This time last year, I was headed to Edmond, Oklahoma in a desperate plea for a "safe place" filled with anxiety and grief. I felt like, for all practical purposes, my life had truly come to an end. That was the.LONGEST.drive.EVER!
My safe arrival was only through the providence of God. Dear friends alternated the timing of their phone calls. Had I not been on the phone with Randy during that massive panic attack, I would have been in a wreck. He helped keep me calm enough to pull over to the side of the highway. The moment that I finally laid eyes upon Becky & Wayne was the moment that I knew NO MATTER WHAT, I would be okay.
I will forever be in awe of the love that those two have shown me since I was 5 years old despite my dad placing them in harms way; even to the point of being in a witness protection program. They have NEVER wavered in their support, encouragement and love for me. Wayne has always had the ability to make me laugh and Becky has always spoken the truth to me even if I didn't want to hear it.
A year ago, I realized that my life was no longer working and changes had to be made. I NEVER imagined the changes that would occur but I've no regrets other than not having made the changes earlier.
I have several life scenarios that play out so easily in my mind but haven't any idea if those ideas match up with the plans of God. Time will tell and I am learning to fully trust in Him even if I don't understand. Looking back over my life, I wonder "what if" I had heeded those heart-tugs from God rather than dismissing them or responding/reacting in fear.
I am far from being "fearless" but am growing closer to being such with each and every day. The next 11 weeks hold some pivotal moments and it is a struggle to not give in to worry but that is my goal and I know that I am blanketed in prayer which is a huge comfort.
I heard an "old song" by Reba McEntire and Vince Gill earlier this week and it brought to mind how I've never allowed myself to trust my heart. But now that is the only thing to trust PROVIDED THAT God's Word and His Will are first and foremost in my heart. What heartache I could have missed if I'd only heeded that Truth 28 years ago. But...can't go back so forward I will go.
THE HEART WON'T LIE
(Reba M. & Vince G.)
"Looking back over the years of all the things I've always meant to say
But words didn't come easily
So many times through empty fears...
You try to live your life from day to day...
Cause the heart won't lie
Sometimes life gets in the way
But there's one thing that won't change
I know I've tried
The heart won't lie
You can live your alibi
Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise
The heart won't lie...