Soul Restoration

Friday Fill-Ins :)

2012-01-28T12:10:00.003-06:00

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

1. It's time to quit looking back and move forward.
2. Must go to the grocery store ... and don't forget the eggs!
3. I'm trying to learn to "let go and let God" much more quickly.
4. "How 'bout a red solo cup for the weekend?", that was the last funny comment I received.
5. Please send me your confirmation.
6. "May as well get used to it cause I'm in it for the long haul" has sadly proven to not always be a true statement; regardless of intentions.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to simply resting, tomorrow my plans include cleaning and organizing downstairs and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, complete school plans and spend some time with my husband!

Lies Women Believe Week 1: Days 1-3

2012-01-24T20:15:00.000-06:00

Book Notes (Pages 15-36)

"Our culture is experiencing an epidemic of "soul-sickness"---not just among women 'out there' in the world but among those of us in the church."
"Bondage is another word that comes to mind when I think of contemporary Christian women...not free to enjoy the grace and love of God...bondage to their past...bondage to what the Bible calls the 'fear of man'...emotional prisoners...bondage in relation to food..."
"When we turn to Scriptures, we are reminded that God didn't intend for it to be this way."
This is possible : "...in the midst of their problems and the pain , they have discovered a source of life that enables them to walk through the valley with peace, confidence, and wholeness."
"...the root of most of our struggles: YOU AND I HAVE BEEN LIED TO. WE HAVE BEEN DECEIVED."
"...goal in this book is to expose those lies for what they really are...identify the Deceiver and his lies...introduce you to the power of the Truth and to show you how believing and acting on the Truth is our means to true, glorious freedom.
"The journey may be difficult---even painful---to identify and root out those areas of deception that have placed you in bondage but...the "Good Shepherd" loves you dearly, laid down His life for you, and will take you by the hand and lead you...if only you will let Him."
"Satan's objective is to drive a wedge between God and His creatures...through a clever combination of outright lies, half-truths disguised as truth...planting seeds of doubt...causing ones to make decisions based on what could be seen and on what emotions and reasons tell us to be right, even when it was contrary to what God has already said."
Genesis 2:17
Genesis 3:4-64
Proverbs 14:12
Ezekiel 13:22
Matthew 11:28-30
John 8:4
John 10:10
2 Corinthians 11:3, 14
Galatians 5:1
Ephesians 5:6
Philippians 2:13
1 Timothy 2:14
James 5:19, 20
Open your eyes and evaluate what is going around you...ask yourself important questions:

What is the message here?

Is it really true?

Am I being deceived by a way of thinking that is contrary to the Truth?

Study Guide (personal excerpts )

Jesus said this purpose is to give life in all its fullness.

For the longest time, I have lived in the state of survival and simply existing---being in bondage to fear of people, fear of loss, and having a false view of who God is.

John 8:31-36

Freedom: relying on Him above all things and all people. My identity to be based on Christ and Christ alone.

Through this study, I want to recognize the lies more easily and quickly replace them with God's Truth.
Is there any area of your life where you have given up hope that you can ever be free?

There was an inexplicable emotional tie to one I knew was wrong. I kept falling for the lie that I owed this person something because of all the good that had supposedly come from this relationship at one time. Over 20 years of angst, confusion, guilt, etc. and the Lord helped me to become free from this by allowing things to be said and done that left absolutely no room for mixed messages or confusion. Truly amazing to finally be free of this harmful, dangerous relationship.
At times, it seems the past will never let go. Memories and such catch me off guard at the most inopportune moments. Have begun to realize that the actual events didn't destroy me because of God's provision and care thus the mere memories of such cannot destroy me either. God has me covered.

How can you discern the difference between Truth and deception? How can you keep from being deceived by Satan's lies?

KNOW God's Word; Surround self with Godly people; Clothed in prayer

Lies Women Believe Intro

2012-01-22T22:37:00.000-06:00

Study Beginning on January 24th

I am participating in the above online study at Bible Cafe for Women. I've participated in online studies before but not in this format. Seems that the way this study is done is through responding to posted questions on their site in forms of a comment. I will be using my site for book notes, personal observations and for following the book-related study guide. Prayerfully, looking forward to this study and all that God will reveal.

Saturday 9

2012-01-21T11:59:00.002-06:00

Saturday 9

1. Do you live close to where you grew up? Why?

About 2 hours or so. Somewhat of an accident but glad it occurred, especially since my brother and his family moved back to our hometown.

2. Have you ever been so angry that you almost lost control?

Yep. Not a pretty moment nor a fond memory.

3. Are you a fan of a musical act that slightly embarrasses you?

No though I do enjoy all genres of music.

4. Is there a movie that always makes you cry?

Too many! Steel Magnolias, Hope Floats, Beaches...notice that these are all oldies. I no longer watch movies that promote tears. Life has enough drama so I do my best to stick to fun-loving movies. Been known to leave in the middle of a movie if it takes a 'dark turn'.

5. Who is the most famous person that you've met?

Sam Walton, (Walmart). Talked with him for about 20 minutes and had no idea who he was until he spoke an assembly the next day.

6. Before you leave your home, what must you have?

eye-glasses, cell phone, and a doggie treat to leave for my pup before I close the door

7. What do you miss the most about being a kid?

playing outside and totally losing track of time

8. Tell us about a passion of yours that your readers would not expect.

rescued horse ranches

9. At what age do you think you'd be to think, “I've had a great run”?

90 or above

Friday Fill-Ins

2012-01-20T20:48:00.001-06:00

And...here we go.
http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

1. When I looked out the window this morning I was so thankful to NOT see frost on the ground.
2. Politics doesn't make sense to me.
3. Remind me that I can do ALL things through Christ....
4. Spending time with my niece and nephews is something I love to do.
5. TP is always being misplaced in my house. Buy it. Place it. Store the backup. Forget about the backup. Rebuy...
6. I cleaned the refrigerator recently and I found a York Peppermint Pattie. YUM.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with hubby and just relaxing at home, tomorrow my plans include putting the Christmas Decorations AWAY and catching up the checkbook and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, cook for the upcoming week and spend some time with my mom.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T12:54:00.000-06:00

A new year.

A fresh start.

Beginning again.

A date that signifies hope.

Hope for reformation.

Hope for restoration.

A date that signifies remembrance.

Regrets, relinquisment, rejoicing.

Thankful that because of God,

each day is a fresh start.

His mercies are new every morning.

Thankful that because of God,

restoration is possible.

Thankful that transformation is made possible

with each new day.

Praying that these TRUTHS will remain in my heart

and on my mind

for each and every day of 2012.

NLT Give Away: Great Christmas Opportunity

2011-12-08T20:42:00.001-06:00

Check out the following link to join in on the NLT Life Application Study Bible. Great opportunity!

http://www.facebook.com/NewLivingTranslation?sk=app_121121694568521

Meaning of Love

2011-11-30T11:22:00.001-06:00

When I say that I love you it means:

• I am giving you the most excellent of all I have.

• I consider us bound together.

• I will be patient with you.

• I will be kind, caring, and sympathetic towards and with you.

• I will cling to and hold on to what is good in our relationship.

• I will take joy in showing you honor, respect and admiration.

• I will not be jealous, envious, or resentful of you, who you are, what you have, what you do…

• I will not be arrogant, filled with pride or consider myself more important than you.

• I will be forgiving when faults are made.

• I will be genuine, authentic, sincere and real with you. No pretenses.

• I will not be conceited, egotistical, or self-righteous.

• I will not be rude, discourteous, bad-mannered, or impolite to you.

• I will not demand or insist on my own way.

• I will not be bad-tempered, short-tempered, or irritable.

• I will not keep a record of wrongs. I will allow the power of love to cover all offenses.

• I will not rejoice in injustice, unfairness, wrong, or inequality.

• I will rejoice in truth.

• I will never give up on you. I will not suspend my love or relinquish our relationship.

• I will never lose faith in you or our friendship. I will not allow love to be lost, defeated or misplaced.

• I will always be hopeful in our friendship filled with confidence, optimism, positivity and encouragement.

• I will endure through every circumstance. I will not be intolerant or allow love to fade away.

• I am saying I will be here for you without end.

• I will not allow any sort of fears to devastate our relationship because God is love. Love drives out all fear, therefore, in God there is no fear.

• I will not do so perfectly but I can and will love you, in and through Christ, because as we live in Him, the love I have will grow more perfect.

o Proverbs 10:11-13

o Proverbs 17:9

o John 13:34

o Romans 12:9, 10

o 1 Corinthians 13

o 1 Corinthians 14:1

o 1 Corinthians 16:14

o Colossians 3:14

o 1 John 4:8

o 1 John 4:16-19

Prayer based on Philippians 1

2011-10-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

Father God, I come before You with thanksgiving in my heart and a soul that is truly seeking more of You. As I read through Philippians 1 this morning, I felt Paul echoing words of my own heart. I pray that the personalization of these Scriptures into my personal prayer will be acceptable. I love you, Lord, and I am longing for that love and trust to deepen putting to death each and every doubt and fear.

Father, I thank You that I do belong to Christ Jesus because of your gracious love and mercies. I pray that the knowledge of whose I am will further develop grace and peace within me that only You can provide.

Lord, I thank You for those in my life who are also seeking You above all. Thank you for their loving-kindness, encouragement, partnership and prayers. My appreciation for these like-minded, God-loving, Christ-following believers deepens each day. I thank You for these relationships and the special places that each of these people has in my heart. Thank You for the ways You have enabled them, Lord, to confirm the Truths of Your Words and to be a continual sense of encouragement to me. I pray that you will allow me to do/be the same for them. Father, I pray that You will continue the good works that You have begun in these friends and within me until all is completed upon Christ’s return.

Lord, I pray that these precious people that You have allowed to be a part of my life know how much I treasure and value each of them. If not, please show me how to express my true gratitude, care and concern for each of them.

I ask that Your Spirit will allow Your love to completely fill me in ways that I cannot even imagine. I pray for the ability, willingness, and commitment to keep growing in the knowledge and understanding of You and for that knowledge and love to spill over into every relationship in my life. I want others to, undoubtedly, see Christ and His love in my life. I want to value what truly matters and to be filled with the righteousness that can only be created through a personal relationship with Christ.

God, I pray that You help me to keep in my mind and heart that You can and will use all things that have happened and all things that will happen to further the cause of Your kingdom. Please forgive me when I doubt that Truth and allow myself to get caught up in fears, doubt, anger, and sadness. Lord, increase my confidence in You and enable me to speak fearlessly of Your name and Your Word.

Lord, I so often get caught up in the selfish desires of my heart, my plans, and my wants. Please forgive me when my intentions are not Godly and in alignment with Your will. Create in me a pure heart filled with genuine love for You and for others.

Forgive me, Father, for the times I’ve backed away in embarrassment and fear at the times I have been questioned to speak up in defense of Christ and the relationship He so lovingly has offered me. I want my life to bring honor to You. I want to be faithful, despite any barriers that may be presented. I want others to see Christ living in me. Please deepen my faith, remove my doubts, destroy my fears and keep me close to Your heart.

Lord, I ask that You keep my heart and mind focused on the Truth that I am a citizen of Heaven and that I will lead a life that is worthy of such. Strengthen me to stand against any one and any circumstance that may attempt to cause me to question the Promises and Truths of Your Word. Thank you for not only allowing me the privilege of trusting in Christ but to also have the privilege of suffering for Him. Please help me to remember that the sufferings are also a privilege. Forgive my unbelief and doubts. Strengthen me through Your Presence, Your Spirit, Your Word and Your Followers.

~AMEN

Feelings and Faith

2011-07-19T01:01:00.000-05:00

Ephesians 6:16: In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan.

I John 1:5-7: This is the message He has given us to announce to you: God is light and there is no darkness in Him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spirituall darkness. We are not living in the truth. But if we are living in the light of God's presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from every sin.

Isaiah 12:2: See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The LORD GOD is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.

Dear Lord,

Help me to bring all my feelings to You...even the ones that I wish I didn't have. Father, you know that fear and anxiety still plague me. I know that feelings are not sinful but I also know that they can be temptations to sin. When fiery missiles of fear fly at me day night and night; these attacks from the evil one come at me relentlessly. Enable me with Your strength and wisdom to use my shield of faith to extinguish these flaming arrows. Help me to rest in my trust in You, regardless of how I feel. Dear God, help me to persist until my feelings fall in line with my faith.

Please grant me the strength to be honest with You about these fears. I do not want to hide or pretend in my relationship with You. I know that if I hide the anxieties in the recesses of my heart that they will give birth to more fear. Help me to bring my anxieties out into the Light of Your Presence, where they can be dealt with righteously. Help me to fully trust in You, Lord, knowing that the fearfulness will gradually lose it foothold with me through Your merciful love and grace.

AMEN.

Personal prayers based on the daily devotional book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.

Moments of Amazement Part 2

2011-07-17T03:05:00.003-05:00

After that little outburst Friday night, I took a double dose of Nyquil and went to bed.
I woke up extremely early Saturday morning but felt surprisingly rested and alert---not a feeling that has been familiar in quite a while.

I wrapped up and went out to read my Bible but couldn't concentrate on what I was reading and ending up just sitting in the silence. I didn't actually hear God speaking but His words were more audible in my heart than I ever remember them being before. I began to journal what I was 'hearing'.

"I do know your heart. I am not learning anything new through this conversation. The question is 'Are you?' You have been crying from the depths of your heart for someone to just tell you what to do…that in and of itself shows that you are missing the point. You can't do anything. You don't know how. Despite what you think--- you never have, never will.

BUT I CAN. And I WILL when you not only hear My call but accept it for what it is. I know you don't trust easily. I know you are broken. I know you feel irreparable. I know you have pieced your fragmented self back together---kind of like a warped, peeling, fading, edges torn, jigsaw puzzle. I can make you whole. ONLY I can make you whole. You don't have to do anything---you can't. I have nothing but time and a love deeper than you can even imagine.

