Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Change is sometimes necessary.

This has been a calm,  quiet nite with the sound of steady rain and much cooler temperatures. I realized tonight how disappointed I am at the realization that a friendship with someone I've known since childhood may need to seriously change. There isn't a need or even a desire for the relationship to end. But after several years of its fair amount of twists and turns, I do see how some changes are necessary. Necessary for the betterment of them and me. Seems like we've become stuck in roles that aren't as valid as they once were.

I felt a huge sense of relief the other day after briefly communicating with this person because they assured me that they truly knew where I was coming from but when we had the opportunity to talk longer, I realized that was a lovingly meant statement but it wasn't true.

There have been times in my life that I've needed those who loved me to pull blinders from my sight and kindly reprimand me if I was on the wrong track.

I will always welcome people into my life that help me see things clearly and encourage me to be and do better but I am no longer in need of surrogate parental figures who are too busy trying to protect me and feel as they have the right to reprimand me for choices that have and are being made with heavy reliance upon God and His promises.

There was a time that I desperately needed that guidance and protection but that time has come and gone. Had my dad lived longer, there still may have been a need for some degree of such but the man is dead and I no longer have to live in the fear of what may happen to me or to those I care about. He is not the forefront of my thinking. I am not in constant survival mode trying to anticipate his next move. He is gone and I have refused to allow him to have any more power over my thoughts, my words, my actions...my life. He doesn't even cross my mind on a daily basis. I know that healing is a process and I feel like much healing has already occurred. My counselor both in the Tyler area and the one I've recently transferred to are in agreement with such.

I realize that the scars from the abuse that occurred on many levels will always be there and that some moments will be harder than others but I also realize that I am not nor was I ever simply an extension of my dad's twisted thinking and criminal behavior. He was involved with evil long before I came into his life and continued that path after I removed myself from his life. What he did, he chose to do and his accusations against me were just a mean and cowardly way of not accepting responsibility for his own behavior.

I am struggling emotionally right now but whatever issues I had with my dad and the others he allowed to hurt me are not at the forefront of this particular hard time. I don't need or want a care-taker or rescuer, outside of God but I welcome caring friends who show respect towards me and "hear" what I am saying rather than assuming they know what is on my heart without truly listening to my words.

I am not in need of reminders on what I've been through nor do I want to engage in verbal debates about the power of the past. I realize its power but I also realize that God is more powerful than any evil or good thing of this world and HIS truths are all that matters. I am no longer a victim or wounded so deeply that I'm limping through life. The wounds were deep and they were real but they are healing and they do not define who I am or who I will be.

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