Thursday, February 26, 2015

Some Days(!!!)

Some days are entirely too long. Sick sick sick of this cold weather! Having  students cooped up all day with no outside play for days on end is not at all enjoyable. Having to bribe or accompany dogs outside is also not a pleasant thing.

One more week until Spring Break!! Yay!! I may be going with Amber to Tennessee. Sounds peaceful and fun. I'm definitely ready for fun!!

Met with my principal this afternoon. We had a good though awkward conversation. This past year will definitely go down as the.longest.year.EVER!

I know that all will work out in all things---just wish I knew how.

My brother and his kiddos are coming this weekend and THAT I am looking forward to.

Grateful that God's mercies are new every morning. Makes facing one more day much easier.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Yay for a Laptop!

For the past several months, I've kept up with this blog through my iPhone.  Not the most convenient and time savvy method but it was what it was.  I'm now able to access through my work server and the typing is sooooo much more convenient.

No cancellation of school today.  All but 2 students showed up and we also welcomed a new friend to our class.  I have 17 students and only 6 have what would be considered "traditional families". My heart breaks when I realize what some of these children have been through and/or are going through.  We have grandparents as guardians, aunts & uncles, single mothers, single fathers, some in the foster care system, a family with a "life-partner scenario".  No wonder these babies get confused when we read some of the books in our curriculum about families.

The weather is still yucky outside but only patches of ice.  If any more precipitation occurs, I imagine the roads will be worse in the morning and may cause a delay in the start of school. We were the ONLY school district in the surrounding area that did not either fully cancel or have a late start.  Getting out of bed was really hard this morning but the day has gone well.

The lawyer helped me adequately respond to husband's last email.  Each time that he and I communicate in one way or another, the more certain I am that I am absolutely on the "right track" and I thank God for those moments of true clarification.  I am determined to not engage in a bitter battle but man, it is hard to not respond in venom at some of the words he uses.

It's ironic that each time he states that he is not trying to be manipulative, the words that follow show that is his exact intention.  I find the lame threats irritating and infuriating---as if I have something to be ashamed of or want to keep hidden.  I am not the one who has 'hid' behind alcohol or some other form of addiction for the majority of my lifetime.  I am not the one who puts on pretenses for others and attempts to hide the "true me".

I have struggled with the demons of my past, have been swallowed up in the darkness of depression which included poor decisions based on the worthiness of living but I have been upfront and honest with the people in my life---prayer requests through congregations of believers, public support groups, personal counseling. I am not proud of each choice I have made along the way but I am proud of the perseverance I've shown and I will SHOUT OUT "my story" to anyone and everyone because I know in doing so that some one will feel less alone and that God will be glorified because HE has blessed me with so much more than I could have ever imagined and far more than I will ever deserve.

So if husband wants to "lay it all out on the table", bring it on.  I am no longer worried about what he thinks and I gave up the power to fear long ago.  I was hoping that the divorce wouldn't get ugly but if he chooses that path, he best be ready for some serious repercussions on what "all may come out".  Ridiculous!

I have been so tired today because I stayed up in prayers of thanksgiving last night for giving me the strength to leave a relationship/situation that was toxic to my very soul...for opening up doors of opportunity in my career and in new friendships...for being allowed to truly see what lies behind me and to have such hope for all that is to come.

I wouldn't give anything for the sense of peace that is slowly but surely taking up residence in the depths of my heart and soul.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Wonders of a Weekend

Once again, the weather has been crazy. Yesterday, I walked 1/2 a mile in short sleeves with ice water and today we are under a winter warning. Most surrounding school districts have already made decisions regarding late starts and cancellations for tomorrow but my district is hanging tough until 6 a.m. tomorrow. Sigh. I get the wisdom of such but knowing beforehand could possibly mean sleeping in. I'm in the minority here but I'd gladly give up the "no school" on Good Friday if we could have a day off tomorrow.

I had such plans for the weekend but what was in my agenda just didn't happen. Sheryl, Mom and I made an impromptu trip to Abilene yesterday. Unexpected fun is always a good thing. We ate dinner at Red Lobster and I got some great deals at Mardels.

