Wishing my faith was stronger.
Strong enough to not allow any room for panic in my heart.
Strong enough to not allow tears steeped in fears.
Strong enough to not wonder "why?" and "how?"
I understand that the sadness and accompanying grief are understandable and acceptable but the underlying fears and doubts are not.
I'm hoping that after my meeting with Liesa tomorrow, I'll, at least, have a sense of peace in knowing that I've done all that I can do. I simply want the chance to be heard and believed. I am praying for the option of a transfer but not counting on such.
I find it disheartening that one individual is allowed the power to harm and even possibly end ones long term and successful teaching career. I do not believe that the decision that has been made is based on my teaching abilities or performance.
My students have learned as demonstrated through their formal and informal assessments. I have not had any issues with students or their respective families. As far as I am aware, I have gotten along well with each and every member of the faculty and staff. I, in no way, deserve the treatment I have received. And for one who is always quick to assume blame for anything, that is saying a lot.
The situations/concerns that were previously brought to my attention are the reasons I assume are behind the decision made. I thoroughly explained about each concern and thought all had been cleared up. I am not above reproach at any time but the concerns she expressed were explained in an honest, forthright manner. If she chooses to not believe me, I feel that she should have gone to the other parties involved for collaboration or disproof. She hasn't done any such thing.
I know God will work this out for something good in His plan but I am feeling so frustrated, infuriated and flat-out weary. I'm grateful that I am allowed the privilege of relying upon His strength because my strength is barely enough to keep standing.
My mind, body and soul are crying out for some sort of "break" in the sadness and confusion that has been a daily part of my existence for far too long.