I am the absolute best of what you hoped for in a father, what you desired and longed for from others. Don't let your definitions of those terms keep you from knowing who I am. I am Creator, Provider, Counselor, Rescuer, Comforter, Safety, Peace, Security, Protector and Redeemer and so much more. I am the beginning and the end.

Allow Me to be your friend---the trust will deepen, the understanding will grow and you will begin to comprehend that I have given you My all to be your all. I will not disappoint, fail, deceive, abuse, or abandon. When you allow Me to be your everything, those conceptual titles won't be threatening. They will become part of an all-encompassing description of love, security, hope, merciful grace, and peace.

NOTHING compare to Me and what I offer. Walk through the door, into My presence---straight into My arms, if you'd like. I will be here. It is not an illusion. I will be here. I won't leave. And you will never be the same again."

I wish I could say that at this point I accepted all and tearfully surrendered. BUT the conversation continued:

(My words Response from God)

You make it sound easy.
It's not. Dying to self is painful. Wasn't easy for My Son. Won't be easy for you.

What if I fail?
You will. I won't.

I'm terrified.
I know. Go back to the beginning. Remember the little girl who literally ran down the hall to Bible Class to meet Me there. Remember the young girl who would sit for hours, under the stars, simply talking with Me and singing 'devotional songs'. Remember the insatiable appetite you once had for learning more of My Word. Child-like faith: BIG MOVE…little steps.
What's if what I offer is not enough?
It won't be. That is why I gave My Son to stand in the gap.

Still sounds terrifying.
What more could you want? I am everything. I am the all in all. I am love and My love does not and will not disappoint.

But I will be a disappointment. What then?
Yes, you will---guaranteed. Then I will comfort. I'll love. I'll guide and you will learn from Me.

I know this sounds pathetic but I can't remember a time in life when there wasn't a strong element of fear, self-preservation and self-protection. That is who I am. I am the strong one. I am the survivor.
And how has holding onto that illusion been working for you? You survived because of My mercies, My plans. Put down your sinful pride. It has never served you well and it never will.

You promise?
Yes. Already have. Christ was My sacrifice. He is not only your gift but your guarantee.

I am so tired.
I know. That doesn't have to remain the case. All that you must do is come to Me. Among the many things I will give to You is rest. Lay the burdens down. Don't worry if you collapse from the sheer relief of being free from the weight. I am here. I will catch you. I will bring you to Me and you will be safe. I know of your every regret, your every disappointment, your every fear, your every sin, your every smile, your every tear.

Nothing you fear that I will see will cause me to turn away and leave. There is nothing new for me to see. I've been here all along. I am loyal. I am compassionate. I am loving. I am steadfast.

The table has been prepared with all you've ever wanted; all you'll ever need. There is no better offer. I am sitting right here looking at your empty chair truly hoping that you will choose to occupy the place reserved for you. The choice is yours and yours alone. The door has already been opened. All you have to do is walk over the threshold. I WILL BE HERE.

THEN…the tears began and surrendering happened. And once again, I am amazed!

Moments of Amazement Part 1

2011-07-17T03:04:00.002-05:00

Well, I know I have to be on the right path or else Satan wouldn't be so hard at work in his attempts to throw me off track.
    What began 2 weeks ago as a conscious effort to study the characteristic of God as presented in Scripture alone has taken a few twists and turns. After about 5 days into that proposed study, I began to struggle with recalling old memories ---nothing new surfacing, just kind of "re-living" some of my life's hardest moments. Night time became especially difficult, regardless of being asleep or awake.
    The emotions and such that occurred during that time shifted my focus on the study of God. Once I recognized Satan's attacks, I decided to 'outfit' myself in God's Word with the hopes that those Words would contradict what I felt like Satan was trying to make me believe. I was and remain amazed at how verses I've repeatedly read took on new meaning which included a huge sense of hope. I was loving the light that wasn't simply flickering in the dark distance but producing a steady stream of light.
    After meeting with Jim on Wednesday, I became painfully aware that I still wasn't willing to fully trust God and be done with my arrogant, sinful sense of control. Mind shifted back to becoming Scripturally aware of who God claims to be.
    I'm thinking it would be nice if all of this were truly as sequential as it seems to be in writing. There hasn't been an opening or ending chapter---more like overlapping events, thoughts, emotions, and actions in a difficult on-going process.
    Early Thursday morning, I awoke to the sound of my own screams. Upon fully waking up, I realized that, once again, I was "remembering" past events in fragmented pieces of reality. Despite attempting to go into work at ½ day, a migraine kept me home for the day.
    When feeling better, I continued reading through the Bible, noting the attributes of God. With each notation, I was feeling more like an open wound and truly saddened at my realization that I did not believe many of the "good" descriptions that I was reading. I know enough to know that one can't pick up the Bible and freely pick and choose what is true and what isn't. Accepting Scripture as Truth is an either/or option. Thursday night was filled with a lot of questions, doubts, and attempts at rationalizing but very little rest even though sleeping time was, thankfully, uneventful.
    The smallest things at work on Friday served to increase my annoyances, agitations, and anger. By Friday night, I felt as if I were an emotional time-bomb and felt as if I allowed the valve to even slightly open, that I would explode and there would be no turning back. The main emotions were anger and resentment. I stubbornly refused to let a single tear surface.
    Late that night, I sat and watched the movements of the night sky. I have no idea how long I spent outside. During this time, I began a conversation with God that went something along the lines of the following:

"Okay, You say You know my heart so You won't be shocked when I admit that 'No, I don't completely trust You.' I want to. I want to believe what I'm reading and am being told but I don't. A large part of my heart does not want to take the risk of getting deeply hurt ever again.

The concept of 'Father' isn't appealing for obvious reasons. Other concepts don't feel me with great feelings of warmth either.

Too much has been taken away. Seems like too little remains to risk being lost. I don't want to die but the idea of continuing to live like this makes death an enviable position.

I am reading about Your goodness but anger filled with why-and-if-based-thinking surfaces much more easily than adoration.

I don't know how to move beyond that. I don't know what to say or do to make that not be true. Regardless of supposing to feel embarrassed at even saying so doesn't lessen the fact.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want that to be the end of the story. I am tired of the sadness, the fears, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the wavering emotions, the hiding, the pretending, etc.

I don't know how to do this and that in and of itself fills me with embarrassment, shame and anger. Even now as tears form, anger towards me and toward You overrides all. I am not shedding another tear in frustration over this.

This is it. This is where I am at. And I'm guessing that this is where I'll be and stay because not knowing what else to do leaves me still. After all, what I've been doing obviously isn't working so well.

I can hear the ducks over at the lake---how ironic. I feeling like a sitting duck---guess I'll be shot, captured, or set free."

Times of Wondering may also lead to Times of Wandering

2011-02-07T12:25:00.002-06:00

Wondering why some days hurt like hell and other days just glide on by.
Today is one of those hellish days.

I know that my hormones are probably the main cause behind the stream of tears but the hurt still hurts regardless of the cause. I am tired of feeling like I am living on an emotional roller-coaster.

I am not living up to anyone’s standards---much less my own. I feel as if I am caught in a perpetual circle of grief and before I find closure/healing on one thing, something else comes along to bury whatever was the main concern. I feel as if I am made up of layers of anguish, doubt, terror, & anger.
Most days I can go on and live normally and other days I come grinding to a halt.

Today I am halting.
Reminding myself that it is okay to breathe. God has taken care of the shame.
Reminding myself that I am not alone. I have friends and family who love me, despite my in-adequateness, and most importantly,
I have a Lord whose love never changes.

I do find comfort in those facts.
I do find hope knowing that God is in control.
But in control of what?
The chaos?
The brokenness?
The seemingly inability to build and maintain healthy relationships?
The underlying fear that remains in knowing that anything and anyone can be lost at a moment and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

I am angry.
I am hurt.
I want to scream, curse, kick, hit and collapse.
I want someone to simply hold me without need for explanation or justification.

I want to know for certain that I will survive what frequently feels un-survivable.
Nothing is as I thought it would be.
Letting go of the dreams is harder than I ever imagined.

I am tired of the fitful nights,
the tear-filled days,
the anguish in knowing or at least fearing that there is something terribly, intrinsically wrong with me.

Facing the ugliness hasn’t diminished the pain.
The shame is lessening
but seems to only be overtaken by other emotions like rage, insecurity, fear.

This is only a moment in time.
I KNOW that there will be other moments where peace will reign.

Reminding myself that "This is My Father's World".

This is my Father's world,

and to my listening ears

all nature sings, and round me rings

the music of the spheres.

This is my Father's world:

I rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;

his hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father's world,

the birds their carols raise,

the morning light, the lily white,

declare their maker's praise.

This is my Father's world:

he shines in all that's fair;

in the rustling grass I hear him pass;

he speaks to me everywhere.

This is my Father's world.

O let me ne'er forget

that though the wrong seems oft so strong,

God is the ruler yet.

This is my Father's world:

why should my heart be sad?

The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!

God reigns; let the earth be glad!

Made to Crave...1

2011-01-17T02:51:00.004-06:00

As I am contemplating the upcoming start of the online study, Made to Crave: written by Lysa Terkhurst, I am asking myself what do I crave most in my life? What does my heart long for? In my weakest moments, what brings the tears, the anguish, the fears?

Upon my prayerful attempts to form an answer, one thing kept coming to mind. I so want to say that my utmost desire is for a deeper relationship with God. But saying that doesn't make it true. I do desire a deeper relationship yet I realized that when I am struggling, my deepest, most profound desire is relational. I want a "best friend". I am beyond blessed by the number of people in my life that genuinely care for me and I for them. I have been blessed with the privilege of having an abundance of Godly, loving, kind people in my life. If there is a need of any sort, I've no doubt that there are those in my life and most importantly, in my heart that would "step up" and be there in more ways than I could imagine. They have done so on numerous occasions. I am filled with awe and gratitude towards these relationships.

Throughout the past several years of counseling, I've come to realize the power of grief and the ways in which my life, at times, has been saturated with some sort of loss. I don't recount these facts in a moment of self-pity or in seeking out attention. I want to 'see' it realistically and deal with it honestly.

I've learned that I had never really allowed myself to grieve and until that happened, I would most likely remain in a state of fear, sadness, and emotional limbo. I hated the label "depression" and refused to accept the truth with all sorts of honorable cliches, rationales, and excuses. But the truth was I was depressed. The simplistic explanation of depression loosened the grips of shame of such. Being depressed didn't mean I had failed at life. It didn't mean things couldn't get any better. It didn't mean I was useless and at fault.

Someone lovingly used the following analogy in regards to depression: '...if one placed heavy pressure/force of some sort upon one's skin for a lengthy amount of time, the skin would depress...it would be pushed down with the weight, and dependent how long the force stayed, the skin would still have a reaction even after the pressure had been removed. The reaction could vary from a concave dimpling of the skin, a paling or reddening irritation, a bruise or maybe damage well below the surface of the skin that only the passage of time and/or treatment could restore/heal...' I know this isn't a medical, scientific explanation but it helped loosen the shame I felt.

The feelings of significant loss began early in my life with a longing for a family connection that simply didn't seem to be present within my own family. The loss deepened when my dad was sent to prison when I was 9 years old. I learned early on to not truly depend on others nor allow others to know how you truly felt. My 1st experience with death was the loss of my beloved granddaddy when I was 13. Between the ages of 16-21, I experienced the deaths of 7 friends in 7 separate scenarios along with losing 2 significant relationships in my life due to conflict & dysfunction. Between the ages of 28 and my current age of 40, 7 more friends passed away in untimely manners, not including the deaths of 4 grandparents and my dad.

Looking at these losses in a terms of an equation equals 21 heartbreaking events within a 31 year time frame. I can see now how I allowed these situations to be my rationale for keeping most people at a distance. Doesn't make it right but it is what it is. I didn't allow God or anyone else to comfort me. Food did become an emotional crutch---some stages it was in the denial of food and in other stages it was in excessive intakes of food. Food was my friend, my comfort, my support, my hide-out.

I miss having the sort of friendships that are based on the mutual sharing of each other's lives based on common interests, etc. Relationships that aren't necessarily based upon some sort of need being met but in just simply being with one another and enjoying/experiencing all sorts of life's moments.

I crave to not live in fear of loss, hurt, and abandonment. I crave meaningful relationships that are based on authenticity and genuineness. I crave security in knowing who I am in Christ and knowing that NOTHING or NO ONE can take that away. I crave "realness" in the relationships I have. I am tired of the masks, the pretenses, the games, the guilt. I crave LIFE and life to its fullest.

This is the starting point of the journey I am on through this upcoming Bible Study. I can't wait to see what God has in store. His ways never cease to amaze me and my prayer is for an open, receptive heart to whatever He calls me to.

Friday Fill-Ins, 2011 #2

2011-01-15T09:34:00.000-06:00

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2011/01/friday-fill-ins-2011-2.html

1. Right now I need motivation. Just want to stay curled up in a warm blanket with a good book.

2. Diet Dr. Pepper is what's in my glass; as if there is anything else to drink :).

3. A copy of this letter regularly reminds me that I am loved by a dear friend for always and by my God for an eternity.

4. Chocolate frosting is best with a spoon.

5. The best movie I've seen lately is an oldie but a goodie...really enjoy The Sound Of Music.

6. ONE day of snow like; WARMTH of the sun love.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to meeting with a physical therapist in hopes that this IS the answer to the chronic uncomfortableness, tomorrow my plans include taking down the Christmas tree...CANNOT believe I am now "one of those people" who still has their tree up in January...ha! and Sunday, I want to visit worship services at Grace Community. Hungering for a new church home and praying that God will make His will known; all is murky in that area.

Hope all have a wonderfully, amazing and warm weekend!

Shattered but Healing...