Today's plans were thwarted when I allowed an unexpected email from husband to throw me off kilter. It wasn't totally unexpected and I'm surprised at how predictable his words and actions are. This time, my response didn't even have a hint of guilt or sadness. His words simply just TICKED ME OFF. His lack of respect, subtle attempts at manipulation and point blank stupid threats only serve to further convince me that I am doing exactly what I need to do and making it easier and easier to simply comply with my lawyers suggestions. He really needs to stop attempting to communicate with me directly because my only response will be--send it through your lawyer to my lawyer and whatever will be considered. Sigh, sigh and sigh. I know this is nearing the end of the process but aaarrrggghhh! Enough is enough. day, I would commit myself:

--to prayerfully present the relationship to God on a daily basis.

---to be honest and open in all conversations regardless of difficulty

---to speak and act in kind, respectful ways at all times, even if in disagreement

--to be encouraging and supportive of personal endeavors within legal and spiritual parameters

--to be faithful and loyal at all times and in all aspects of the relationship

--to allow myself to be vulnerable so that intimacy in the relationship may grow

--to show appreciation for all things

--to be financially responsible and trustworthy

--to grant forgiveness when needed and seek forgiveness when needed

--to truly listen with intent of understanding any and all topics

--to not be judgmental or critical

--to be tolerant and understanding of changes that will inevitably take place throughout life

--to share in the laughter and joy during times of happiness and to share in the tears and comfort during times of sorrow

--to create an environment of peace and comfort

--to not take for granted the blessings of a shared, reciprocal relationship

--to be trustworthy and discrete on all levels (physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially)

--to be an active participant in the experiences, adventures and challenges in life

--to commit to a lifetime of shared responsibilities and joy

--to enjoy having fun

--to trust, accept and submit to leadership choices made in accordance with Biblical standards

--to always view partner as a unique, loved, chosen child of God and treat one accordingly

--to make the relationship my top priority under my relationship with the Lord

--to place more importance on hopes than fears

--to be a "best friend" in conversation and activities

--to be a true partner in life physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually

--to invest time and energies to keep romance alive

--to enjoys sexuality and eagerly participate in such

--to treat all relationships that are important to my partner with thoughtfulness, respect and compassion

--to attempt new challenges and adventures

--to not depend solely on my partner to meet all needs

--to willingly do the necessary "work" to stay connected

--to be protective of the relationship

--to strive for spiritual, physical, emotional and mental fitness so that I can be the best me possible

--to stand by and stand up for partner when appropriate to do so

--to be supportive and respectful of healthy relationships outside of myself (recreationally, job-related, family)

--to realize that I am not perfect and am far above reproach

--to wholeheartedly attempt activities to be shared even if interests aren't identical

Friday, February 20, 2015

Maybe One Day...

A friend asked me the other day what I would be looking for in a relationship. That particular conversation began quite a thought process.

I would want someone who:

...will support and encourage me in my walk with God

...wouldn't mind attending church services with me spiritually-minded though not necessarily religiously oriented

...feels comfortable having conversations about Biblical insights with me.

...will be openly communicative even if it's uncomfortable or difficult.

...will be honest, open, and upfront based on mutual respect and loving-kindness.

...can be trusted with my all---my thoughts, my feelings, my body, my finances.

...will be an active participant in life.

...will seek out challenges, adventures, experiences that can be shared together.

...has healthy relationships with others, independent of me.

...enjoys having fun and is able to simply "play around and be silly".

...who has enough self-confidence to not put on a show and perform for others.

...bases decisions on hopes and faith rather than legalistic rules or fears.

...takes time to truly listen with an honest attempt to understand.

...can be in disagreement without launching a personal attack steeped in self-righteousness.

...doesn't belittle others to build themselves up.

...can share in the sense of calm, peace, and joy without underlying pessimism.

...will be my best friend---someone to talk to, laugh with, hang out, share ideas and hopes. trustworthy and strives to be above reproach both legally and ethically.

