Within the past few weeks, I finally feel like I've regained my footing then today knocked the breath out of me and has literally left me on the floor in sobbing prayer.
I KNOW that God is in control and all will be okay.
I will be okay.
But despite that knowledge, I wish I could see even a tiny glimpse of light on the path He's preparing. Part of me finds the "openness" of opportunities exciting while another part of me is fighting off the grip of fear of not having any idea what the future holds.
I'm thankful that the next 4-5 months have some sense of stability and desperately trying to focus on that blessing and not worry beyond the moment but that is so much easier said than done.
I was really looking forward to this holiday weekend. The first holiday since the big life changes that I feel healthy and there are low-key but enjoyable plans in place. But now I sit on yet another level of grief, anger, and confusion while pleading with God for some sort of direction.
I won't allow this undesirable news/situation steal a moment of joy from the privileged time with my family this weekend. I will also not allow such to interfere with my work responsibilities and professional attitude.
A few years back, a lady that I didn't know very well was under an intense amount of burdens. I regularly prayed for her and I will never forget the intensity and power of her "claiming her rights as a daughter of the Almighty King". She ended her talk by sharing with us her daily proclamation of speaking out loud: "In the name and power of Jesus, 'Devil, go to hell! And stay there. You will not take me from my Father's side".
I understand her words and passion-filled plea so much better now than then.