This past weekend was incredibly hard. I am so grateful that I am aware that hormones will wreak havoc for a couple of days each month. I've learned to not make any major decisions during that span of time along with taking some supplements to balance out the extremes.
But even with that knowledge, I was caught way off guard by the intensity of emotions and the heaviness of the "darkness" over the past 3 days.
Barely above functioning at work on Friday accompanied with embarrassing moments of tears. Anxiety and exhaustion level on Saturday was just ridiculous and Sunday evening, I 'bottomed out'.
I absolutely HATE moments like those. I'm so glad that they have become fewer and farther between but I long for the day that such simply won't be an issue. I'm not certain that time will come this side of heaven but I still hope.
My stubbornness can usually counteract the 'issues' and though it's far from enjoyable, it is manageable. Manageable was not even on my radar. There was no escape of the overwhelming emotions, rapid-fire thoughts and mental images that wouldn't cease whether awake or asleep. I suspect that the depth of such was due to beginning such while still feeling wiped-out from the recent stomach virus.
I will never act on the thoughts of darkness that feel so suffocatingly tangible but I don't want the thoughts to even occur. It is frightening and maddening, especially when I've done all that I know to do and it doesn't seem like enough. Randy, once again, helped me through the darkness but I'm still inwardly screaming: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
A friend was telling me of some success she's seen through a new therapy called EMDR(?). After this last episode, it may very well be worth looking into.
On the upside, it has been well over 8 months since an occurrence and that is far better than the almost daily bouts only a few years back. So...there is hope and there will be more healing. I've just got to "Keep Breathing". I put that song on repeat and placed the speaker under my pillow as sleep came and went through the night. Truly felt the mercies that are new every morning when my alarm went off and a new day was beginning.
Kerrie Roberts song