Sunday, March 22, 2015

Burdens of the Unexpected

This past week has been difficult but I'm not sure why. I'm thinking it was a culmination of recovering from strep, rainy days, monthly hormones and the disappointment of how the Spring Break turned out.

There were some tough moments with behavioral and family concerns with my students. Every year, I promise myself better boundaries with these babies but that's next to impossible. They become a part of my heart and I can't stand to see them hurting; especially in circumstances that they have no control over. The 4 students that are in foster care are even more endearing because I so want them to know that while they are at school, they are safe and that they are dearly loved no matter what.

I'm not depressed or feeling hopeless but there has been a prevalent and steady sense of sadness all week. I know there's no steady incline or decline in the grieving process but I certainly wish that there was a definitive ending point. Returning items to their respective owners this week was far more emotionally-reactive than I'd imagined.

I never would have thought that going with friends to see the new "Cinderella" movie this evening, would have led to an anxiety attack. Thankfully, I was able to discretely leave the theater without disturbing any one else's evening. They, of course, realized I got up and left but I didn't offer an explanation other than I began to not feel well. I walked the parking lot in the misting rain and talked with Randy until I got a grip on my breathing. Embarrassing but just part of this current journey.

I must figure out a way to let go of the intense shame and stupidity I feel for having lived so much of my life allowing others to abuse, control and manipulate me. That sense of shame feels absolutely crushing on some days, thus making it very difficult to engage in social situations. I know that as long as there is breath, there is healing and hope. My continual prayer is that it's not too late to live/lead the life I've always dreamed of, prayed for and imagined.

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