Friday, March 27, 2015

Daily Gratitudes (from past week)

1. Evening movie with family and friends
2. Walking and talking with Rhyder
3. Randy's encouragement and support

1. Visiting potential home for Josie
2. Momma accompanying me to the potential home
3. Sonic ice

1. Sweetness of my students
2. Appreciation expressed by classroom families
3. Enjoyable conversation with Deidra
4. Surprise candy bar treat from Elva

1. All requested papers prepared for lawyer
2. Spending time with Kaeden after school
3. Enjoyable dinner and evening at Sheryl's
4. Seemingly good walk-through observation by Jenny

1. Pay day!!
2. Pedi with Amber and Sheryl
3. Good conference conversation with a room mother

1. Deidra's loving-kindness
2. Sheryl's supportive hugs and prayers
3. Opportunity for afternoon naps.

1. Saltine Crackers and Crushed ice
2. Sunny day so dogs could stay outside
3. Mitch's safe travels home

Germs, Germs, GO AWAY!!

Waking up at close to 4 this morning with an obvious stomach virus accompanied by fever was actually relieving in that it helped to make sense of yesterday. I keep praying for a stronger immune system but the PreK class germs keep catching me. Frustrating and job-threatening.

Regardless of job outcome, I am at peace knowing that I've done my absolute best this year in not allowing personal drama effect work attendance. Pray that those in authority do believe such but that's out of my control. 16 days of absences is ridiculous but it is what it is. The classroom has always been my place of productivity; the most comfortable societal place and the place my self-confidence is in tact for the most part. If I am capable of being there and adequately functioning, that's one of my favorite places to be. I wouldn't choose a day to simply be at home.

Despite saltine crackers being my best buddies today, the day of rest has been beneficial. I long for the day that the days of rest are chosen and not forced by some form of minor illness.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Un-Expected Q and A. (sigh)

Today has been hard. From the start of the alarm clock, nothing was naturally falling into place. I didn't want to get out of bed so my repeated hit of the snooze button caused some rushing around. Thursday is the day I pick up Kaed for school. He was running behind schedule so lost a lil' more time. I hit the ground running the minute I walked into the school building doors and I was never able to establish a groove for the day. Thankfully, my students were able to just go with the flow and the non-routine day went well even though I couldn't get out of there fast enough when that 3:30 bell rang.

Exhausted and emotional would be an understatement. The plan of the evening was to get Kaed after school, go to Walmart and spend the evening on lessons for next week but plans don't always pan out.

Kaeden was filled with questions about Uncle Wayne, along with Bailey and Bela. By the time I was through with his impromptu Q and A, all thoughts were mush, and any remaining energy was gone. Dropped him off, began bawling in a way that hasn't occurred in a while and came home and crawled into bed. Sleep is always refreshing. I ended up sleeping 5 hours straight and now it's almost midnight and I'm still going strong despite the 5:30 alarm looming in the near future.

Sigh. Folks that have "been here before" assure me that these un-timely bouts of emotional chaos are  part of the normal course of healing. I can attest that they are coming fewer and farther between but I'd prefer that they didn't occur at all(!!).

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Being an Adult ;)

Lacking all motivation today. There is a cute picture going around Facebook with a chubby puppy flat on his belly with all four legs spread out and chin touching floor that's titled "I don't wanna adult today."

Perfect visual description of me today. I have much to do today but the only thing I really want to do is sit outside in the sunshine, listen to some upbeat music and read or go downtown to the carnival fun for the "Annual Rattlesnake Round-Up". Lol!! Gotta love Texas---we'll find any excuse to have carnival food and a Ferris wheel put up in a parking lot. 

But my agenda consists of a necessary Walmart trip, some past due house cleaning and hopefully, delivering my puppy-love, Josie to a new home now that's she's healthy and better trained. Love helping to rehab pups but man, it can be hard to let them go. Josie needs much more attention than I can give her and this potential home sounds like a good match. I'm concerned about how Jacks will initially react to being an only dog but I think he'll adjust well. 

Well...didn't do anything I felt that I must do or anything I originally had wanted to do. Josie did make it to her new home and it seemed like a good fit. Time will tell. I was concerned about Jacks grieving his puppy pal but silly boy has eaten twice his normal amount of food. He even dragged his kennel blanket up to the couch that Josie rarely allowed his presence. 

Spent the evening over at my sister's house and she helped me to realize why this past week, in particular, has been so hard. I'm thankful for her kind heart, willingness to listen and her abilities to discern 'what really is happening'.