...doesn't RELY UPON  outside influences (alcohol, drugs, harmful activities, damaging
relationships) for a sense of self.

...wants to be a true partner in life physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

...someone that will walk along beside me rather than either of us trying to pull or push other one way or the other. Hand-in-hand, shoulder-to-shoulder through all things.

...enjoys his sexuality and eagerly participates in such.

...will stand by me at all times.

...will stand up for me when appropriate.

...will protect me in healthy, respectful ways.

...values our relationship enough to actively "work at" being connected and staying connected.

...realizes and supports the importance of relationships I share with my family.

...understands that teaching is both my profession, a hobby and a passion.

...shares in the enjoyment of children. humble and realizes that no one, including self, is above reproach.

...honors and values family-type relationships even if they are not "blood related". able to show empathy towards others within a healthy sense of boundaries.

...truly desires a shared life even though interests won't be identical.

...understands that I may be weak and infallible at times but encourages me to grow stronger and better every day. willing to give and accept forgiveness.

...will be a respectable leader in the relationship without being manipulative and controlling. tender-hearted yet tough. capable of being a group leader but also willing to be a team player. not easily angered. never physically abusive. appreciative of the "little things". gentle and affectionate.

...can see the potential in possibilities.

...honors confidences and treats private issues with discretion.

...can be charitable in their time, actions, and possessions.

...respects and supports the importance of spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental health. financially responsible and strives to be debt-free.

...supports/understands my "love" for animals, especially dogs and horses.

...enjoys outdoor activities such as but not limited to fishing, camping, four-wheeling, shooting, etc.

...appreciates sports but isn't a fanatic or unhealthily competitive.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Country roads, gunfire and starry nights

Shaky moments, both physically and emotionally, last night and throughout today. I must do whatever is necessary to build up my immune system. This business of catching every illness that comes through my classroom has gotten old along with the dreaded pay docks. Feeling so bad physically is definitely not helping out emotionally. But I have an action plan.

Plan #1: I was able to find a local physician and just need to return the paperwork. Ms. Rene said she would forward my medical records as soon as requested. Her office is the last one in Tyler to be replaced. Sad but relieving.

Plan #2: Get on a regular sleep schedule. So much easier said than done.

Plan #3: Me and a few other friends are joining together to complete the "From the Couch to a 5K in a matter of 6 weeks" program. With my back, foot and knee issues, running isn't an option at this time but walking is a can do and a will do. I'm grateful to be doing this with a small group of buddies because the accountability will do me good. Ordered new shoes tonight and will do the first 5K in June. Hesitatingly excited!!

I slept fitfully last night and even rolled right out of the bed TWICE(!!) My out-of-shape self felt the effects of that throughout the day. (Haha!) When I awakened during the night, I was so disoriented that it took me a few minutes to remember where I was. I was super glad to see the sun rise and praying that tonight will be much more restful.

Tears were threatening throughout the entire day and the downpour came as I drove home. My tendency to overthink ALL things can be both a blessing and a curse. The time spent with my students was good but those quiet, still moments were haunting.

The emotions felt while preparing a package to send of things I'd hoped to personally deliver was harder than I anticipated. The feelings in sending the final package of belongings back to Tyler also caught me off guard. Necessary but unpleasant tasks.

I told Amber and Sheryl last night that something had to give because I was wound up way too tight so Amber invited me to the shooting range with her and her husband tonight.

It's been YEARS since I've shot a gun and I was a lil' nervous because I've not been around Rob very much. Ended up having SO MUCH FUN!! The original plan was the shooting range but we ended up out in the country and shot around a pond. I think I may have found a new favorite hobby. I even loved the smell of the gunpowder! I was able to shoot a 9mm pistol and a 45 along with an AR-15 with a suppressor. The 45 was my least favorite. The AR-15 was AMAZING!! Loved it!! Rob got so tickled that he let me do two rounds of ammunition. So much fun and surprisingly therapeutic! I'm still not certain which type of gun I'd like to purchase but I now know it's on the must-do list.

