with more years with him than any thought possible.

6. For my dear friend, Susan, who is celebrating her birthday today.

Daily Gratitudes(33)

1. Great tips and tricks in helping make the jump from a PC to a Mac.

2. Deidra's encouraging support

3. Access to washer and dryer at my sister's house

4. Good deal on a gel pen pack at Staples

5. Communicating with Linda H.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Daily Gratitudes (32)

Difficult day but thankful nonetheless for:

1. Safe travels to and from Abilene

2. Amber's hospitality for an impromptu visit

3. My brother-in-law's kindness as I cried on his shoulder. So weary of these tears. Ugh.

4. Beauty of the moon

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(31)

1. Kurt's kindness towards my accidental oversleeping and missing my scheduled appointment.

2. Being able to reschedule today's missed appointment for tomorrow. Going into the work week with what's on my heart would be burdensome.

3. 10 cent deals on Halloween merchandise for next year.

4. The power of Scripture.

5. TLS willingness to hear me.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(30)

1. The "Book Fair" volunteers and their graciousness to kids/families in need.

2. The availability of Disney's Beauty and Beast DVD. My kiddos enjoyed the high school play and are lovin' the cartoon version.

3. The opportunity to participate in the school's 100-mile club. Gulp(!!) Ought to be interesting to  walk 100 miles between now and mid-May.

4. Tomorrow's trip to Abilene for counseling appt. and a better selection of athletic shoes. (Poor Kurt doesn't know what's coming at him tomorrow...but he assured me that he can handle whatever comes up. Sigh...)

4. Loving messages from the families of my previous students.

5. Simple & clear expectations at my new school that are not dependent upon family ties, finances, or social status. To be treated fairly, respectfully and not having to walk on eggshells is great!

6. For the safety of Heather, this morning, after she was "plowed into" by another driver who ran a stop sign.

7. For the safety of Deidra and her girls, this morning, after a large deer rammed itself in the side of her SUV.

8. For the kindness of the soldiers who helped me with a large box at Walmart that was obviously causing me issues in the parking lot and who also took the time to shake hands and visit with an elderly man who was shopping. (I was determined that the blasted box WOULD fit into my car. I was wrong {LOL} but the packaged doghouse did make it home after being unpacked, unassembled, and pressed sideways. Thinking maybe I should have got a truck or SUV.)  I'm still not used to seeing so many dressed in fatigues out and about. Still takes me a minute to remember where I am. When seeing such in Tyler usually meant some type of chaos was occurring. Seeing such here is just a part of life.

9. For the fun time with Kaeden scouring the Halloween clearance racks and boxes. We found some great deals.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(29)

1. Surprise classroom visit by Sheryl.

2. Breakthrough moment of connection with my newest student.

3. Casual, enjoyable conversations with Jenny & Andria

4. Kindness of Moore Publishing after I screwed up a simple T-shirt order.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Change is sometimes necessary.

This has been a calm,  quiet nite with the sound of steady rain and much cooler temperatures. I realized tonight how disappointed I am at the realization that a friendship with someone I've known since childhood may need to seriously change. There isn't a need or even a desire for the relationship to end. But after several years of its fair amount of twists and turns, I do see how some changes are necessary. Necessary for the betterment of them and me. Seems like we've become stuck in roles that aren't as valid as they once were.

I felt a huge sense of relief the other day after briefly communicating with this person because they assured me that they truly knew where I was coming from but when we had the opportunity to talk longer, I realized that was a lovingly meant statement but it wasn't true.

There have been times in my life that I've needed those who loved me to pull blinders from my sight and kindly reprimand me if I was on the wrong track.

I will always welcome people into my life that help me see things clearly and encourage me to be and do better but I am no longer in need of surrogate parental figures who are too busy trying to protect me and feel as they have the right to reprimand me for choices that have and are being made with heavy reliance upon God and His promises.

There was a time that I desperately needed that guidance and protection but that time has come and gone. Had my dad lived longer, there still may have been a need for some degree of such but the man is dead and I no longer have to live in the fear of what may happen to me or to those I care about. He is not the forefront of my thinking. I am not in constant survival mode trying to anticipate his next move. He is gone and I have refused to allow him to have any more power over my thoughts, my words, my life. He doesn't even cross my mind on a daily basis. I know that healing is a process and I feel like much healing has already occurred. My counselor both in the Tyler area and the one I've recently transferred to are in agreement with such.

I realize that the scars from the abuse that occurred on many levels will always be there and that some moments will be harder than others but I also realize that I am not nor was I ever simply an extension of my dad's twisted thinking and criminal behavior. He was involved with evil long before I came into his life and continued that path after I removed myself from his life. What he did, he chose to do and his accusations against me were just a mean and cowardly way of not accepting responsibility for his own behavior.

