Friday, May 1, 2015

Broken but Blessed

Yesterday was especially hard.
Waking up feeling cruddy for yet another day of missed work pushed every emotional button I had.

A post on Stephanie's blog today was a much needed to reminder of things I KNOW TO BE TRUE.

http://stephanieclayton.org/this-will-not-break-you-not-now-not-ever/


Last night was filled with tears of anguish along with my questioning of God about the simple plans that I've always wanted in my life resulting in seemingly unattainable dreams.

The dreams/plans I had in childhood in regards to unconditional love and safety within my family home didn't happen though I am so grateful that as an adult, my momma and my siblings are my dearest friends. I am also so thankful for God allowing David to become such an integral part of my life. From my 6th grade year until his death in 2008, he was the safe home I always longed for and hold tight to those precious memories.

My plans to graduate and immediately move from my family did become a reality though my time in Searcy didn't go as I hoped or as I planned. The day I left Searcy after college graduation remains as one of the most difficult days of my life. My return to Greenville for a year is little more than blurred memories of my broken heart.

My 1st few months of living independently in Tyler were fabulous followed by a few months of despair then "life happened" and here I sit almost 20 years later wondering what in the hell happened and why?

I may never know why but I am committed to further discovering how so to not ever duplicate the situations, scenarios and circumstances that have led to the 2nd most miserable year of my life.

In the midst of my tears and prayerful pleas last night, I felt God's tug on my heart in reminding me that my thoughts, ideas, plans are limited and steeped in a sinful world but that HIS PLANS are beyond my comprehension and are for the sake of this life and life eternal. He never promised anything would be easy.

After a fitful night of sickness and further unrest, today has been low-key and quiet. Nothing but uplifting music, silly TV shows and time spent in Scripture and prayer.

I was looking for a particular song on YouTube and came across a song sung by Miranda Lambert called "The House that Built Me".

In my next post, I will share why these lyrics touched my heart in such a way that led to a deeper understanding and a commitment for the summer time travel.


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