Friday, May 8, 2015

Stubbornness isn't always bad ;)

A fairly new realization sank in a bit deeper this week. For emotional support, I rely mostly, if not completely, upon the trustworthy adults that cared for me when I was a young girl---Becky & Wayne, Keith & Vickie, Randy, and David until his death.

I questioned KT about the peculiarity of that and he assured me that it wasn't strange because that's why God gives us one another.  I was forced to live in a state of alienation as a child and thought it necessary to do so for years to come. I began to step out of that mode but unwittingly began to live another phase of life in isolation because of the crippling effects of an environment shrouded by addiction. I no longer want to live that way and I won't live in a shadow of assumed shame or the darkness of secrecy any longer.

But it's harder than I imagined to rely on people without feeling like a burden or in fear that I may not be seeing the whole picture as I didn't for quite a while in my marriage.

This past year has been difficult. Blessings far outweigh the strife even though the past few weeks have been incredibly hard with the tension at work.

I often wish that I would toughen up a bit but apparently, my seemingly over-tender heart is here to stay. ALL but one individual have been so kind, encouraging and supportive. I know that this ONE individual is not being truthful. I know that the positives are bigger than the one negative view yet I've been so hurt. Frustrates me how I have allowed one person to 'rock my world'.  I've allowed her words to pierce my soul like a knife and take me down the path of recalling every negative thought I've ever had towards myself.

God tells us to "capture each thought" so that's exactly what I am doing. I am responsible for choosing what & whom to believe and I will no longer allow this feeling of weariness to take its toll. I am soft-hearted and sensitive but I am not fragile and I won't waste one more moment of this ridiculous internal battle.

So there...God-willing, the sun will come out again tomorrow and I will enjoy its beauty. :)

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