Monday, July 20, 2015

Summer Evenings

Kevin and his family came to the area for their last camping trip of the summer. I still find it hard to believe that the twins will be sophomores in high school this year. I can still hear their itty-bitty baby cries in my head and distinctly remember the 1st moment I laid eyes on them. Without too much bias, I can truly say that they are good kids.

Much of the evening was spent in lawn chairs and swimsuits while reliving some silly and fun summer moments. I was saddened to learn that they, even at such young ages, picked up on the underlying sadness of my life. A..W. mentioned how I seemed/acted so different when I was with my husband. E.D. brought up how all she really remembered was husband sitting on the couch except for the one time when he and A were talking about Star Trek/Star Wars.

Those precious kiddos spent at least 4 days and nights with me each summer since they were 3 years old. Of course, last summer was different with the separation and move but that's at least 10 summer trips and their memories of husband are zilch. They didn't dislike him. They simply didn't know him and never felt like he cared one way or the other about knowing them. He was rarely, by his choice, involved in our summer plans, trips, and activities.

I'm thankful that he never discouraged me from the times with my niece or nephews but listening to A and E just further  proved the fact of the majority of my married life was spent as a 'single' regardless of legal status.

While talking with counselors over the past year or so, both strongly felt that I was much further along in the natural-grieving-process of my marriage because I had spent at least a decade in grief before finally removing myself from the situation. I guess that makes sense but maannnn, I'd hate to be on timely grief schedule because this has been hard enough as it is.

Of course as I've noted before, the grief went beyond my marriage alone. Leaving my marriage brought about leaving my town, my job, my friends, my church, my dogs, my neighbors, my extended family and many personal belongings. My whole world changed and it is definitely a more peaceful, satisfying place. Now if only the ridiculously long legal aspect of all would end.

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