Sitting around the pond reminded me how much I miss being out at the lake. I've no idea where I got my like for the outdoors from because I certainly didn't grow up around such but fishing, shooting, four-wheeling, and hanging out by a campfire could be a thing I'd easily enjoy every weekend. Hardest part is finding someone who likes the same. I'm not really a tomboy but I'm definitely not a girly-girl either. Praying that God will bring just the right people into this new chapter of life. I'm so blessed by the new opportunities but loneliness still runs deep after leaving 20 years of daily relationships behind.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Part 9: Borrowed Words...

"Nothing haunts us like the the things we don't say."

"Explain your anger. Don't express it. By doing so, you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments."

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." (---George Elliot)

"Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what others mean."

Part 8: Borrowed Words...

"If they're amazing, they won't be easy.
If they're easy, they won't be amazing.
If they're worth it, you won't give up.
If you give up, they're not worth it.
...Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you;
you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."

"Sometimes, we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens."

"Trusting God's plan for your every day life is equally as important as trusting God's plan for your eternal life."

"God shines through our broken places to give His light to everyone around."

"God is always faithful to answer.
Sometimes His answer is a much desired "yes".
Sometimes His answer is a merciful "no".
Sometimes His answer is a faith-building "not yet".
And sometimes...sometimes when an answer cannot be found,
His answer is simply "Trust Me."

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer."
---Corrie Ten Boom

Part 7: Borrowed Words...

"Everything is temporary, but love outlives us all." (---R. Queen)

"Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you are not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who's biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says 'I love you' and means it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning seeing you in wrinkles and your gray hair but still falls for you all over again."

"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future only He can see." (---Corrie Ten Boom)

"They say love is bind. I disagree.
Infatuation is blind.
Love is all seeing and accepting.
Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and accepting them.
Love is accepting the bad habits and mannerisms and working around them.
Love is recognizing all of the fears and insecurities and knowing your role is to comfort.
Love is working through all the challenges and painful times. 
Infatuation is fragile and will shatter when life is not perfect.
Love is strong and it strengthens because it is real."

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."
---Elizabeth Gilbert

"When I'm with you, I act different.
In a good way.
I smile more and laugh more. 
I don't have to pretend everything is okay when it's really not.
With you, I can drop the fake smile and put on a real one. 
I don't feel hurt and alone when I'm with you, instead it feel safe and loved. 
You're easy to talk to and you listen to me.
I don't have to worry about holding back with you. 
I don't feel self-conscious.
I don't feel insecure or sad.
You show me that you really do care and you're not just pretending. 
I really appreciate your company, because with you, I'm different.
With you, I'm happy."

Part 6: Borrowed Words...

"Every day you wait is another day that you will never get back again. 

The most important thing is not to be bitter about life's disappointments. 

Learn to let go of the past. 

Don't be afraid to make mistakes because most of the time, the greatest rewards coming from doing the things that scare you the most. 

Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. 

Who knows where life can take you?

The road is long and in the end the journey is your destination."

"Sometimes strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."

"HOPE is the only thing stronger than FEAR."

"May your choices reflect your HOPES, not your fears."
---Nelson Mandela

"If you love something, love it completely. 
Cherish it. 
Say it. 
But most importantly, show it.
Life is finite and fragile. 
Just because something is there one day, 
it might not be there the next. 
Never take that for granted."

"Say what you need to say, 
then say a little more. 
Say too much. 
Show too much. 
Love too much."

Part 5: Borrowed Words...

"Just as we don't move without first sorting through what we've gathered through the years, throwing away what is broken and can't be fixed, and what no longer fits, so too, should we do the same with what we've mentally gathered, before we move on. So let us do our sorting, throwing away regrets and old hurts, and taking for our journey only the treasures worth keeping: the lessons, the love, the best of what we've lived."
---Sandra Kring

Dalai Lama: "There are only 2 days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live." 

"Love is a meeting of 2 souls, fully accepting the dark and the light within each other, bound by the courage to grow through struggle into bliss." ---unknown 

"God is up to something. There is a reason why you went through what you went through. Trust the process. He's got you."

"Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we're waiting for."
---Charles Stanley

"The Lord will work out His plan for my life---for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
Psam 138:8

"FAITH isn't believing everything will turn out great. It's BELIEVING God knows what He's doing even when it doesn't."

"It doesn't really matter who I used to be. All that matters is who I have become."

Part 4: Borrowed Words...

"Life had broken her, just as it had broken him. But when they got together, their pieces became whole. And they continued on their journey, together, mended as one..."
---Steve Maraboli

"For a seed to achieve to its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction."
---Cynthia Occeli

"If you love someone, tell them because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken."

It's never too late to...
---start over
---chase your dreams
---create healthy relationships
---understand God's Power
---change your ways
---be positive
---accept The Lord
---make a difference
---forgive the person who hurt you
---learn something new
---do what you've always wanted to do
---say "I'm sorry"
---be inspired
---begin again
---Put your past in the past.

"Prayer is asking God to align you with HIS WILL rather than asking Him to be aligned with yours."

"Lord, if it's not Your will, let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace to not worry about it."
---Tony A. Gaskins, Jr.

Part 3: Borrowed Words...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do things which you think cannot do." 
---Eleanor Roosevelt

"The reality is you will grieve forever. 
You will not get over the loss of a loved one; 
you will learn to live with it. 
You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. 
You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. 
Nor should you be the same nor should you want to."
---Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"Speak the truth even if your voice shakes."

The Simple Life
Wanna meet up...invite.
Wanna be understood...explain.
Have questions...ask.
Don't like something...say it nicely.
Like something...declare it. 
Want something...ask for it.
Stressed...let go.
Love someone...say it.

Part 2: Borrowed Words...


A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet---a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before.

As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong, and complex that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone else prior.

This person understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness, and happiness when you are around them.

And when you are not around them, you are all that much aware of the harshness of life and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will ever experience in this lifetime.

You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life because you have been given a great gift and you will always be thankful.


"I want a best friend I can sleep with, make love to, travel with, shop with, dream with and live with. 

I want a partner in crime, a life partner. Someone that I can laugh with and build with. Somebody that I can trust with my heart, my money, and my life. 

Somebody I'm not afraid to love because I know they'll always be there. 

Relationships just aren't for me but a PARTNERSHIP I'll take."

PART 1: Borrowed Words that Speak to My Heart and Could Easily Have Been Spoken from My Heart


Of the billions of people on the planet, it is no accident that you and I were brought together to  affect each other's lives. 

From the familiar strangeness of meeting came an invisible bonding. 

You have heard me when no one else took time to listen. 

You have seen me when no one took the time to find me. 

You made it safe for the child in me to dance my dance and sing my song...
in my own unique rhythm and rhyme.

The history we have together can never be erased by time nor distance. 

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."

"Be okay with not knowing for sure what might come next but know that whatever it is, you will be okay."

Monday, February 16, 2015

Increased Peace

Today was an odd day. Students had the day off and I attended inservice meetings for the most of the day. The day went much quicker than anticipated.

The allotted time to simply sit still and listen was good. I was able to think clearly about several things. I made some definite plans for the remainder of the school year along with some personal decisions. I'm feeling an increased sense of peace each day and I'm so grateful.

I was able to type up a 3 page letter to husband. I'm not yet certain whether I'll send it or not but seeing my thoughts in black and white were helpful to me. It's strange that what once was such a valued friendship has dissipated down to only words on a page.

I hesitate to communicate through writing because I found out the hard way how words in a letter, an email or a text can be misconstrued. The danger lies in the reader placing their own tone in the writings and messages are received that were never intended on being accepted as they were. I won't make that mistake again. Texts, emails and such are best suited for frivolous thoughts and factual information. Any "serious" conversation will be heard not read.

Compiling the requests from the lawyer have been exhausting. I know God has His hand on this process but the length of time it has taken leaves me weary. I know the hurt won't simply disappear at the final declaration but I am praying that the sense of closure will be a significant step in the healing process.