Burdens of the Unexpected

This past week has been difficult but I'm not sure why. I'm thinking it was a culmination of recovering from strep, rainy days, monthly hormones and the disappointment of how the Spring Break turned out.

There were some tough moments with behavioral and family concerns with my students. Every year, I promise myself better boundaries with these babies but that's next to impossible. They become a part of my heart and I can't stand to see them hurting; especially in circumstances that they have no control over. The 4 students that are in foster care are even more endearing because I so want them to know that while they are at school, they are safe and that they are dearly loved no matter what.

I'm not depressed or feeling hopeless but there has been a prevalent and steady sense of sadness all week. I know there's no steady incline or decline in the grieving process but I certainly wish that there was a definitive ending point. Returning items to their respective owners this week was far more emotionally-reactive than I'd imagined.

I never would have thought that going with friends to see the new "Cinderella" movie this evening, would have led to an anxiety attack. Thankfully, I was able to discretely leave the theater without disturbing any one else's evening. They, of course, realized I got up and left but I didn't offer an explanation other than I began to not feel well. I walked the parking lot in the misting rain and talked with Randy until I got a grip on my breathing. Embarrassing but just part of this current journey.

I must figure out a way to let go of the intense shame and stupidity I feel for having lived so much of my life allowing others to abuse, control and manipulate me. That sense of shame feels absolutely crushing on some days, thus making it very difficult to engage in social situations. I know that as long as there is breath, there is healing and hope. My continual prayer is that it's not too late to live/lead the life I've always dreamed of, prayed for and imagined.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Daily Gratitudes (from the past week):

DAILY GRATITUDES (for the past week):

1. Availability of a caring health clinic. I must find a primary care physician soon.
2. Steroid shot! Yay!!
3. John and Kyle coming over and taking care of yard.
4. Elizabeth making JV Cheer!! I'm such a proud aunt. Can't wait to see her perform.
5. Easy connections with lifelong friends thru Facebook. So blessed!
6. Two more days before returning to work.

1. Balancing the checkbook the FIRST TIME!!
2. Pharmacy having meds ready 1st thing this morning so to get better ASAP.
3. Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.
4. Beautiful sunny day.
5. Enjoying a new book. (If You're Going to Walk on John Ortberg).

1. Feeling better.
2. Beautiful day!
3. Having the energy to clean house a bit.
4. My mom's help with my laundry.
5. Finding a groomer that is reasonably priced.

1. Throat lozenges and codeine-based cough syrup
2. W. taking time to mail medical refund check. Every lil' bit helps right now.
3. Sheryl's humor at Kaed's upcoming Science Fair Project. She is such a good momma.
4. Emotional support from Amber and Sheryl when I'm 'falling apart'.
5. The cuteness if Elizabeth's new haircut. Beautiful girl inside and out!

1. Cuteness of kids over the silliness of leprechauns.
2. Sheryl bringing me crushed ice to soothe my throat throughout the day.
3. FINALLY having a successful trip up to the post office
4. Groomer's kindness at my rescheduling appointment for pups.

1. Linda's understanding at my appointment cancellation.
2. Kind sentiment expressed by Amber
3. Finally feeling effects from meds

1. Safety and health of Kelsey and baby Weston after a delivery scare.
2. Students' giggles jumping in puddles.
3.  Opportunity to meet and visit with Sheryl's friend, Beth
4. Kaeden's company before and after school.

1. Potential home for Josie
2. Amber "popping by" the classroom to say hello.
3. Sheryl and Momma bringing me a surprise lunch of pizza and a drink.
4. Rain so desperately needed.
5. Kindness and encouragement from Kimber.
6. Compliments from the parents of my students
7. Thoughtfulness and prayerful encouragement from Michelle in the payroll office
8. Opportunity to spend evening with my momma and the boys

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Memories and Wishes...

...all wrapped up in a simple song.

Garth Brooks:Somewhere Other Than the Night

Sunday, March 15, 2015

A Week that was Nothing as Planned.

Today has been an odd day. My mind has a long to-do-list but my body is not cooperating. I'm grateful antibiotics are kicking in and that my voice is finally above a whisper but still feel frustrated. I had a burst of energy and was able to get the living room and kitchen cleaned up.

This wasn't the Spring Break I had hoped for or planned but that's just how it goes sometimes. I was able to get quite a few things accomplished. I didn't get to the "fun stuff" on my agenda but am so grateful that this yucky bout with strep didn't cause any more absences from work. I know that God has all under control so I'm trying not to worry about the job situation but that's easier said than done.