2011-01-07T21:59:00.002-06:00

How do you go about repairing your heart when it’s shattered?
Much of what I have held in my heart needed to be destroyed.
A “beauty from ashes” type of destruction.
To be rid of things that held me back from experiencing the goodness of God and His amazing love for me.
Why does feeling love so deeply also open you up to feeling pain more deeply?
I know it’s not “bad” but it’s far from enjoyable and beyond tiresome.

But how do you pick up the pieces and put it back together again?
Is that the point? There is no repair. There is no putting it back together.
Is it about beginning again?
Is it renewal rather than rebuilding?
Is it about just accepting the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak and allowing God to heal and begin again?
But how do you begin again when you don’t feel as if there is room for anything more---good or bad?

Not only shattered, but exhausted.
Reminding yourself to breathe.
Counting your blessings.
Truly seeking an attitude of gratitude,
yet the pain shadows the gratitude by fear.

Fear of the pain to come if relying on what seems to be worthwhile…what seems to be good.
Realizing that this too shall pass but to what end…only to come again in another fashion or form?
Fearful that if the tears come, they may never stop.
Fear that the weakness is stronger than anything within.
Fear that letting go means giving up.
Fear that moving forward only means eventually opening up myself to more heartbreak.

Tired of hurting but not tired of living.
Tired of pain but not tired of love.
Tired of abandonment through death, rejection, and simple changes in life but not tired of the relationships.

Does anything ever truly last?
So many questions…too many thoughts.
Simply praying for peace, comfort, healing and acceptance.

(Song by Linda Ronstadt)

“Shattered”

written by Jimmy Webb

Shattered

Like a windowpane

Broken by a stone

Each tiny piece of me lies alone

And scattered

Far beyond repair

All my shiny dreams

Just lying there

I'm broken, but I'm laughing

It's the sound of falling glass

I hope that you won't mind if I should cry,

In public, while I wait for this to pass

'Cause sweet darling I'm shattered

Into fragments cold and gray

Sweep the pieces all away

Then no one will ever know how much it mattered

Something deep inside of me

Shattered

Beauty of a Bird

2011-01-07T16:27:00.001-06:00

SCRIPTURE: Genesis 1:20: "And God said, 'Let the skies be filled with birds of every kind."

OBSERVATION: Just recently, I felt such gratitude for the creation of birds. On Christmas Eve, a beautifully bright red cardinal sought shelter from the rains on the interior of our front porch. Wayne said that the bird had been there a few times before but this was my 1st sighting of the fellow. Christmas Eve was especially awkward this year because not only did it mark the 1 year date of my dad's death but was also the first Christmas Eve ever that Wayne did not spend the time with his family due to an ongoing conflict that occurred several months ago.

APPLICATION: The red of the bird reminded me how I am covered by the blood of Christ. The peacefulness of the bird in its shelter reminded me that I too have a shelter available at all and in all times. I don't have to struggle in the chills, winds, and storms of life. I, as the bird did, can choose to seek and accept refuge.

PRAYER: Lord, help me to be mindful of the promises of Scripture:

Matthew 6: 26, 27: "Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your Heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not."
Psalm 36: 7: "How precious is Your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."

1 YEAR BIBLE LIFE JOURNAL

2011-01-07T15:35:00.001-06:00

I recently began a “Bible Reading Plan” using the “Life Journal” from http://www.lifejournall.cc/
A local congregation; Grace Community is supporting this plan via their blog and a mentoring program. I am looking forward to the participation and the readings.

One of the most appealing things regarding this particular plan was how it includes passages from the Old Testament and the New Testament in each daily plan. I am not doing so well, thus far, sticking with the scheduled readings because of staying focused and dealing with the thoughts and questions that are generated along the way.

The recommended steps include:

Read the suggested passages with an open heart.
Record your reactions, etc. in your journal specifically noting the Scripture that “spoke to you”.
Write down any effects that this ‘new knowledge/perception’ may lead.
Create a table of contents in your journal which includes a dated entry, noted Scripture, topic, title and page references.

The introduction of the Life Journal included an acronym that I was not familiar with but like:

Scripture
Observation
Application
Prayer

I am scribbling my thoughts throughout my journey but as time allows, I’d like to recap the study within my blog for reinforcement, clarity, and readability. Feel free to join me on this journey through reading of these particular posts or by creating your own journey through the links above. Can hardly wait to see what God has in store!

New On-Line Bible Study...YAY!!

2011-01-06T13:16:00.000-06:00

WHERE? Here on the Write From My Heart blog

WHEN? Starts Tuesday, January 18th and every Tuesday through Feb. 28th

WHY?: It's time to learn how to desire God...not food!

Who: ANYONE!

Go to Made to Crave website for more info & how to get the book/workbook.

Friday Fill-In's

2010-12-04T06:40:00.002-06:00

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

Check out the above link if you want to play along.

1. The best thing about a birthday celebration is having a great excuse to eat dessert!
2. I'll never fully grasp the passage of time.
3. I went shopping recently and the most interesting thing I bought was paper towels. How's that for an enviable life?
4. I enjoy playing the child's game of Memory with my precious students.
5. The reason is Jesus. Above all. Above anyone.
6. I would much rather have sun and warmth than snow and cold.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a DQ dinner with my father-in-law and mother-in-law, tomorrow my plans include cleaning the house and pulling out Christmas decorations and Sunday, I want to visit a church in hopes of finding a permanent place to worship!

Blogger Review (BookSneeze.com): What's He Really Thinking? by Paula Rinehart

2010-12-02T12:12:00.004-06:00

I came upon this book at a very timely place within my life. Due to simple life demands, this wasn't a quick read but well worth the time invested. The author discussed one universal truth among women is that each of us will always somehow be relating to a man. Her words from Chapter 1: "We are better able to love what we understand. And loving and being loved is the main way we reflect the glory of God." were the words that motivated me to complete this book

One of the main concepts were of the importance of realizing your own worth because when you view yourself as God views you, you can have a profound influence upon the lives of others. The author also discussed the various roles a man has as well as the varying temperaments/personalities.

The most insightful aspect I found was in becoming aware of the challenges a man faces that women do not. I enjoyed the section on specifics to pray for regarding men and how our expectations often influence who or what people will become within the given relationships.

Though the book does include any sort of relationships you may have with a male (brother, father, mate, etc.), this book does seem more personally applicable to the marital relationship. This was my introduction to the works of the author, Paula Rinehart, and I look forward to reading more of her materials.

In the Wind

2010-11-09T02:14:00.001-06:00

Screaming at the top of my lungs
But sounds won’t come out.

Wanting desperately to be heard
Yet the words aren’t there.

Wondering why others can’t see
What I’m afraid to show.

Why aren’t there answers
To the questions left unasked?

What will it take to be seen?
To be heard?

What will remain if the mask
Is removed?

Tired of playing.
Tired of hiding.
Tired of hurting.
Tired of trying.

Surrender is welcome.
Reprieve is desired.

Screaming in the wind
Yet no one hears.

God at Work

2010-07-09T02:20:00.000-05:00

It has been difficult for me to return to the land of blogging. Hard to find the words that lie deep within my heart but by the grace of God, the shadows of fear are lessening and the strength that can only come from God is resurfacing.
God's work within me is graciously continual but this past October seemed to be a dramatic turning point. A beauty from ashes type of moment in which God's methods literally left me speechless---a mixed form of shock and awe.

I admitted myself to the hospital after a lengthy battle with "clinical depression". The sense of despair deepened in ways I'd never imagined, largely in part due to a pharmaceutical mistake that, thankfully, was remedied within a matter of days and I returned home. The time in the hospital was calming and and I felt God using that time to draw me closer to Him without my usual protective pretenses.

I was allowed to take an extended leave of absence from work and the months of November and December were spent in re-evaluating, redirecting, rejuvenation, and repentance. I clung to and cried out to Him and could almost tangibly feel the warmth of His grasp on my mind, heart, and soul. Once the toxic medication dissipated and I felt more physically rested than I had in the longest time, all seemed so clear and so hopeful.

On Christmas Eve, my dad's life ended. He had been diagnosed with terminal cancer yet the cancer was not the cause of his death. When I received the call regarding his death, my immediate reaction was anger and disgust. There is no doubt in my mind that the timing of his death was purposeful---the 'perfect ending' to a sociopath's narcissistic life. You could almost the voices of those who truly didn't know the man thinking "...poor, poor man died all alone on Christmas Eve; none of his children were even there..." Unbelievably nauseating, as was his memorial service on New Year's Eve and his burial a few weeks later.

My dad's death struck me in such an unexpected emotional way. I truly believed that I had already "grieved" his loss when our relationship ended almost 7 years ago. His death not only brought an end to his earthly life but an end to any hopes that I had, unknowingly, hung onto of the relationship ever being truly reconciled. I had allowed myself to think that if a reconciliation did occur that the relationships with my aunts, uncles, and cousins wouldn't be so terribly awkward.

I was able to spend an afternoon with my dad a few weeks before his death. That "visit" resulted in a certain amount of peace but was far from a reconciliation of any sort. As I left his burial site, I knew that I was not only saying 'goodbye' to the man who was my dad but I was also saying goodbye to any hopes of a better relationship with him and his family. An unexpected sense of loss and betrayal were deeply felt.

Looking back, these occurrences between late October to the beginning of January seemed to be the beginning of the process of removing layers of the filth and lies in which I had allowed Satan to shroud my heart.

For the sake of length, I'll close here and pick up next time with the continuation of layers being removed that have led to a sense of clarity and purpose that I have never experienced. I am so thankful for the words of Philippians 1: 6 (NLT):

And I am sure that God who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.

Friday Fill-ins #175

2010-05-07T16:27:00.001-05:00

And...here we go!

1. Salsa and tortilla chips ALWAYS sound good to me.

2. Hot dogs, hamburgers, fresh made pickles, homemade ice cream and you've even got mustard.

3. By the time I get home, lately, I have been too exhausted to do anything but sit and long for an early bed time. 'Tis common for the last 3 weeks of school.

4. Checking out the fresh produce is what I look forward to most when grocery shopping.

5. And I was dreaming and then PUNCHED the heck out of our wooden headboard; 2nd time in 2 months...my husband is getting concerned about his personal safety as I sleep(!!).

6. This week I had the opportunity to snuggle with a precious newborn baby boy (12 days old)...is there anything else better?!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hopefully sleeping the entire night through, tomorrow my plans include basic housecleaning, and preparing snacks for Mother's Day and Sunday, I want to spend some special time with my amazing mom and my sweet mother-in-law!

Realizations and repentance...

2010-05-06T18:58:00.000-05:00

I should have been home long ago but there is something about the solitude of a school building that is emptied and quiet after an active, lively day. I have spent the last 1 1/2 reading over blogs and Spiritual sites that bless me in more ways than I could ever express. Some posts brought smiles to my heart and others tears to my eyes. I hadn't realized until earlier in the week how I have allowed the current conflict with some of my in-laws to, literally, dominate my thoughts and my time. There isn't a foreseeable end to the chaos that ensued on Easter Sunday. I am at peace with God, my husband, and myself but am so saddened that my mother-in-law will be experiencing a 'divided-family' on Mother's Day.
The family member that is INSISTENT that I have committed apostasy (I had to look up the word) is calling on others in the family to withdraw and confront me as she has regarding the issue of my lost soul since I have turned away from God by failing to worship at "His one true church". That attitude alone saddens me, as do the words that have been expressed, and the actions that have been taken.
I know that God is right here with me and He is fully capable and willing to 'fight this battle' without any input from me yet I feel helpless because I am, literally out of words that I wish would come and help to possibly alleviate some of the pain that this has caused within this family.

I am also saddened by the ways in which I've allowed this conflict to consume me. I know Satan is overjoyed that I have withdrawn from those closest to my heart because I fear the brokenness that they may see and I fear that I won't be handle the brokenness of others. I have neglected relationships in my workplace, in my congregation, in my Bible Study Group, and in the world of blogging b/c I have allowed myself to become so emotionally drained. I am not, by any means, depressed yet I've done what has always been a sinful, selfish, unhealthy response...remove myself from others so not to be a burden and so not to carry any additional burdens.

Seeing those words in black-n-white make me feel ill. My God is bigger than I am allowing Him to be. Jesus has conquered all and made me more than a conqueror and I am so ashamed that I have been living in a state of distrust, fear, and shame. I repent of such at this very moment and pray that I will allow God to be God and that He will enable me to be who and what He has called me to be.

Looking forward to catching up with my blogging buddies over the weekend and leaving this and all other burdens in the hands of my Father.

Friday Fill-ins

2010-04-29T23:00:00.005-05:00

And...here we go!

1. I was so happy to hear my precious nephew's voice on my answering machine.
2. I remain amazed with my absent-mindedness that causes me to repeatedly lose focus and I left my book at work once again, even though I made post-it note reminders and an email reminder.
3. Why do some people seem to thrive on chaos?
4. My much-loved and much-missed friend, David was in my thoughts today. His smile, hug, and loving words are missed so much!
5. One of my father's favorite sayings was "guran-damn-tee it". As if there aren't enough curse words available, one must insert one in the middle of a commonly used word.
6. Wondering if this week will ever be over--I know that feeling!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending the evening with my mom, tomorrow my plans include taking items to Goodwill, taking a return to Walmart, grocery shopping, cleaning, and mapping out the remainder of the school year and Sunday, I want to participate in the special luncheon regarding Mission Efforts at Bethel with the prayers that all will be encouraged to participate and support the local and world-wide opportunities that God has made available!

Shock is dissippating but consequences...

2010-04-17T20:43:00.020-05:00

...of recent actions/choices are heartbreakingly heavy. The conflict continues and I believe Satan will allow it to continue, unless, conversation, concerning the matters at hand cease. I have said all that I know to say. As I stated in my previous post, my words from the beginning of this "conflict" were pridefully defensive rather than being led by God.

