Monday, February 23, 2015

Yay for a Laptop!

For the past several months, I've kept up with this blog through my iPhone.  Not the most convenient and time savvy method but it was what it was.  I'm now able to access through my work server and the typing is sooooo much more convenient.

No cancellation of school today.  All but 2 students showed up and we also welcomed a new friend to our class.  I have 17 students and only 6 have what would be considered "traditional families". My heart breaks when I realize what some of these children have been through and/or are going through.  We have grandparents as guardians, aunts & uncles, single mothers, single fathers, some in the foster care system, a family with a "life-partner scenario".  No wonder these babies get confused when we read some of the books in our curriculum about families.

The weather is still yucky outside but only patches of ice.  If any more precipitation occurs, I imagine the roads will be worse in the morning and may cause a delay in the start of school. We were the ONLY school district in the surrounding area that did not either fully cancel or have a late start.  Getting out of bed was really hard this morning but the day has gone well.

The lawyer helped me adequately respond to husband's last email.  Each time that he and I communicate in one way or another, the more certain I am that I am absolutely on the "right track" and I thank God for those moments of true clarification.  I am determined to not engage in a bitter battle but man, it is hard to not respond in venom at some of the words he uses.

It's ironic that each time he states that he is not trying to be manipulative, the words that follow show that is his exact intention.  I find the lame threats irritating and infuriating---as if I have something to be ashamed of or want to keep hidden.  I am not the one who has 'hid' behind alcohol or some other form of addiction for the majority of my lifetime.  I am not the one who puts on pretenses for others and attempts to hide the "true me".

I have struggled with the demons of my past, have been swallowed up in the darkness of depression which included poor decisions based on the worthiness of living but I have been upfront and honest with the people in my life---prayer requests through congregations of believers, public support groups, personal counseling. I am not proud of each choice I have made along the way but I am proud of the perseverance I've shown and I will SHOUT OUT "my story" to anyone and everyone because I know in doing so that some one will feel less alone and that God will be glorified because HE has blessed me with so much more than I could have ever imagined and far more than I will ever deserve.

So if husband wants to "lay it all out on the table", bring it on.  I am no longer worried about what he thinks and I gave up the power to fear long ago.  I was hoping that the divorce wouldn't get ugly but if he chooses that path, he best be ready for some serious repercussions on what "all may come out".  Ridiculous!

I have been so tired today because I stayed up in prayers of thanksgiving last night for giving me the strength to leave a relationship/situation that was toxic to my very soul...for opening up doors of opportunity in my career and in new friendships...for being allowed to truly see what lies behind me and to have such hope for all that is to come.

I wouldn't give anything for the sense of peace that is slowly but surely taking up residence in the depths of my heart and soul.

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