Spring Break is coming soon. I thought about meeting a friend in Searcy but it would be too hard to be there knowing that TLS doesn't care to see me so contemplating other plans. Maybe Oklahoma? Maybe time with Leslie and Teresa will work out. I'd also love to see Keith and Vickie and possibly Randy but going to Greenville isn't at all appealing. I'd also love to spend some time with Susan but Tyler isn't much more appealing. Maybe I'll just stay home and explore this area. Decisions, decisions...

My finances may greatly alter any plans so I best just take it one day at a time.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Heavy Heart Yet Filled With Hope

Once again, it's that hormonal time so I know that's a factor in my thoughts and feelings. I'm spending the day preparing the requested paperwork for my lawyer. The task, in and of itself, is easy enough but mentally/emotionally, it's exhausting.

The realization of how truly self-centered one can be is both angering and saddening. I knew this to be true for quite a long time but the depth of that reality has me feeling quite foolish. The manipulations that now seem so clear break my heart.

But despite the sigh-filled heavy heart, I am filled with hope. I'm grateful for supportive people who saw the truth far before I did and continue to encourage and support me in immeasurable ways. I AM TRULY BLESSED!

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Yay for a "normal" Saturday!

The weather for the past few months has been crazy. Dressed in layers earlier this week with a hoodie on my head and spent today in short sleeves flying a kite at the park. Snow is in the forecast for Tuesday! cRaZeE!!!

Today has been the most normal-feeling Saturday since I've moved.
Slept in a bit.
Completed some household tasks.
Enjoyed the pups out in the backyard.
Fixed a simple lunch.
Did some paperwork.
Accompanied by mom, sister and her boys to the "duck park" and enjoyed a family-friendly movie with them this evening.

Valentine's Day has never been a big deal so it was just another day.

Praying that tomorrow goes just as smoothly.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

And it continues...

I'm not sure if this a good thing or a bad thing but Texas laws sure seem to have a way of making a divorce drag on and on and on. A friend in another state and her husband split up after me and my husband and the woman is getting remarried this weekend(!!) Yet I now have to wait another 30 days for paperwork then ?!?

I'm tired.
I'm weary.
I'm done.
It is time to MOVE ON.

I told my lawyer that I had 2 requirements:
(1.) this is in no way to become a vindictive process
(2.) ALL decisions made were to above reproach legally and ethically.

I then requested her to not tell me anything specific that is being done because I want to be able to honestly say "I don't know or I'm not sure. You'll need to contact my lawyer. She is looking out for my best interests as I'm certain your lawyer is doing for you."

I need this to be over. is what it is and life goes on.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Feeling a lot stupid BUT even more grateful


Within the past 2 days, I've discovered that I'm now a classic victim of a con-artist/criminal scheme. I'm usually much more aware of these types of things due to long ago experiences growing up with a criminally-minded-and-active father but...totally missed this one.
Basically boils down to being in a minor fender bender which didn't even leave a mark on my car---not even the unsettling of accumulated dust. The other driver SEEMED nice enough. This occurred the week that I was so very sick with the double flu attack so I'm gonna place a bit of the blame there(!!)

I wasn't really sure who was at fault and honestly didn't care. It was so minor. I was so sick and with all else going on in my life, this was a small fish to fry. I did everything that I KNOW one is not to do. I didn't call the police. I didn't take photographs of the cars. I didn't immediately contact my insurance...AND BY FAR THE DUMBEST THING I DID was to let this man into my house a week later after he unexpectedly showed up at my front door. (Have I already mentioned the word STUPID!!!)

Nothing too uncomfortable occurred until he was leaving and then it was only a simple comment. I mentioned this to a friend who had access to personal records. This dude has a police record over 10 pages long(!!!) Charges (which were all found guilty) varied from multiple DUIs, theft, insurance fraud, forgery, and physical assault.
Upon this revelation, I contacted the insurance company. He claimed MUCH more damage than was even feasible and thankfully, they caught that but they still paid out a ridiculous amount.