I, continue, to feel at peace, that my responses since the initial confrontation/s, have been Spirit-led, though I'm sure far from perfect. Most, if not all, of my offered responses have been met with resistance, hostility, and accusations stemming from words in 13+ years of conversations that have been taken out of context, turned hurtful and hateful and exaggerated to the point of becoming blatant lies. I never would have imagined all that has been said ever becoming a reality.

I know that Satan is rejoicing that a division has, indeed, occurred but I am equally confident that the Lord, in His own ways and in His own timing, will use all of this ugliness to further His goodness. (Though, admitttedly, it would be nice to know how and when...) Thankfully, I have come to discover that the majority of my husband's family do not agree with the arrogant, self-righteous judgments that have been made. The fact seems to be that it involves 1 sibling of my brother and 2 of her 3 children totally backing her by her word alone. I am comforted by the idea that not "all" have struck out against me in this way but I absolutely HATE that stress and hurt that this has caused for so many.

I responded to the latest accusations after allowing time to "cool off", spending much time in prayer, and seeking Godly counsel from trusted friends, family, and leaderships which included both "religions" (one of which my sister-in-law has stated to be the "ONE, TRUE, church" and the one she has chosen to condemn.) Apparrently and thankfully, my amazement of God is never going to cease----both "leaderships" advised the exact same response in removing myself from the situation...more of less told to stop attempting to fight the battles that belong to God; be quiet, be still, stand, trust, and anticipate being further amazed bu the goodness and power of God.

I will, prayerfully, stick by the decision made to be silent, be still, and let God be God. THANK YOU to all who have encouraged me by your "comments" and direct emails. I don't believe that I could adequately express how much the prayers and comfort have meant to me during this difficult time. Please continue to be in prayer for the Lord's will to be done and especially for my husband, Wayne, to find peace, comfort, wisdom, and guidance to deal with what has been truly heart-wrenching.

Still reeling from the shock…

2010-04-10T13:16:00.002-05:00

of all that has occurred within the past week. What started out as an enjoyable "annual in-law-family get-together" at Easter has turned into something I would have NEVER imagined. There was a minor misunderstanding before this annual event that my husband and I host each year for 70+ of his family members. I was so thankful that a family member called beforehand to "clear the air" so nothing negative was hanging over the annual lunch and egg-hunt. I was under the impression that all been resolved and honestly, hadn't thought any more of the simple misunderstanding before it was brought to my attention by 3 others that another family member was still very upset. I was saddened to hear this and waited until all of the festivities were over before approaching this person and asking to speak privately (one-to-one) in hopes to put this minor issue aside. I am still in shock of how such a simple issue brought about a personal attack that I NEVER saw coming.

Those whom, even remotely, "know" me know that I am among the least confrontational group of people around. My entire life, up until very recently, has been all about keeping peace, regardless of the personal costs, to avoid anyone being hurt/saddened/angered, etc. My approaching this family member was to simply encourage her that if and when I did/said/wrote anything that offended her, that I would appreciate and welcome her coming to me before discussing whatever issue with numerous other family members. By the time this short conversation had ended, I had literally been judged and condemned to hell because I had chosen to "…leave THE Lord's church…" I was hurt by the words that were spoken and unlike me, immediately reacted. I regret and have sought forgiveness for my wounded pride leading me to say some things in anger that could have been handled in a much Godlier manner.

Since that afternoon, several emails have surfaced within the family (addressed as a large group) in which it seems that there are those who truly think that I am going to hell because I no longer attend the congregation that they believe is the "…only, one, TRUE church…"

So much has been said. I've only been able to respond to one accusation, which, unfortunately, fueled the fire to spread through rebuttal and arguments. I have declined to "speak" of the issue any further b/c of the absurdity that such a simple conversation escalated into the presumed "…lost condition of my soul…" For one to come at me with this "concern" in the midst of being confronted about a totally-unrelated issue has led me to believe that this is not/was not a true, genuine, loving, relational 'concern' since not family member had spoken of the "…deep grief that accompanies my eternal separation from God…" until I chose to approach them about a trivial matter that could have and should have been resolved by the act of common courtesy, much less the Biblical principle, to go to a brother 1^st about a problem before involving others. There does not seem to be a foreseeable end to this chaos.

I am at peace, in my heart, b/c I know, without a doubt, that I am secure in my walk with God and that my motives were pure though my actions and words were not perfect. But I am heartbroken by the strife this has caused within the family--- especially my husband; he is being 100% supportive of me, yet is in the middle of this "conflict".

Please join me in prayer that this may be resolved soon with God's name being glorified above all. I know that He can use this ugly, prideful, sinful mess for His glory, but in the "waiting" for Him to do so, my husband is being torn in two, anger is escalating, and relationships are breaking down.

Friday-Fill-Ins # 169

2010-03-27T10:28:00.019-05:00

http://www.fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

The right word will usually come when one is still and waiting to hear what God is telling you.
Please lower your voice and shut the door quietly, please is said in my Pre-K classroom at least 10 times per day.
Up in the clouds is where my head has been lately; thinking of tasks to come rather than the ones at hand.
At my house, with blaring music and cleaning supplies is where you'll find me this weekend as I prepare for 50+ Easter Sunday guests.
Ooh! What is that smell? Thank you to the PTO for bringing lasagna and sides to the teacher's lounge on Thursday. The entire building smelled scrumptious!!
I think a 3-day week-end is a good idea.
And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing absolutely nothing, tomorrow my plans include cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, complete lesson plans, and finish up the video series "NuMe" by Andy Stanley!

Praying that all have a weekend filled with blessings, including the WARMTH of sunshine. J

FRIDAY FILL-INS # 168

2010-03-20T00:48:00.002-05:00

Running a lil' late today...actually began the post at 6:30 a.m. & completed past midnight. HAPPY WEEKEND TO EVERYONE!!

Today I will be so grateful for the expected Spring Time weather. Love sunshine-y days!!
Some people ask "why me?" and I say why not me?
What do you think of being rid of daylight savings time and continuing to simply have longer days of actual day-light?
At my place of employment it's free Pastry Day til 1030 Friday! Not often but it has been known to happen. Who wouldn't love a fresh glazed donut waiting for you upon your arrival?!
People say that what we're all seeking is our own self-interests but I choose to disagree. Most people that I am privileged to know are basically self-less and seek God above all
The image I cherish most is actually being held in my Savior's arms one day.
And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing my mom and talking with my friend, Randy, tomorrow my plans include continuing to prepare/clean the house for the barrage of family members on Easter Sunday and spending time with my brother, Kevin, and my adorable niece, Elizabeth and Sunday, I want to attend
both Bible Class and Worship Services at Bethel Bible Church…it's been way too long!

10 More Mondays :)

2010-03-15T19:18:00.002-05:00

Today has been a great day! I actually got to school early and had time to set the room up with some "leprechaun tricks" (chairs turned over, items moved, mis-matched center toys, and green glitter spread throughout the room.) The students had such a good time trying to restore order to our classroom and searching for a note from the "leprechauns". The morning was filled with hugs, "I missed you's", and lots of giggles. The weather was beautiful so we went on a special walk to observe all the changes that the new season is bringing. No matter how yucky some of the days are, I know that I have the BEST job in the world and am so blessed to be employed where I am and to have the privilege of working with the best co-workers and so many wonderful families.

Stopped by Walmart after school (a usual dreaded task) but knowing that the sun would be shining when I left the store and headed home made it much easier. Requesting prayer for my mom who has injured her knee, my sister who is facing one of those "big-life-decisions", and my brother & his family as they will be out of touch while camping out for his kid's "Spring Break". So many people are in need right now…so grateful that God is far more aware and far more capable of meeting those needs. Praying that He will use me as His tool whenever and wherever needed.

Well, "Spring Break" is officially over. Ho-Hum...

2010-03-14T23:19:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, I return to work---to the classroom tasks, to the never-ending energies of children, and the insurmountable task of ever feeling "caught up". I so enjoyed the break and so enjoy my job but I am REALLY ready for this school year to be over. These past few months have been difficult and I feel like I'm swimming upstream. I am not tired of teaching; I love my little ones…I am just ready for a fresh start. There is still much to do to prepare these precious ones for kindergarten but the time between now and the end of school will FLY by, if the past is any indication.

Looks as if the Pre-K program will be moving to a full-day program next year and I think that will make a world of difference in my teaching attitude and in the "gist" of the daily schedules. Having 2 groups seems to be such a rush to cram everything needed in and I am simply wiped-out by the end of the day.

I was prayerfully considering returning to kindergarten but my principal encouraged me to stick with Pre-K for one more year b/c she thinks I will adore the new schedule and set-up. I should be in bed right now but my mind is going ninety to nothing with all the things coming up. I am praising God for having had this opportunity to rest and continually praying to find/make the balance between home, school, friends, etc. work better for the sake my physical, spiritual, and emotional health.

FRIDAY FILL-INS

2010-03-12T12:02:00.002-06:00

1. I am so looking forward to spending time with my mom, sister, and nephew Kaeden. Can't imagine how much one must love their own children because my niece and nephews fill my heart in more ways than I had ever imagined!
2. I'll clean out my school closet later. Simply couldn't bring myself to even enter the school building while on the "Spring Break".
3. When you get discouraged, call out to God and seek His counsel through His Word and His people.
4. Learning to "let go" and stop trying to be all and do all is a big part of my life right now.
5. If you need anything, don't count on others to know unless you kindly speak up.
6. I am so wanting to go camping for a trip.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to completing the organization of my new home-desk area, tomorrow my plans include cleaning off the cobwebs and such from the front and back porches and Sunday, I want to re-connect with friends that I've been neglecting and go worship my Heavenly Father!

Feeling good...

2010-03-12T11:15:00.005-06:00

Wow! This week off of work was exactly what I needed. Thank you, Lord, for providing for such a time.

I have been able to rest when needed, visit with a few precious friends, enjoy time with my mom, my sister & her family, and took the "me-time" to get re-focused and rejuvenated for WHATEVER the future may hold.

Joy and peace are returning to my soul after I was beginning to believe that may not ever be possible. God brought it to my attn. that I keep praying for ways to cope rather for complete healing; for Him to strengthen me rather than enabling me to rest in His strength. I am so prone to being a "do-er" that when "doing" wasn't working, all felt lost, and worthless. SO UNTRUE and I will not allow Satan lies to take me off track in my relationship with God for one more day!

I'm looking forward to this "fresh start" and "new beginnings". Time to deal with the past, put it in its place and move forward. Praising God for the opportunity and privilege to do so through and only because of Him.

Continuing the Journey

2010-01-31T22:51:00.003-06:00

I want so much to believe all that God has promised yet still struggle with so much doubt and uncertainty. If someone else is expressing the things that I am inwardly experiencing, I have the "right answers", the "proper Scriptures", and will faithfully pray for them. But for reasons I can't quite comprehend, I continue to feel as if I am the exception to the rule of God's grace, forgiveness, goodness, mercy and love even though I KNOW that is not true. I know that I am not to base my decisions, etc. on 'feelings' but on the Truths from God. But it can be so difficult at times; especially when the feelings come on so strong---even in the midst of sleep.

A friend recommended that I read and truly study a book by Robert McGee titled Search for Significance. I am praying for the Spirit to guide me to the truths in this book that I so desperately need to grasp hold of. I love my God and I know He loves me but the journey continues to be filled with moments of fear and weary and I know that is not what God intends for me in my relationship with Him.

Part 2: Returning to Blogging w/ Reflections, Renewal, & Rejuvenation

2010-01-09T14:56:00.002-06:00

A new year often seems like a fresh start; some say it as if the old has passed away & the new has begun. I love the concept but know, with certainty, that all of the occurrences in 2009 & the years past) are going to need more than a change of date to be reconciled, renewed and healed.

I am so thankful that, through Christ, each and every moment is a time of renewal and restoration. God doesn't work on an earthly time frame, but His timing is perfect. The start of a "new year" sounds full of promises & peace, but peace can only be found through Christ.

Father God,
I thank You for the gift of peace that is mine, only because of what Jesus has done. (Romans 5:1) Thank you for sending Christ at just the right time so that I may rejoice in the wonderful relationship I now have with You. (Romans 5:6, 10, 11) Lord, I praise You for the new life that came through the sacrifice and deliverance of Your Son. (Romans 6: 8, 9, 13)

Father, I thank You for the assurance that even though I grow weary at times; I have comfort & hope in the truth that whatever experiences occur are temporary & that Your Spirit will guide and sustain me. (2 Corinthians 5:2, 5) I thank You for the promises of newness, reconciliation, and restoration that are through Your love, by Christ's actions, rather than any time-table set by man. (2 Corinthians 5:17, 18, 21)

There are many circumstances in this world that break my heart. At times there are (and have been) words and actions that seem to crush my soul. Lord, I pray for the determination and discipline to not focus my mind on those things. Help me to gaze into Your compassionate eyes; to abide in Your loving arms; to fully think of the realities of heaven; & to always remember that my life is now in Christ and through Him, I am more than a conqueror. I am saved, secure, and filled with the presence of Your Spirit. (Colossians 3: 1-4, 10; Romans 8)

Father, I continue to battle with regret, bitterness, anger & hurts from the past, yet I continually feel the healing power of Your love, compassion, & mercy. Help me to rely on those precious gifts from You. Enable me to accept & allow the peace that comes from Christ to rule above all other emotions. (Colossians 3:15) Lord, help me to live each moment, prayerfully, before You with an understanding heart/mind, with an attitude of gratitude, and a mind grounded in Truth. May Your words live in my heart & may all I do and say be a true representation of Jesus & Your glory. (Colossions 3:16, 17)

Through the Blessings of Your Beloved Son, AMEN

Returning to blogging with reflections, renewal & rejuvenation

2010-01-09T11:16:00.004-06:00

I woke up this morning thinking about all that has occurred over the past 3 years. Circumstances and situations from late 2008 and through 2009 were weighing upon my heart. Seems that so much has occurred within that time frame.

