Sunday, February 1, 2015

Shredded But Healing Heart

I kind of lost track of recording my daily gratitude list while recuperating from the triple whammy illness of 2 flu viruses and a separate upper respiratory infection. Blugh! What a miserable 10 days! 

Returning to work this past week was crazy hectic trying to catch up on the mandated assessments along with every day including at least one child getting sick while at school. Poor kiddos! These nasty germs need to move elsewhere. I'm going up to the classroom tomorrow and doing done deep Lysol cleaning. Apparently, the custodian-used products are not working(!!)

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. Being sick and extremely tired have led to emotional chaos and mind numbing fatigue. I'm so grateful for the friends and family that bless me with their support, advice and willingness to speak truth even when it's hard to hear. 

The 60th day from legally filing for divorce has FINALLY come. I haven't heard from my lawyer since our initial meeting. Planning to call on Monday to get an idea of what to expect. This is never what I wanted or even imagined but it is what it is and it's time to move forward. The unknown is far more daunting than the reality. 

I was thinking about how difficult these past several months have been along with how many unexpected blessings have come my way. I was talking to Keith and Vickie a couple of weeks ago. They have been such a HUGE blessing to me since at least my 6th grade year. Keith brought me to tears by telling me that I was the strongest, bravest person he's ever known and how he prays regularly that I will truly see what all I've been able to overcome and  what a miracle it is that my life is functional, productive and beneficial. My counselor, Gwen, from Tyler and the new one, Linda, both expressed the same within 3 days of each other. Those words soothed my hurting heart. Were it not for the grace of God...

I miss David so much that even to speak his name brings a catch to my throat and tears threatening to fall. He always guided me to God and always had such profound words of wisdom. His ability to truly "see me" was always welcome. Oh, how I wish I had heeded his wisdom on things I insisted he knew nothing about. He did know. He did understand. And despite my argumentative stubborn self, he stayed by my side and never reprimanded with an "I told you so..." or an "If you'd only listened..."

Had I heeded his advice, things would have been so much different with all the crap with the Holloway family, the relationship with Tommy, some choices I faced after college and certainly in how my marriage became and ended. 

I would give anything to be held in a comforting hug by Dave one more time. I'm so thankful that God brought Dave to my life when I was on young girl and for the many years of his friendship that I'll never regret. 

It's strange having my heart broken simultaneously by 3 different occurrences/situations/people. 

Broken is an understatement. Shattered comes to mind but the term shredded is a better fit. 

The betrayal I felt by some at Bullard was immensely hurtful. The turn and eventual end to my marriage has hurt deeper than I ever imagined. The rejection of one who for years presented nothing but hope and acceptance is indescribable. I know from much experience that each loss leads to valuable life lessons. My prayer is that God will enable me to see and implement whatever lessons are available. 

I know that God is willing  and capable to make all things new...turn beauty from ashes. This is the hope that makes continuing to breathe possible. 

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