I am struggling emotionally right now but whatever issues I had with my dad and the others he allowed to hurt me are not at the forefront of this particular hard time. I don't need or want a care-taker or rescuer, outside of God but I welcome caring friends who show respect towards me and "hear" what I am saying rather than assuming they know what is on my heart without truly listening to my words.

I am not in need of reminders on what I've been through nor do I want to engage in verbal debates about the power of the past. I realize its power but I also realize that God is more powerful than any evil or good thing of this world and HIS truths are all that matters. I am no longer a victim or wounded so deeply that I'm limping through life. The wounds were deep and they were real but they are healing and they do not define who I am or who I will be.

Daily Gratitudes(28)

1. Surviving the first "walk-through observation" of the school year.

2. The relief of my evening appointment in Abilene being cancelled. I was not looking forward to the drive in the rainy weather.

3. The rescheduling of the appointment being on Saturday. Much easier than making an evening round trip and the extra available time feels like an extra blessing after these past several days.

4. The joy of beginning each work day welcomed by precious little hugs and great big smiles. I do believe I am blessed with the best job in the world.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(27)

1. Kindness of Bruner Auto employees as they helped with car issues.

2. That the car trouble was remedied by a new battery and was still under warranty.

3. Kelsie's kindness in transporting me around town despite the pouring rain.

4. Good, manageable report from Sheryl's doctor.

5. RAIN!!! May the drought be over.

6. Mrs. Cenicerious professional support in helping child with special needs beyond my scope of training.

6. Deidra's and Diane's prayerful support as life continues to move forward.

7. Advil PM :)

Monday, November 3, 2014

Mercies new every morning

This past weekend was incredibly hard. I am so grateful that I am aware that hormones will wreak havoc for a couple of days each month. I've learned to not make any major decisions during that span of time along with taking some supplements to balance out the extremes.

But even with that knowledge, I was caught way off guard by the intensity of emotions and the heaviness of the "darkness" over the past 3 days.

Barely above functioning at work on Friday accompanied with embarrassing moments of tears. Anxiety and exhaustion level on Saturday was just ridiculous and Sunday evening, I 'bottomed out'.

I absolutely HATE moments like those. I'm so glad that they have become fewer and farther between but I long for the day that such simply won't be an issue. I'm not certain that time will come this side of heaven but I still hope.

My stubbornness can usually counteract the 'issues' and though it's far from enjoyable, it is manageable. Manageable was not even on my radar. There was no escape of the overwhelming emotions, rapid-fire thoughts and mental images that wouldn't cease whether awake or asleep. I suspect that the depth of such was due to beginning such while still feeling wiped-out from the recent stomach virus.

I will never act on the thoughts of darkness that feel so suffocatingly tangible but I don't want the thoughts to even occur. It is frightening and maddening, especially when I've done all that I know to do and it doesn't seem like enough. Randy, once again, helped me through the darkness but I'm still inwardly screaming: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

A friend was telling me of some success she's seen through a new therapy called EMDR(?). After this last episode, it may very well be worth looking into.

On the upside, it has been well over 8 months since an occurrence and that is far better than the almost daily bouts only a few years back. So...there is hope and there will be more healing. I've just got to "Keep Breathing".  I put that song on repeat and placed the speaker under my pillow as sleep came and went through the night. Truly felt the mercies that are new every morning when my alarm went off and a new day was beginning.

Kerrie Roberts song

Daily Gratitudes(26)

1. A blogging buddy, Denise, sharing the song, "I Won't Let You Go" by Rascall Flatts and encouraging the listeners to view this through the lens of God's Love. It's always been difficult for me    to accept love from others because of deeply-felt shame and a myriad of fears. I'm grateful that God's love is all this and more. My continual prayer is that I'll be a giver of such love and a more gracious recipient.

2. For the PTO allowing each teacher to purchase $122.00 worth of books from the Scholastic Book Fair. I adore children's literature and it was fun choosing books without worrying about the cost.

3. Unexpected hugs in the hallway from students, outside of my classroom, throughout the day.

4. A good conversation with a students momma regarding behavioral expectations and realizing that we are both "on the same page."

5. Simply waking up this morning after a very "dark" time last night.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Daily Gratitudes(25)

1. Ingenuity of my 2 nephews making snow angels out of flour. Lol! You might live in Texas if...
2. My nieces success with her home ec "robot baby" assignment.
3. My momma's chicken and dumplings Yum!
4. Crisp cool day! Maybe fall truly is here.
5. Availability of resources to help me get through this painful "chapter" of life.
6. Encouraging friends and family.
7. Weekend "down-time"
8. Precious memories that remind me that life does offer many moments of beauty.