Marcus' untimely death in November '08
David's possibly avoidable death in December '08
Scare with Doug regarding what thankfully was not a heart attack
My sister and her family moving out of town
Moderate-injury of my shoulder that caused a lot of aggravation and inconvenience
The AMAZING mission trip to Jamaica
A successful hosting of "Easter Sunday" with a huge number of family members
An enjoyable 1st sleepover at my house with both nephews and my niece
Re-connecting with my older sister after years of non-communication
Re-discovering old friends via Facebook
An ever-increasing deepening of my own relationship with God
Marital struggles that seemed inevitably to end badly yet God has blessed us with a sense of renewal and re-commitment
My brother, Kevin, being seriously injured while on-duty as a policeman
The miraculous births of Chloe, Riddick, Marcus, Sam and Joshua accompanied by the sadness of Joshua's death.
Amazing displays of faith exhibited by the following families during times of tragedy, illness, and loss: Turner, Hager, Smithies, Hall, Morrison, Graves, and Nolley.
Devastating physical, emotional, and mental repercussions from pharmaceutical/medicinal mistakes that led to deepening depression, a short-term hospitalization, and an extended-leave-of-absence from work due to "SSRI Discontinuation Withdrawal Syndrome"
The amazing "virtual friendships" established through blogging with many wonderful people including Carol, Denise, Gail W., Laura, Leila, Liz, Paula, Sande, Sue, and Tina.
The opportunity for "closure" with my dad before his expected, though untimely death on Christmas Eve '09 followed by a 'surreal experience' at his memorial services on New Year's Eve.

What a journey it has been. While thinking on these things, God allowed me a supernatural awareness and led me to His Words that have truly enlivened my heart, mind, and soul...now just to get my body to follow :o).

Due to time constraints, I must close for now but looking forward to returning with the blessed insights that God showed me this morning.

Desperate Need of Prayer

2009-10-10T08:14:00.004-05:00

I feel like my words have become a broken record but would greatly appreciate any and all prayers. The darkness of depression seems to be getting a stronger and stronger hold on my heart and though I KNOW it is not, my soul feels shattered and though I KNOW I am not, I feel more alone than I've ever felt.

I don't know if the return of this darkness is due to recent medicinal errors, possible hormonal abnormalities, or what the cause may be. I have a doctor's appointment this Thursday to continue counteracting the recent pharmaceutical mistakes and having blood-work and such done to check hormones, etc. I AM SO GRATEFUL that I have the privileges of a doctor's care and the availability of such but at this moment, Thursday seems to be an eternity away!

All of the good-ol'-tricks like exercising to increase endorphin levels, eating more protein, staying busy, getting adequate rest, holding fast to Scipture, listening to encouraging music, etc. do not seem to be helping though I'm sure it's not hurting either.

Thanks, in advance, for the prayers. ---Stacy

Say Yes to God Study: Becoming More...Lysa Terkhurst Ch. 1

2009-10-09T23:51:00.001-05:00

Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkhurst

Chapter 1: "Trying to be Good Enough"

(direct quotes from the book are noted in red)

Lysa's words in the Introduction on page 11 immediately took hold of my heart: "I want to help women not only know God's truth but also feel equipped to live it out in their everyday lives."

My soul is longing for for more than mind-information; I want heart-transformation. Lysa's past writings have never disappointed and I am looking forward to 'digging deep' in this study.

I found Lysa's words in Part 1 very encouraging: "It has taken me years to truly understand how to pursue God with all my heart." Those closest to me have told me that I'm my own worst critic and to hear from a woman that I truly admire admit that the pursuit is a process rather than something instantaneous was encouraging.

I was so touched by the honesty that Lysa shared about her personal journey of "Trying to be Good Enough". I could so relate to the endless pursuit of attempting to live up to the "labels" that were either assigned to me by others or self-imposed.

I continue to struggle with feeling secure in who I am in Christ and remain in what seems, at times, to be never-ending process of healing from past hurts. I've been religious my entire life but feel as if I only met Jesus 2-3 years ago. The quest of being completely fulfilled my God remains my ultimate goal but accepting God's TRUTHS about who I am rather than staying in the mindset of the long-time-believed flawed perceptions has proven to be harder than I ever imagined.

Without an ounce of arrogance, I can say that my mind holds much Biblical knowledge but allowing that knowledge to seep into the depths of my heart and become BELIEFS is difficult. I want the TRUTHS/PROMISES of God to mean more to me than they do. My faith is weak, my fears are strong and my willingness/ability to trust is slow.

I find myself, continually, sinfully holding tight to my sense of control rather than surrendering all to Christ. I want to be completely satisfied in and because of Christ but it seems I've a long way to go. My prayer is that God will allow/use Lysa's book to lead all of those participating in this study to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with Him.

I'll close with my soul in complete agreement with Lysa's prayer on page 20.

God, will You help me to have a deeper connection with You and find truer fulfillment as You transform every area of my life. That is the cry and desire of my heart...God, I want to see You. God, I want to hear You. God, I want to know You. So that I can follow hard after You every day.
For more insights on this chapter, visit Lelia. Be sure and read the comments and follow the links to the other study participants.

Proud of my brother!!

2009-09-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

Last week, my brother, Kevin was "recognized" (after being injured in the line of duty last Spring) by the State of Texas at the Capitol. His healing has been progressive and he is back at work full-time though still in the process of recovering. SO PROUD!! If you missed the story of what happened last March, just click the following link: March 2nd

In case you can't spot my older brother, he is the small, shy one of the group (ha!) Thanks for allowing me to boast-n-brag for a bit.

Upcoming Bible Study and simply "checkin' in"...

2009-09-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm having a harder time than I thought in re-joining the world of blogging. Hopefully, it's simply due to the start of the new school year...by the time I have the time to sit at the computer, my mind feels like a blank-slate filled with fatigue. I am so enjoying catching up on the post of my blogger-buddies but even stringing words to make a comment is proving difficult. Went to the dr. this past week, and began a round of antibiotics to fight off the "congestion crud" that is rampant throughout our campus right now. I went to bed last night at 7:30 (!!!) and have NOTHING but R & R planned for the weekend so hopefully, my brain will re-join the land of the living soon =-).

I am SO looking forward to the new on-line Fall Bible Study hosted by Lelia. The study will be based on Lysa TerKeurst's new book, Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl. LOVE the title and can't wait to delve into the book. Lysa is an amazing woman of God, as is Lelia.

For more information on how the online study goes, click on this link: Yes to God. Despite the lack of posting and "commenting", I am regularly in prayer for the ladies I've connected with through these studies. May God bless everyone with a safe and enjoyable weekend!

Sadness

2009-09-19T11:01:00.004-05:00

(Written in July 2009...posted now as a reminder of this journey)

Sadness felt deep within my soul.
Impossible to comprehend the purpose of my life.

Shattered heart, chaotic thoughts.

Frightening dreams. Never-ending days.

Wondering why, wondering how,
Wondering if this will pass.

Been here before, and it did come to pass
But for what? Only to return.

Past seems useless. Present seems overwhelming.
Future seems to be hold nothing but the same.

Reaching out in prayer, crying out in tears.
Comfort only comes in exhausted states of sleep.

Know my life is blessed. Know all could be worse.
Just doesn’t seem to matter, because it’s not what I want.

Difficult in relating. Not sure what to offer.
Made by God for God. Want that to hold more meaning.

Serving Him by serving others. Reaching out to those in need
What may I offer when darkness is this deep?

Felt the goodness. Loved the warmth of light
How it was extinguished I haven’t figured out.

Don’t want to give up, yet so tired of the fight.
Difficult handling events in both the day and night.

Plans to destroy would only pass along the hurt.

Have discovered that running away doesn't work.

But how long can a hurt last. I’ve all but been removed.
I haven’t invested nor risked. I think that pain would end soon.

Selfish desires from a soul so weary and raw.
I know God hears me, but I’m not hearing his response.

Death should not be an option, but I die a bit each day.
No do-able solutions. Must it stay this way?

Act better than I feel. Just do it comes it mind.
Service to others will place my pain aside.

Counseling has taught me many ways to cope.
And brought me into a relationship with the God of Loving Hope.

I know that God does love me. I know that He does care.
I’m ashamed that those facts alone don’t seem to be enough.

I want to be settled. I want to be content.
I want to be of service, but my energy seems all spent.

Revival of the soul has the most appealing sound.
Where must I go… what must I do for this revival to be found?

Friday Fill-Ins

2009-09-11T17:30:00.004-05:00

And...here we go!

That's a fun place to be.

Hey, rainclouds; I'm over here with our desperately-in-need-of-water yard!!

The possibilities include: being with God or against God. There is not an in-between.

Anything including chocolate ice cream is one of my favorite cool day recipes.

How will you know if you don't at least give it a try?

Tonight would be a perfect time for steady rain and a stormy sky.

And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to simply resting, tomorrow my plans include attending my cousin, Racheal's wedding and Sunday, I want to attend Bible class, begin the study in Isaiah and finish up some lesson-plan details for next week!

Returning to the land of blogging...

2009-09-04T23:55:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's good to be back and be in the process of 'catching up' with my blogging-buddies but the "break from technology" was a good one. Figured since time was limited right now, I'd begin with "FRIDAY FILL-INS"; if you want to play along, simply click on the capitalized words.

So much I wish I had the time to expand on right now but I'll leave some anticipatory remarks to remind myself what to come back to...

Marriage renewal IS occurring!
Re-connected with my big sister after a 9+ year disconnection.
Healthier relationships are being formed with my 2 siblings that have always remained in contact.
God-willing, I'm headed to Malaysia for a short-term mission trip in February! Never thought the school district would approve the leave of absence but all was approved within a matter of MINUTES!
A beginning of a school year unlike any other I've experienced in almost 16 years!
New local Bible study that I am so looking forward to!
Minor-but-aggravating health issues seem to be under control!
All babies are miraculous but 2 extra-special births have occurred within the past 3 weeks and on the same day!
Working situation has changed and though apprehensive at first, it's been an amazing transition.
2 Godly-women whom I've "known" are now considered friends and I feel so blessed!
Falling more & more in love with Jesus everyday and am so grateful that God is good ALL the time; despite worldly circumstances, attitudes, actions, and emotions!

Well, how's that for a few remarks?! =-) Now on to the "fill-ins".

Praying that all have a safe and enjoyable Labor Day weekend!

1. I feel very grateful for the "Labor Day Weekend". Not sure who is responsible for this particular holiday but THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!.

2. No-particular-destination-in-mind-driving with a good frame of mind and a great CD is always fun.

3. Right now, I can hear these things: neighborhood music blaring, dogs barking and the Cowboys last pre-season game.

4. Today is my friend, David's first birthday after his death last December. I miss him more than I ever thought possible and I'm glad that he is no longer in pain and that God blessed me with the unconditional love and friendship with this amazing man.

5. The last time I saw my 'baby sister' and her baby was in June...longest time EVER without seeing her and I'm experiencing withdrawal pains.

6. Did I express HOW grateful that I am for this Labor day weekend?!? =-)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to mindlessly watching the Cowboys game, tomorrow my plans include sleeping in and catching up on neglected chores and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, spend some school-district money ;), and plan for something FUN to do on Monday!

"Officially" taking a blogging-break

2009-07-17T00:21:00.004-05:00

The above Scripture from the book of Romans is my prayer for all my "blogging-buddies" throughout the rest of your summer season.

Here I sit on July 17th and can't believe how quickly this summer break is passing by. I am simply too wiped out to think straight these days so I am going to take a blogging-break until at least mid-August but look forward to catching up with all of you then. I will continue to pray for the needs and cares of those of which I am aware. Love and prayers especially go out to Carol, Denise, Tina, Laura, Liz, and Lelia.

For those who were following the posts on SHAME OFF YOU or EMBRACE GRACE, I will post the remainder of those thoughts when I return. May God bless each of you and keep You safe in His arms.

In Him,

Stacy

Daily Gratitudes # 9

2009-07-12T00:54:00.002-05:00

I keep a sidebar for my "Daily Gratitude". I enjoy having these moments of appreciation. I couldn't, possibly, list all that I am grateful for each day but having the simple reminder to keep an "attitude of gratitude" is proving to be worthwhile. I keep the sidebar posts going but 'cut and paste' that list when it gets lengthy.

I am grateful for:

July 11: for re-connecting with my friends, Kara and Karen, through facebook. Fun!

July 10: for days of feeling well and enjoying the simple things.

July 9: for days of solitude and peace to spend time in God's Word.

July 8: for my husband, Wayne and my friend, Jim, who both lovingly speak the truth and who are very patient with tears. I am blessed by their friendships.

July 7: for our loving, caring neighbors.

July 6: for my wonderful physician, Linda Roper, who really takes the time to listen.

July 5: for an enjoyable evening with my mom and my Aunt Susan.

July 4: for the safety of my brother-in-law, Raynard, on his return from Honduras and the safe
trip home of my friends returning from the Jamaican 2 Mission Trip.

July 3: for being blessed with a beyond-understanding husband, mom and aunt when I am feeling physically and emotionally worn out. I love you, Wayne, Mom and Aunt Susan =)

July 2: for an enjoyable afternoon of eating out and a movie with my friend, Cheryl and for an enjoyable dinner out with my husband, Wayne.

July 1: for having easy access to air conditioning and clean water. May God bless those who don't have these privileges.