I was able to get 2 pairs of athletic shoes and only have a few more pieces to figure out before the exercise bike is put together. I was able to put enough money back to get a "real bicycle" and am just waiting for an available evening with someone who has a SUV or truck. I'm behind on the "couch to 5k" schedule but not so far, that the goal is unattainable. The health food store has ordered some of the recommended supplements; the paperwork was completed at what I hope to be my new physician's office; I met with a personal trainer that I think will be financially feasible after the next paycheck; the frig is packed with healthy choices and I WILL begin the exercise program tomorrow rain or shine. And I'm already down 5+ pounds. That's a start!

All packages are finally set and ready for the post office. I'm thankful for the graciousness of friends in Tyler who easily forgave me for carrying some of their things with me in the moving boxes. (Oops!!) All of husband's belongings are set and ready to go which is incredibly freeing. And I have found a lot of comfort and relief in knowing that I've left nothing unsaid or undone in regards to another situation. I can only do what God has put on my heart to do and keep moving forward. Now to just get to the post office when the blasted thing is still open.

I'm not as well prepared for the upcoming work week but will get to campus extra early tomorrow and remedy that.

Since Spring Break didn't go as planned, my bucket list for summer has already begun. When life hands you lemons... ;)

Thursday, March 12, 2015


Lying here tonight in tears of absolute frustration! Looks like I'll be making a trip to the health clinic in the early a.m. I am beyond ready to kick my immune system smack-dab in the butt! I'm on a regular sleep schedule, taking multivitamins, being more active, eating better but still seem to be catching whatever "bug" passes by. I realize the stress of the past year has taken a toll but c'mon, body...COOPERATE with my mind!!

My throat began hurting on Tuesday. My first thought was strep but then I dismissed that because I haven't been knowingly exposed to strep and it's been quite a while since I've had that particular illness. I used to have it so often that I can successfully swab my own throat now for a culture test. Sigh. The soreness didn't seem to be as extreme as in the past so figured it was either allergy related or part of a simple cold.

I've been gargling with hot salt water, using listerine and taking Advil regularly but this evening, the soreness has greatly increased. BOO!! I was supposed to buy a bicycle tonight and the boys were coming over for a sleepover before our trip to the zoo tomorrow. But instead, the evening was spent at CiCi's pizza with forced interaction accompanied by a huge wave of sadness when a large group of guys came in all dressed in Army fatigues.

So now, here I lay feeling incredibly tired but hurting too much to sleep with the boys at their home and my participation on the zoo trip in question. I'm thankful that at least I'm off work and should be back to 100% by Monday but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Whine, rant, complain.
This IS a "little thing" and for that I AM grateful.

Daily Gratitudes


Monday, March 9th
1. New bed was delivered! I'll never again take a good nights sleep for granted.
2. My mom spending the day helping me with all kinds of things around the house.
3. Sheryl and the boys coming over in the evening.
4. Mitch's safe travels back to work.

1. Waking up to the sun peering through the windows.
2. Ability to meet all financial obligations this month.
3. Quiet day at home catching up on paperwork and such.
4. Two new pair of athletic shoes. Looking forward to the training for my first 5K.

1. Cuddling with Rhyder
2. Kaeden and I spending time together while choosing items for "the boys room" at my house.
3. Momma going grocery shopping with me.
4. My fun-loving puppy dogs.
5. Plans to meet Leslie on Saturday in Granbury

1. Beautiful sunny day!
2. Relaxing day at home
3. Fun evening with Sheryl and boys
4. Plans for a fun day in Waco tomorrow

Monday, March 9, 2015

Hmmm...I just might be a "Redneck Girl" ;)

While talking to a couple of girl friends about what we'd most like to do. I shared the following. My buddies lovingly teased that I just may be a redneck girl. Hmmmpppfff...wondering if that's a good thing or not. (!?!)

My "ideal weekend" would consist of sunny days with good people who like to have fun, are able to be silly and some time spent grilling, four-wheeling, shooting, fishing, and possibly swimming/floating with star-filled nights that would include a big camp fire, tailgates down, good music (which MUST include something by Jimmy Buffet) and a truck bed filled with pillows and plush blankets to stargaze.

Praying that The Lord will allow someone special in my life who would enjoy such a time of, as well as a fun dinner out and overnight hotel stays while traveling to places filled with adventure and new experiences.

I'm so very grateful for this 2nd chance at life and I'm ready to truly start "living".