By the end of this next weekend. I will have much more secure doors at my house and pepper spray.
And may God help the next person who misconstrues my kindness and friendliness.

I am through with any amount of anything being spent on total and complete jackasses.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Unexpected Happenings

This past week has been A myriad of activities and emotions. So thankful for the weekend break. I feel as if I've gone non-stop all week but haven't accomplished much so my to-do list is quite lengthy. I know I need to prioritize the agenda because accomplishing all isn't likely.

Well, the weekend was nothing as is planned. Lazy, pajama day on Saturday and Sunday, a migraine kept me pretty much confined to bed. Ugh.

The week is off to a good start. For the 1st time in a month, all but 1 student were at school today. Hoping that means this horrendous onset of illnesses are behind us all. I had my annual observation today. I knew it was coming but really didn't think it would be today. Hard to tell how it went since I had a new appraiser and appraisal system.

I am meeting with my lawyer tomorrow. I haven't seen or even talked with her since asking her to file papers. Texas' divorce guidelines are a long drawn out process. 60 days after filing before the judge will even accept information. I'm ready for this to be done. Husband is being all friendly right now but I've a feeling that it's simply the calm before the storm. Time will tell.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Shredded But Healing Heart

I kind of lost track of recording my daily gratitude list while recuperating from the triple whammy illness of 2 flu viruses and a separate upper respiratory infection. Blugh! What a miserable 10 days! 

Returning to work this past week was crazy hectic trying to catch up on the mandated assessments along with every day including at least one child getting sick while at school. Poor kiddos! These nasty germs need to move elsewhere. I'm going up to the classroom tomorrow and doing done deep Lysol cleaning. Apparently, the custodian-used products are not working(!!)

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. Being sick and extremely tired have led to emotional chaos and mind numbing fatigue. I'm so grateful for the friends and family that bless me with their support, advice and willingness to speak truth even when it's hard to hear. 

The 60th day from legally filing for divorce has FINALLY come. I haven't heard from my lawyer since our initial meeting. Planning to call on Monday to get an idea of what to expect. This is never what I wanted or even imagined but it is what it is and it's time to move forward. The unknown is far more daunting than the reality. 

I was thinking about how difficult these past several months have been along with how many unexpected blessings have come my way. I was talking to Keith and Vickie a couple of weeks ago. They have been such a HUGE blessing to me since at least my 6th grade year. Keith brought me to tears by telling me that I was the strongest, bravest person he's ever known and how he prays regularly that I will truly see what all I've been able to overcome and  what a miracle it is that my life is functional, productive and beneficial. My counselor, Gwen, from Tyler and the new one, Linda, both expressed the same within 3 days of each other. Those words soothed my hurting heart. Were it not for the grace of God...

I miss David so much that even to speak his name brings a catch to my throat and tears threatening to fall. He always guided me to God and always had such profound words of wisdom. His ability to truly "see me" was always welcome. Oh, how I wish I had heeded his wisdom on things I insisted he knew nothing about. He did know. He did understand. And despite my argumentative stubborn self, he stayed by my side and never reprimanded with an "I told you so..." or an "If you'd only listened..."

Had I heeded his advice, things would have been so much different with all the crap with the Holloway family, the relationship with Tommy, some choices I faced after college and certainly in how my marriage became and ended. 

I would give anything to be held in a comforting hug by Dave one more time. I'm so thankful that God brought Dave to my life when I was on young girl and for the many years of his friendship that I'll never regret. 

It's strange having my heart broken simultaneously by 3 different occurrences/situations/people. 

Broken is an understatement. Shattered comes to mind but the term shredded is a better fit. 

The betrayal I felt by some at Bullard was immensely hurtful. The turn and eventual end to my marriage has hurt deeper than I ever imagined. The rejection of one who for years presented nothing but hope and acceptance is indescribable. I know from much experience that each loss leads to valuable life lessons. My prayer is that God will enable me to see and implement whatever lessons are available. 

I know that God is willing  and capable to make all things new...turn beauty from ashes. This is the hope that makes continuing to breathe possible.