June 30: for lazy summer days to sleep in when I can't sleep at night.

sat july 11

2009-07-11T01:17:00.001-05:00

Saturday, July 11, 2009
I just realized that as I typed out the date, that yesterday was the ‘anniversary’ of Kelly’s death and today marks the ‘anniversary’ of Elaine’s. That means in the ‘anniversary’ of Granddaddy’s death will be in 2 days. Wonder if that has been weighing on my heart even without realizing it.
Anyway, I don’t know that I’ve ever been prompted by a mental battle to get out of bed at a much earlier time than usual and get busy. But I feel that is what has happened today. I’ve been asking God to show me all the ways in which I may be hindering my growth in Him. Unwillingness to let go has been obvious for a while. That unwillingness has been ground in sinful defiance, self-reliance, and on my heart this morning, is the concept of forgiveness. Actually, un-forgiveness is what has come to my attention.
As I lay in bed this morning, I was arguing with myself about the concept of un-forgiveness.
It was as if a 2-sided conversation was going on within my soul.
Mind: I have forgiven. I’ve moved on.
Heart: Running away and moving on aren’t the same thing.
Mind: Well, I have forgiven.
Heart: No you haven’t. Forgiveness occurs when one truthfully acknowledge how they’ve been sinned against and how they have sinned against God and others.
Mind: I have acknowledged all that has happened, how I’ve responded and what I’ve done---both the good and the bad choices.
Heart: No, you haven’t. Reporting (acknowledging) the details is not the same as accepting the hurts and taking the responsibility for you own sins.
Mind: I have accepted the hurt. I’ve cried and been angry. I’ve asked God to forgive me. What else do you want?
Heart: Actions and acceptance aren’t the same thing either. You “report” to yourself, to God, and to Jim the facts. When emotions truly surface, You, flippantly, push all that aside so not to have the deal with pain and anger and if you can’t push it aside, you let it overwhelm you for all of the wrong reasons.
Now I sit here and consider making a visual list of things that I need to forgive and things of which I need to ask forgiveness. That consideration, in and of itself, makes my chest hurt and brings up intense uneasiness. Does the uneasiness come because I still lack the trust or is the uneasiness a physical warning to step back?
I may be responding too academically here but I’m going to begin with searching out the Scriptures that relate to issues of forgiveness.

Friday Fill-Ins (#132) ( a lil' bit early)

2009-07-09T22:52:00.003-05:00

(HAPPY FRIDAY TO ALL!! For more "Friday-fill-ins", click on the link above.)
And...here we go!

1. The last thing I ate was frosted mini-wheats and cereal.

2. A new Study Bible is something I recently bought.

3. When it rains, it makes me want to put on some comfortable PJ's, curl up in a soft chair and read a good book.

4. My husband was the first person I talked to today.

5. Hugs are welcome on most days.

6. Chocolate adds extra comfort to days where hugs aren't welcome.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a movie, tomorrow my plans include cleaning the house and Sunday, I want to begin re-organizing my guest room after attending A.M. Worship Services!

ABC's of the Word: V

2009-07-09T12:26:00.009-05:00

(For more ABC's of the Word using the letter V, visit the link above.)

Father, Help me to believe, with all certainty,

that the victory is Yours.

Since the victory belongs to You,

then so does the battle.

Please get rid of my arrogant pride, and schemes

for self-protection.

Help me to, fully, accept

that I don’t have to even be on the battlefield.

I can retreat into Your loving, capable, protective arms

and know that my battle is over.

The fight is not mine,

because I am no longer mine.

I am Yours,

and I CHOOSE to trust

in Your protection and guidance.

AMEN

Embrace Grace CHAPTER 3: Embrace Faith

2009-07-08T21:29:00.002-05:00

(Direct words from the book are noted in red. For more info. on this study, click on the "Yes to God" button or visit Lelia here.)

Ms. Higgs begins this chapter with:

"Faith is not an act of man; it is an act of God, drawing us to Him."

She encourages the reader by saying that for faith to begin only requires one simple step. One must allow God to do the work---"...leave the burden of proof to Him.. He will not disappoint You." God's unlimited love for us was discussed. The following words really touched my heart:

"Faith is not something you fall back on; faith is something you step into."

The chapter presented Scripture after Scripture that emphasized the astoundingly comforting thought that God IS on our side. We don't have to live in fear, regret, or shame because "A constant awareness of His superiority keeps things in perspective and frankly, takes the pressure off." Ms. Higgs discusses the reverential fear of God and how all relationships that are healthy are based on respect.

This chapter was so very encouraging to me. Ms. Higgs noted that those in the Lord will still face the challenges of life but that "...trouble is no longer spelled with a capital T." She encourages the reader to turn their fear to wonder and then turn that wonder into faith. I was, also, introduced to a "new" Scripture:

The fear of the Lord leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched, by trouble. (Proverbs 19:23)

End of the Chapter Questions:

What does "faith in God" mean to you? Having faith in God allows you to trust , even in and with the unknown, because of the fact that there is NOTHING unknown to God and He does not allow ANYTHING that won't eventually result in the furtherance of His good and perfect will.
If you imagined Jesus looking at you, what might you see in His eyes? I, once, believed I'd see disappointment, anger, shame, and possibly sadness IF He even chose to look my way. Thankfully, Truth (with a capital letter T) is allowing me to know that I would see compassion, forgiveness, pride, gentleness, and possibly even tears of joy.
Since we cannot physically look upon the Lord's face, then where do we turn to "see" Him? to Scripture, to His creation, to the innocence of children, and to other believers who aim to imitate Christ in their lives

Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence

2009-07-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

This devotional book, Jesus Calling… is unlike any other devotional book I have ever read. There is a short devotional for each day of the year. The 8-page introduction offers insights and references specific materials that motivated the writing of this remarkable “gift book“.

The author, Sarah Young, shares how she regularly journals in her daily devotions with God. She tells the readers of the amazing occurrences that led her personal prayer journaling to become more of a dialogue, rather than a monologue. The book is written from the perspective of Christ “speaking” to the reader. This perspective adds a meaningful, personal touch based on specified Scriptures from the One who loves us most.

Each daily “conversation” reads like a love letter from the Savior and Creator of our universe. Scripture is skillfully woven into each devotional with Scriptural references available on each page. I found this book to be the perfect lead-in to my personal prayer time.

God has worked through Mrs. Young’s penned words to bring the reader into a reverential, awe-inspiring, time of communing with the Lord. These daily devotionals will soften your heart and transform your thoughts through an enriching private time of devotion. Highly recommended!

Friday Fill-Ins (#131)

2009-07-03T11:00:00.004-05:00

For more fill-ins, click on the link above. Hope all enjoy the holiday weekend!

And...here we go!

1. When I heard July 1st on the radio I couldn't believe the summer break is almost 1/2 way over!! So much still to do...

2. Prayer, faith, laughter, and good friends are the best medicines.

3. It's late, but sleep still won't come.

4. God is with me always.

5. My eyes have seen many wonderful things.

6. We are strongly in need of rain!!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to reading my new book: Jesus Calling, tomorrow my plans include 4th of July get-together with in-laws and Sunday, I want to see my friends who will have returned from Jamaica and hear about their trip!

Embrace Grace CHAPTER 2: Embrace Doubt

2009-07-01T11:17:00.009-05:00

(Words directly from book are noted in red.) For more info. on this study or this book, click on the pictorial links.

"God meets us where we are. Even if we aren't looking in His direction, He is always looking in ours"

There was a time in my life that words such as above struck fear in my heart. I, obviously, wasn't viewing God as He presents Himself in His Word. Now, I can't seem to hear enough of how: "...He watches over all who live on earth." (Psalm 33)

I LOVE that there is no place that I can hide from God nor is there a need for me to hide. God's love for me and the fact that He actually desires a relationship with me is still beyond my comprehension yet I am filled with loving gratitude.

In this chapter, Ms. Higgs told of one who explained how she felt that she was never good enough. Those words still sting my heart. I grew up in a home and in a religion where I felt that I could never measure up. I was never good enough. Whatever bad came my way was deserved. Those types of thoughts and emotions are hard to live with.

When I realized that God's acceptance of me was not based on my goodness, but ON HIS, I tasted a freedom I'd never known. God knows I can never measure up and has provided for that fact through Christ---not through punishment. PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE!

"When we come to the end of ourselves, God is just getting started,"

Though I KNOW those words to be true, this is an area where I still struggle with doubt. When things aren't going well/when I am in pain/when I can't make sense of anything...the last place I usually turn is towards God. I, mistakenly, look to myself to make things better or assume that I've finally done enough to cause God's abandonment. Unfortunately, this continues to be a regular struggle but I am slowly learning to hold fast to the truth in these words spoken by God: "...My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I often struggle with the purpose for my life. The book reiterates the Biblical concept that:

"...you were made to love God and to be loved by Him."

I do find hope in those words but doubt that I am fulfilling that purpose well. My life is not at all as I imagined it would be---not necessarily, bad---just not as I'd hoped/planned. And those type of feelings do lead to unsettling moments of doubt. I LOVED these words from the book:

"God loves you. Not because you are good, but because you are His...The day we realize we're not perfect is the the day we start asking 'Who is perfect? Who is good?"

That moment of realization is TRANSFORMATIONAL!! Yet another praise.

Ms. Higgs discussed the doubts of the disciples in Luke 24: 38-39 and brought out a fact that I'd never considered before. She emphasized how Christ did not punish the disciples for their doubts; he simply addressed their concerns.

"In face of our doubt, the Lord offers a sure word of encouragement." Mark 5:36: Don't be afraid; just believe."

END OF THE CHAPTER QUESTIONS:

What doubts or fears---about God, about faith, about heaven---do you harbor in your heart? My lack of whatever will cause the abandonment of God

Pinpoint any experiences in your life that might have triggered such uncertainty. Actual abandonment, several unexpected losses through untimely deaths, betrayals in a few relationships

What would it take for you to put aside your doubts and fears and "just believe"? Continual prayer, willingness to risk, DAILY moment-by-moment surrendering to the TRUTH of His Words, Continually hiding Scriptures in my heart

For more insights on this book study, visit http://www.leliachealey.blogspot.com/

Daily Gratitudes # 8

2009-06-30T01:21:00.004-05:00

I am thankful for:

June 29: for the safe arrival of my friends on a mission trip to Jamaica.
June 28: for celebrating 12 years of marriage. I love you, Wayne.
June 27: for the solidifying of plans and transportation for the Jamaica 2 Mission Team.
June 26: for the opportunity to re-connect with "my youth minister" via facebook. Good to talk with you, Keith.
June 25: for understanding and supportive friends. I love you so much, Brittney, Randy, Jim, and Wayne. Thank you for your patience, perseverance, and prayers.
June 24: for the ability to reconnect with "old friends" through facebook. Looking SO forward to seeing Sheila and it was great to "talk" with Keith and Brittney.
June 23: for an enjoyable evening with my mom and for her yummy quesadillas. Love you, Mom!
June 22: for lazy days filled with sunshine, rest, and replenishment.
June 21: for my father-in-law who loves us all well and continually gives of himself to help others. I love you, Audie, and am so glad that you are my father-in-love.
June 20: for Summer Bible Study opportunities.
June 19: for working in a community that pulls together during times of grief.
June 18: for the privilege of daily prayer and having easy accessibility to God's Word.
June 17: for the silly antics of my dog that bring about smiles and laughter.
June 16: for being able to regularly communicate with friends conveniently through email, facebook and this blog.
June 15: for a day filled with sunshine and relaxation at home.
June 14: for having the opportunity to spend the weekend with Wayne and getting to know Sandra and Raynard better. Good weekend filled with ooo's, ahh's, and laughter.
June 13: for un-unexpected fun with my husband, Wayne, his sister, Sandra, and her husband, Raynard, while touring the "Parade of Homes"

Friday Fill-Ins (#130)

2009-06-26T00:06:00.004-05:00

For more "fill-ins", click on the image below. And...here we go! My responses are in red. Happy Friday to all!!

She has a great attitude. Despite all of the sufferings and chaos in her world, she continues to walk with God while sharing smiles, hugs, and helping hands to others around her. I love you, Coralee.

God is by my side, always.

I know this: I am created by God for God. My life is not my own.

Being still is sometimes the most difficult thing in life to do.

These words apply to me: ...weary, hopeful, impatient.

Today the sun was shining and it was a very hot 100 degrees.

And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to reading in my newly received book and studying in my newly bought ESV Bible, tomorrow my plans include clearing out the storage room and Sunday, I want to be there to see off the "Jamaica 2" team before they leave at 3 a.m. (!!!) for their amazing mission trip to Jamaica; I was so blessed to be a member of the "Jamaica 1" team last March!

Embrace Grace CHAPTER 1: An Open Door

2009-06-24T01:00:00.015-05:00

Here marks my beginning of Chapter 1 of the Summer "Say Yes to God" study. Direct quotes from the book are noted in red.

My first response to this book was "WOW...it had me at hello". The written reviews by others that were included on the back cover and within the first few pages of the book, immediately had me thirsting for more. I was unfamiliar with the Bible verse that began the chapter:

"See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut."

Loved those words. Simple yet profound! As I began reading the chapter, I felt as if I were reading a letter from a long-lost friend. At the risk of sounding a bit strange, I felt immediately welcomed by this book. Higgs penned the words: "There are also things about you that I do know because we share them: the need to be loved unconditionally, the desire to live a life that truly matters...who wears past failures and present mistakes..."

I immediately felt a kindred spirit which is still a fairly new 'thing' for me. I've written before how closed off my heart has been for such a long time. I was the girl who could be whatever she needed to be so to avoid conflict and chaos. Being true to myself didn't hold much meaning because I wasn't even sure who I was, much less who I was supposed to be.

My experiences in this blogging-world have been a tremendous blessing. For reasons beyond my understanding, I have been able to "lay out my heart" in ways I'd never allowed myself to do so before. This sharing brought people into my life who empathized, sympathized, encouraged, prayed, and helped me to stay on the track leading to THE Love like no other. Because of the acceptance felt within 'cyberspace', I became better able to step out and risk being "real" with those who are a tangible part of my daily life and I have been TRULY BLESSED.

I am so thankful that Lelia did choose to 'host' this study. God is already speaking to my heart and I sense amazing changes going to take place. Lelia is an amazing woman of God and I am thankful that she has allowed God to use her in such a way to be such a huge blessing to so many, including myself.