Sunday, March 8, 2015


I doubt I'll ever understand, on this side of heaven, why things happen the way they do. 

The questions range from the small daily details of life all the way to issues of literal life and death. 

Today my mind has been centered upon the unfairness of those suffering through serious health concerns and the impending death of loved ones. There is so much pain and suffering in the world. I haven't any idea on how people survive day to day without God. 

I spent some time last week with the mother of a son who chose to be a soldier so that he would be able to go to college but ended up being physically and emotionally injured while stationed in Iraq and now will never be able to live without assisted care. This was a lady with an obviously strong faith. I regret not asking her name but I will be in prayer for "her boy, Sean" daily along with the rest of those in service to our country. 

I had a school conference last week with a well-respected family who is being torn apart by the anger and uncertainty of living with one who suffers from a bipolar disorder. And another family who is slowly but surely being destroyed by the power of addiction.

Heartbreaking scenarios in which I can only comfort, listen, love and pray.  I am so grateful that God IS aware of all and DOES have all under control even when it seems like all has gone crazy. 

Nice start to "Spring Break"

Today has been a wonderfully relaxing declared "pajama day". I have done absolutely nothing but watch TV and play with the dogs. Perfect start to what I hope will be a productive yet restful "Spring Break". 

The only solid plans are to drive into DFW to spend the day and possibly night with Leslie. I'm sure that something fun will include Kaed and Rhyder but I'm not sure what or when. Also, hoping to have the opportunity to visit with Diane, Amber and Andrea during the week. And of course, some time will have to be spent up in my classroom so to finish this semester as well as I can. 

I was disappointed that the plans to go to Searcy to meet up with a friend that lives in the NorthEast had to be cancelled but was probably for the best. It's strange to me how the place I lived for the shortest amount of time in my life is the place that seems more like home. I'm assuming that is due to my time there was the first time I wasn't identified as Doug's daughter and I could simply be my self there which was flat out dangerous while in Greenville and not well received in Tyler. I also know that had I met Jenny there, it would have been hard to be there knowing that I couldn't see TLS. 

My list of wanna-do-things over the break is surprisingly long. My mom is coming over tomorrow after church to help me with the house. The neighbors grandson is taking care of the yard as soon as weather permits. I'll take my car in for an oil change on Monday after the delivery of my new bed. YAY!!! I will never again take a night of comfortable sleep for granted. I'm so grateful that my mom had the trundle bed for me to borrow for the past several months. Though it is uncomfortable, it was far better than a pallet on the floor and an inflatable mattress. I am so excited to have a bed that I won't fall out of on a regular basis(!!!). The house is beginning to look like and feel like a "real home".

I will also be meeting with my lawyer. SURELY this tedious business is almost over. Husband's last email caused some sort of significant break emotionally (in a good way). I no longer feel guilty or self-condemning. I don't want to purposely hurt him in any way but I no longer care if he likes or approves of me or my choices. The continuous manipulations now seem so clear. What an unexpected freedom! I would love to be married again one day but I will never allow anyone, other than God, to have that much power/control over me again. The first 19 years of my life with my dad and the past last 19 with husband DID teach me some things. 

"I am worth it" is embedding itself deeper than I ever thought possible and I feel so incredibly blessed. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Spring Break IS Almost Here!!

I  am so very ready for Spring Break!! With today's very unexpected school cancellation, there are only 3 1/2 more work hours remaining. Woo-hoo!

I am so grateful for feeling better physically than I have in such a long time. The thyroid med and hormonal adjustments have been beyond beneficial. I am sleeping better, thinking way more clearly and emotionally leveled-out. Being a happy, healthy person is such a blessing!

In thinking back over the past 10 months, so much has changed. I truly almost feel re-born in the best way possible. The changes and inevitable losses have been great and I know that the journey of grief is long and unpredictable but I am feeling such hope for the future for the 1st time in a very long time.

Amber and I decided against the trip to Tennessee and my friend, Jenny, that I had considered meeting up with in Searcy had to cancel her plans. The weather is simply too unpredictable right now for travel especially since I absolutely cannot risk missing any more days of work.

My principal is amazing but she has some valid concerns about the illnesses and absences for this school year. I find comfort in knowing that I couldn't do many things differently even if given the chance to do so. I am fully trusting that God will continue to take care of me regardless of what her decision will be. All things finally seem to be settling so I'm praying her choice won't lead to further changes but it's out of my control and I know that she is a prayerful person and will allow God to lead her. My prayer is that His leading coincides with my longings.