On page 4 of the book, I wrote within the margins, "Yay for the opportunity and privilege!" in regards to the author's words: "...slipping off the old and putting on the new. Letting go of the past and embracing freedom with our whole hearts." It seems that every day, God is breaking a shackle on the chains I've carried in my soul and each taste of freedom leaves me yearning for more.

While the author discussed the meaning of an embrace, it dawned on me that my only remembrance of being held in a true embrace occurred just 3-4 years ago on a very upsetting day. I felt like too much was being asked of me but hadn't a clue on how to put an end to the madness. Once my tears began, I was overtaken by sobs that felt as if they were coming from someone else. A deeply treasured friend took hold of me in the most loving way and I had never known such comfort. That was an experience within the embrace of a mere person. Oh, how I long for that sort of embrace from my Heavenly Father's arms.

Grace was defined as "...God's word for love, expressed through divine forgiveness." I am amazed at how such a simple definition filled me with such gratitude and peace.

The statements shared within this chapter further deepened my new-found awareness that there are many women who are kindred spirits because of the sharing of similar emotions and circumstances. The Scriptures that are noted within these first 17 pages brought such joy and hope. Most were familiar words but God enabled me to see them in a fresh light. I love when He does that!!

I am looking forward to the continuation of this book. Higgs wrote of her hopes of this book being "...at least a field guide, tracing a well-worn footpath from doubt to belief, pointing us away from shame and toward...a trustworthy hope based on the realities of countless lives changed by a leap called faith into the arms of a hero called Faithful and True." Within my heart, my bags are packed and I am READY for this journey.

The chapter ended with 3 poignant questions. I wanted to include my response to one of the questions.

"What words do you wish God would whisper in your ear?

You are Mine; always have been, always will be.
I am here for you. You don't have to earn My loving care, you only have to accept it.
I love you.
I want you.
Let Me hold you.
You have Someone to rely on. I won't disappoint you. I won't abandon you. I won't mis-use your trust.
I am here whenever you look to/for Me.
Don't worry. All is under My control.
You are safe with Me. I am all the Protection you need.
I won't hurt you.
I will not abuse the faith you place in Me.
I am a constant source of love, compassion, and mercy.
Trust in Me. I will not let you down.
I want you to have life---a life centered on the goodness of Me.
You don't have to guard your heart, your mind, your body. I am your Protector and glad to be so.
Don't be afraid. Rely on Me. I only want what is best for you.
I'm sorry for the sins committed against you. I'm sorry for the sins you've committed. You are set free from those burdens of guilt and shame. Abide in Me and I will make you whole.
You are forgiven.
You are healed.
You are welcome to be with Me at all time, in all places, and in any circumstance.
I am not only your Father, I am your Friend.
No love for you is greater than Mine.

As I considered my answers, my heart began to feel the presence of comfort, hope and joy because what I want to hear whispered is said loud and clear in Scripture. I, simply, must choose what and who to believe. And that choice becomes easier to make with each passing day.

Shame Off You...Chapter 6: For Want of a Mom and Dad

2009-06-21T22:27:00.004-05:00

(Direct quotes from the book are noted in a different color.)

Wright explored the following concepts in this chapter:

there being no source of shame that is more fundamental than the shame felt in a broken family
the most important process in development is learning how to trust that someone else is there for us and knowing that the acceptance will be a constant simply because you "belong" to someone

The chapter examined how shame-based people have difficulty celebrating the success of another because the exultation of another prompts feelings of rejection. Biblical examples of the prodigal son's brother and Joseph (Old Testament).

Much detail was given in regards to how Joseph personified shame-free living:

Joseph resisted temptation (Genesis 39:8-9)
Joseph's immediate acceptance of Pharaoh's offer after being imprisoned for 2+ years (Genesis 41:41)
Joseph's willingness/ability to readily forgive (Genesis 50:21)

The words I found to be most "stinging" and "revealing" were:

"Shame ultimately objectifies a person. You are not valued for your personhood...(or) for relationship. You are worth only what you can do for me."

"Every concession of integrity in order to gain the payment of acceptance from others is an unseen prostitution of our souls."

Prostitution seemed like such a harsh word but made complete sense in his explanation. One of those moments of realization that you can't begin to heal until you admit there's an illness.

Wright further illustrated the heaviness of shame and deepness of want through his telling of a child who had recently been adopted. This child refused to leave the 1st place that she experienced fun with her adoptive family. She didn't want to leave because of her belief that once she left, she'd never be able to return. She couldn't comprehend the truth in the words: "You're adopted now. You will see greater things than this. You won't be abandoned ever again." The child's situation had changed but not her mindset.

I could so relate to the young girl. I keep refusing to let go of my 'known ways' and trust wholeheartedly in what the Lord promises to be greater things.

Shame Off You...Chapter 5: "Shame or Godly Conviction"

2009-06-21T22:20:00.001-05:00

Before beginning Chapter 5, I wanted to backtrack and include the ABC ending format of Chapter 4 which was previously posted.

Chapter 4 ended with:

Ask: What hidden "hornet" is stinging on me?
Believe:

Shame is insidious...(I included this passage in the last post)
Shame's invitation is : "Hide from God lest you be condemned." Jesus' invitation is: "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
I do not have to hide my pain from God and others in order to avoid shame. In fact, when I expose my shame to God and others, my healing can begin.

Choose: I choose today to quit hiding the things that I'm ashamed of. I will trust God and someone else enough to share what hurts me so that it won't keep stinging me.

Now on to Chapter 5. As usual, direct quotes from the author are noted in a different color. This was an amazing chapter. I loved the following words: "True conviction comes not at the sound of God's displeasure in us, not at the moment He turns the light on brightly enough for us to see our imperfections." The author discussed the importance of our ability to differentiate between shame and conviction using the "prodigal son" as an example.

The son recognized how poorly his life was going
The son realized that the continuance of this lifestyle would result in destruction
The son acknowledged his father's riches in comparison to his sin-induced poverty thus leading to thoughts of repentance
The son returned to his father and admitted his unworthiness. This admittance led to the acceptance of his father's grace.

Other important points made by the author included the following:

"Conviction causes us to feel closer to God. Shame causes us to feel distant from God."
When unsure if what you are feeling is conviction or shame, ask yourself: "Am I being drawn to the love of God or do I feel like running away?"
Emphasized how the nature of God's kingdom revolves around celebration.
"God's love is not a reward for the righteousness it is a gift to the repentant."

Conclusion of chapter:

Ask: When have I confused the voices of shame and conviction?

Believe: A Principle to Ponder

"Oddly, nothing had ever felt better or more real or more satisfying than those hot ears and those seemingly self-deprecating words rolling on into the mystery of God's holy presence. While I had never felt worse about my sin, I had never felt so hopeful about my future"
It's good to see my sin. Only then can I walk a better path. It is possible to be full of remorse for my mistakes while being infinitely hopeful for my future.

Choose: I choose today to risk going to my Father, telling Him that I have sinned, that I long for His forgiveness and I will expect Him to forgive me, hold me, and teach me.

ABC's of the Word: S

2009-06-18T02:37:00.005-05:00

Father, as I searched for Scriptures incorporating the letter Ss, I kept being led to verses that encouraged the seeking of your will. This particular verse really touched me with the phrase "...with all your heart." Lord, I am struggling with the "all" part of Your words. I approach You regularly with praise, reverence, confession and petition yet I know, deep within, that I have not searched you with my all. I am having such difficulty with entrusting You to care for my ultimate protection. I keep relying and failing at my attempts to "do more"--"try harder"---etc. God, please cleanse my heart and clear my mind from this sinful way that I have allowed to become a habitual form of behavior. I know, in my head, that it is not what You are calling me towards because these attempts simply lead to feelings of failure, despair, and guilt. Lord, I want to give You my all. I want to seek You with all of my heart. Please break this stronghold within my beliefs that I am, ultimately, responsible for me and my life. I claim to have died to You but foolishly keep trying to resurrect my old ways and then find myself in despair while wondering why the 'old ways' aren't working. Help me to take off the old and place on the new. I can only do this through Your strength and Your mercy. AMEN

On-Line Summer Study Begins June 23rd :)

2009-06-16T21:16:00.009-05:00

Once again, Lelia, from Write from the Heart, is hosting an on-line study for the summer. Please check out her site for more details on how to "join". I have cut and pasted some of the information that Lelia has posted regarding the study based on Embrace Grace by Liz Curtis Higgs:

let me share just a little something with you from the heart of Liz...
Wherever you are spiritually, whatever you have been through emotionally, you are already wrapped in the Lord's embrace. Held close by nail-scarred hands. Enfolded in the
arms of One who believes in you, supports you, treasures you, and loves you.
He is waiting for you to embrace Him in return. To accept the gift He's offering you. To listen for the whispered words you've longed a lifetime to hear: You are loved. All is forgiven.

This is just what I need this summer.
8 chapters.
3 questions at the end of each chapter.
145 short pages.

Please join us in learning how to embrace the grace that God has offered.

Deepening Awareness

2009-06-15T13:24:00.005-05:00

As I sit at the house, alone, today with my sweet pup, Bailey, I feel a deepening change of my attitude and heart. I feel as if God is releasing me from trying so hard to make sense of the past and to place my reliance upon Him for the future. I know that there remains much healing of my soul to be done but a fresh sense of hope is finally breaking between the dark clouds that I've become accustomed to over the past couple of years.

Even though many of the situations remain the same, I now understand that I am not the sole cause of some circumstances nor can I be the redeemer of such. I am, literally, exhausted from all of the "trying" to make things as I would like them to be. I am, relieved, to know that God never expected me to do or to be all the things that I've attempted. My weariness is well-earned but was ultimately un-neccessary and I find that to be relief in and of itself---simply knowing that I don't have to continue down this path nor do I ever have to travel its way again.

God is good, despite the circumstances, situations, and happenings around me, and I am SO thankful that not only is He my God, but He is my Savior, my Guide, my Protector, my Friend.

Daily Gratitudes # 7

2009-06-15T13:16:00.001-05:00

I am thankful for:

June 12: for the "blogging world" and the precious people God has brought into my life through this avenue of communication. Thanks, at this time, especially to Denise, Lelia, Sue, Tina, & WB. Your words of encouragement and thoughtful prayers mean a lot!
June 11: for the safety and security that is mine because of God blessing me as an American citizen
June 10: for an enjoyable "sleep-over" with my nephews and niece. Late nite, movies, games, laughter, and junk food. Hard to beat that kind of fun. :)
June 9: for the graciousness of my sister who has stepped in when I felt as if I couldn't take another step.
June 8: for good friends when I am overwhelmed by raw emotions.
June 7: for fun times with my family
June 6: for a fun evening with my mom, my brother, my sister, and their children which included a chilly nite swim at Nanny's apt. pool.
June 5: for a simple day at home to catch up on household tasks.
June 4: for the safe arrival of my sister, Sheryl, and her precious baby boy, Kaeden :)
June 3: for the promises of God that He will provide me with wisdom when I ask Him for such.
June 2: for a relaxing day at home...for the chance to talk on the phone with my brother, sister, sister-in-law, niece, nephews and a treasured friend. Love you all: Sheryl, Kevin, Angel, Allen, Elizabeth, Kaeden, and Randy...for an enjoyable dinner out with my husband: Thank you, Wayne...and for a nice evening of visiting with my mom. Summer is off to a great start!
June 1: to have the task of "shutting down my classroom" for the summer. The long-awaited break has truly begun!!

RAP: Relinquishment

2009-06-15T13:15:00.000-05:00

Relinquishment

My heart is breaking with
No tears to spare.
My mind wonders
Will pain always be there?

Some sympathize but
Few understand.
I'm grateful all,
Is in God’s loving hands.

Unanswered questions;
Lingering ache.
Smiling facade but,
Contentment's hard to fake.

Lord, I know I'm Yours.
You are aware.
Father, help me

To leave ALL in in Your care.

Stacy Golden

June 2009

Prayerfully seeking any thoughts/advice...

2009-06-11T16:53:00.005-05:00

The following is a condensed version of a letter that I, recently, sent to a wonderful friend who is one of the most loving, Godly people I've ever met. The counsel I received was heartfelt, reassuring, guiding, and helpful. I just felt led to post these words in hopes that additional words of wisdom may be shared because time is of the essence and I still feel very un-convicted about what to do. Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to read and comment. I will sincerely appreciate any and all input.

I am dealing with such a sense of sadness; not in the sense of despair but a sadness that places an ache in my heart that is accompanied by a sense of emotional suffocation. I was reading the Biblical definition of love, according to 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

The Webster dictionary defines love as:

Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; Warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion; Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

I can’t recall my dad ever having, genuinely, shown any of the above characteristics. I can recall one instance of possible sincerity but if it was, it was short-lived and ridiculed in future interactions. When I think of my dad, these descriptions come to mind: irritable, critical, indifferent, appalling, mean, two-faced, dangerous, harmful, unreliable, dishonest, con-artist, liar, thief, resentful, arrogant, insensitive, self-centered, condescending show-off, vulgar, destructive, disrespectful, criminal on several accounts, abusive (in all senses of the term), impatient, prejudiced, inconsiderate and unbearable.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why with knowing those things about him, do I still care about him and care about what he thinks of me?!? I hope that I would be more concerned if he did actually desire to have a relationship with me.

He doesn’t love me. He didn’t love me. And that fact, alone, has broken my heart. I realize, in my head, that the reality of that says more about him than it does me, but it hurts just the same. In my heart come the questions like why didn’t he love me? Why doesn’t he care? What did I do or not do? What did I lack? How did I disappoint him? How can I make it up to him? What was he looking for that I didn’t have? Why didn’t I have ‘it’?

Over the years, some have told me that my dad loved me as best as he knew how. Just days ago, my husband told me that my dad loved me as much as he was capable of loving. I may be wrong about this but those statements really offend me. I don’t believe that my dad was incapable or unknowing; he had choices to make. Even if it were a matter of incapability, there were choices made along the way that led to that proposed result. He could have done things differently. He could have chosen kinder words. He could have changed his vulgar words and actions. He could have attempted to make things right. He could have lived a life of honesty and integrity rather than one of destructiveness, thievery, hatefulness, and abuse. He could’ve done a lot of things but he chose not to. I realize that he had a crappy dad who treated all within his family horribly but so what…I, along with many others, had a crappy dad and chose not too be the kind of person that he has shown himself to be.

I disrespect the man. I despise him. I resent him. I am angry with him. BUT I don’t want him to be in pain. I can’t stand the thought of him being destroyed by cancer. I can’t fathom the concept of his spending eternity in hell. I want him to be physically okay yet at the same time, I wish him gone from my life, from my mind, from my heart, from my memories. I hate that I can’t seem to simply place him in the furthest recesses of my heart and mind.

I don’t want to go against God’s commands to “honor your father and mother” but how do I go about showing honor to one who is so dishonorable? I know that command doesn’t have conditions tied to it…it doesn’t say “honor your…if they…” What does God expect from one in this kind of situation? Part of me wants to reach out to my Dad, yet again…but the larger part of me wants to stay as far away as possible but in doing that, am I being too self-protective, judgmental and critical---which are some of the very things that I find so detestable about him?

I feel badly that my brother is the only one of 4 children who regularly communicates with the man. Am I being unfair in allowing my brother to be the one who attempts to maintain a relationship with our Dad? What are my responsibilities to my him and to my dad? Do I offer to help financially? Do I do nothing unless specifically asked? Do I seek information on the status of our Dad or just let my brother continue to tell me what he wants to, if and when he wants to? Do I make myself available regardless of the probable personal attacks (verbal, emotional, and potential physical) that will come?

I am weary and unsure what I am to do or even if I am to do anything. I keep praying and searching Scripture but have yet to find any clarity on this issue. ANY guidance here would be much appreciated.

Thanks,
Stacy

Shame Off You...Chapter 4: "The Sting of a Hidden Hornet"

2009-06-07T00:25:00.011-05:00

(Words directly from the book are noted in a different color.)

This chapter began on the premise that there is no one who does not have some degree of inner pain deep within their soul. Wright told of a time when his wife was behaving strangely, at one of those pivotal pastoral moments, because of a hornet repeatedly stinging her under her dress. He commented on how she had to choose between enduring the pain of the hornet's sting or enduring the shame in her attempts to stop the pain. He made an analogy with these words:
"Only when the pain of the sting gets worse than the pain of the shame do people become willing to let their agony be known."

The author then went on to discuss how Adam and Eve felt no shame at the beginning of their existence. He noted how "In a shame-free relationship, every ounce of their energy went into exploring their future rather than covering their tracks." He discussed how shame caused Adam and Eve to make coverings to hide themselves. I loved his phrasing that "God didn't yank off their fig leaves; He gave them a better set of clothes." He placed emphasis on how the better covering required the sacrifice of blood (animal skins) and how Jesus has permanently covered our shame through the shedding of His blood.

Another direct quote that spoke directly to my heart: "Shame is insidious. It inflicts not only the pain...but it begins a cycle that blocks us from taking the only steps that can help us feel better...One of shame's greatest goals is to get you hiding from God because God's rewards go to seekers not hiders."

My hiding began around the age of 6 and lasted well into my 30's. I became a master at manipulating situations where my pain wasn't evident. I hadn't allowed even my closest friends, including God, into the areas of my soul that had long been hidden away. When I made the initial decision to stop hiding, I played and re-played the following song by Susan Ashton. I literally wore out the CD as I drove to counseling to remind myself of the importance of being open and honest. That has been close to 2 years ago and the journey of discovery which included the beginning of a "real" relationship with God has been the most joyous, though often painful, experience of my life.

"Hide and Seek" sung by Susan Ashton

(from her CD: So Far..the Best of Susan Ashton)

Another morning comes along,

Both sides of the bed seem wrong

You still paint your brave face on anyway

Everyday you want to quit

Tryin' to make the pieces fit

But you pretend you’re liking it---this game we play

For years, you’ve kept your wounded heart so well disguised

But now the game is up and you’ve got to decide

Is it gonna be hide or seek?

Is it gonna be win or lose?

Is it gonna be pride that keeps you from the love that can save you

Isn’t it worth a try?

There’s nothing for you to fear

You can’t deny the burning question here

Is it gonna be hide or seek?

Composure is your only goal

Don’t wanna bear your trembling soul

But if you let your defenses go then you would learn

You don’t have to wear that mask

You are loved no questions asked

There is no test to pass,

no grade to earn

For years, you’ve kept your wounded heart locked deep inside

You can be free at last, but you’ve got to decide

Is it gonna be hide or seek?

Is it gonna be win or lose?

Is it gonna be pride that keeps you from the love that can save you

Isn’t it worth a try?

There’s nothing for you to fear

You can’t deny the burning question here

Is it gonna be hide or seek?

Don’t you think its time to seek the one who came and died?

So you would never have to hide again.

Is it gonna be hide or seek?

Is it gonna be win or lose?

Is it gonna be pride that keeps you from the love that can save you

Isn’t it worth a try?

There’s nothing for you to fear

You can’t deny the burning question here

Oh, don’t deny the burning question here

Is it gonna be hide or seek?

I was 35 when that song became a continual theme in my mind. When I was 20 and away at college, "my" youth minister, Keith, bought himself a new cassette. He listened to the music throughout a drive one day and when he arrived home, he had his precious wife listen to the cassette and asked her who each of the songs reminded her of. I received that cassette as a gift from them within a matter of days. It was Susan Ashton's recordings titled Wakened by the Wind (1991). Each of those songs resonated within my soul and I warped out that poor cassette.

15 years later, I just happened across another one of her CDs: So Far...the Best of Susan Ashton about a week before my world seemed to be disintegrating. The day I drove to my primary care physician to get guidance on what I needed to do to stop this 'un-raveling of myself', I played this newly-bought CD. Once again, God worked through this amazing artist to speak, to comfort and to heal my heart.

I realize this is a lengthy post but I wanted to include 2 more of "her" songs that have really ministered to me during this time of healing transformation with the hopes that they may minister to the wounds of others.

"Suffer in Silence" sung by Susan Ashton

Heart in a bottle, high on a shelf,

fragile but just out of reach

'Cause you build a fortress with the distance you keep

But when your heart aches,

doesn't it cut deep?

Chorus: Well, you don't have to suffer, suffer in silence

You don't have to suffer, suffer in silence

Don't you know that your heart can feel like an anchor

When you keep it all inside

No don't, don't suffer in silence.

Withered with sadness, hurting inside

But feeling afraid to impose

So you're an island, but you don't have to be

'Cause if you're inclined you can talk to me.

But, you don't have to suffer, suffer in silence

You don't have to suffer, suffer in silence

Oh, I know that the pain can seem like an ocean but I'm just a word away

No don't, don't suffer in silence.

I'll be your shelter, I'll be your retreat

I'll be your shield against the wind

So, if you need a shoulder for the tears that you keep

Let it come down, let it rain on me.

'Cause, you don't have to suffer, suffer in silence

You should never have to suffer, suffer in silence

Oh, I will hear when you're calling like a voice above the storm

No don't, don't suffer in silence.

"No One Knows My Heart" sung by Susan Ashton
Standing at my window, hidden by the night
Harboring the private wounds, safe and out of sight
There's an agony in living, but there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart better than you.

I can face a lot of people with this sanguine act of mine
Guarded by the eloquence I sometimes hide behind
But it's a veil of false pretenses that You can see right thru
'Cause no one knows my heart better than you.

Chorus: Part of me is reaching, and part of me holds back
But when it comes to You I am a doorway
You're free to walk into
'Cause no one knows my heart better than you.

Chorus: Part of me is reaching, and part of me holds back
But when it comes to You I am a doorway You're free to walk into
'Cause no one knows my heart better than you.

There's an agony in living but there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart, oh, no one knows my heart
No one knows my heart better than you...

Random Acts of Poetry: True Home

2009-06-05T13:56:00.005-05:00

Amidst the chaos,

I felt all alone.

Yet a quiet Voice, filled with peace,

said, "Follow Me home".

"Where? How? What home?",

I did implore.

The Voice said, "Look to your heart and

open the door.

A sense of peace,

Within my heart did reside.

For God's Holy Spirit,

Chose within me to abide.

Friday Fill-Ins (#126)

2009-06-04T19:43:00.005-05:00

For more Friday fill-ins, visit Janet's site here.

I am glad that my younger sister and her little boy have come home for a visit over the next few days. Great way to begin the summer :).
My favorite thing for dinner lately has been Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal or a cold bologna sandwich.
Since my mom is not allowed to have dogs in her apt., my sister's dog is in my backyard and is obviously not happy with the situation as I am continually hearing him bark! bark! bark!
A nice long walk is a habit that I am hoping to establish over the summer.
Late 2008 and so far 2009 has had more than its share of bad news. I am looking forward to hearing some good news.
When all is said and done, THANKFULLY, God is above and in charge of ALL.
And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner out with my husband, tomorrow my plans include hanging out and enjoying time with my mom and sister and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, get caught up on some reading, and simply enjoy the day!

Personal Prayer Request

2009-06-04T09:42:00.005-05:00

Dear Friends,

I received word earlier this week that my dad is now receiving hospice care and my heart is breaking. He has "called wolf" many times regarding illnesses but this time, it seems to be legitimate (though it is difficult to tell, he is a master at scheming manipulations). I still do not have any contact with my dad---now going on 5+ years. The only thing that seems to have changed is his physical health status, so personal contact remains an unwise and unsafe option.

Please pray for his salvation above all. Please pray for his comfort and healing, if God wills.
Please pray for me and my siblings as we face this undesirable situation. My 2 sisters and I no longer have a relationship with our dad. My brother lives in the same town and is carrying the brunt of whatever responsibilities this entails.
Please pray for the skill of those responsible for his care.
Please pray for whatever details/issues I may not have thought of because of feeling a bit overwhelmed.

THANK YOU dear ones. I very much appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Shame Off You...Chapter 3 "A Rose for a Rose"

2009-06-02T08:56:00.007-05:00

(Direct quotes from the book are noted in red.)

This chapter began with the author’s memories of an occurrence within his congregation where each woman in the church was honored by the gift of a rose. He wrote a lengthy poignant “Spirit-led confession” in regards to the many ways in which women, young and old, have been dishonored and shamed in our world. His words were supernaturally honest, thoughtful, and healing while reminding us that we serve a God who sympathizes with our every wound. His words of confession/apology were hard to describe but incredibly worthwhile to read.

“The cycle of shame can only be broken when repentance replaces bitterness...healed when honor replaces dishonor. To let go of shame, you must let go of your own sinful reaction to it. Be angry but do not sin. Hold no judgment. Harbor no resentment. Nourish no bitter roots."

I've never considered how my response to the shame could, in and of itself, be sinful.
I can see how I've allowed my reactions to rule my life. That is unacceptable because Christ and He, alone, are to rule my life. 'Letting go' seems like a daunting task but I am thankful that "I can do all through Christ..."

The chapter closes with the now familiar ABC format:

Ask: "What bitter roots have sprung in my heart from the seeds of shame?"

Believe: No matter what depths I've experienced, I need harbor no bitterness, judgment, or resentment. I can be angry but not sin. I can grieve, but have hope.

Choose: I choose today to release bitterness, judgment, and resentment from my heart. While I may not have received an apology from my offenders, I forgive them on the confession of another. While I do not excuse the offense, I lift the offender unto God for His blessing.

Daily Gratitudes # 6

2009-06-02T00:12:00.010-05:00

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

Saturday, May 30: for a good night's rest, soft sound of early morning rain, and a beautiful sunrise on the lake.
Friday, May 29: need I say it again...THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!
Thursday, May 28: for my class-room parents who DON'T think that they are THE exception to the school schedules and routines...hmmm, I may be misusing gratitude to voice a complaint. 1 more day of school...1 more day of school...
Wednesday, May 27: for my wonderfully amazing co-workers. Bullard ISD is a great place to work!
Tuesday, May 26: for the last "full day schedule" of the school year!! YAY!!
Monday, May 25: for a beautiful sunshine-y afternoon and for the Pre-K Completion Ceremony.
Sunday, May 24: for my husband's graciousness at the times I feel out of sorts.
Saturday, May 23: for the convenience of OTC medicines that help when feeling "out-of-sorts".
Friday, May 22: for a nice surprise dinner out with my husband. Thank you, Wayne.
Thursday, May 21: for a fun-filled morning with my Pre-K class while participating in the campus' "Field Day".
Wednesday, May 20: for having the privilege to learn more of God's Word with an amazing group of women. I so appreciate you, Sherrie, Kathy, Debbie, Krystal, Rebecca, Cheryl, Jill, and Dena.
Tuesday, May 19: for trustworthy people who say what they mean and mean what they say.
Monday, May 18: for stomach-aching laughter with good friends.
Sunday, May 17: for the reminders of what a privilege we, as believers, have in the power of prayer.
Saturday, May 16: for a FABULOUS niece and nephew who are celebrating their May 11th bday with a fun party today. Can't believe it's been 9 years, Allen and Elizabeth. I love you both SO much!!
Friday, May 15: for "perfect weather" for the Pre-K "nothing-but-fun-day"!
Thursday, May 14: for the ability to wish a long-lost friend "Happy Birthday" via Facebook. Enjoy your day, Kristina!!
Wednesday, May 13: for classroom parents who are actually involved in their child's life and education.
Tuesday, May 12: for loving people who cover me in prayer when times are tough. "Thank you's" especially to my blogging buddies Denise, Gail, Tina, and Susan. Each of you are appreciated.
Monday, May 11: for the opportunity to attend a workshop tomorrow & escape the frenziness of the end of the school year for at least one day.
Sunday, May 10: for an amazing Mom whose daily strength and perseverance continue to amaze me. Happy Mother's Day, momma! I love you very much.
Saturday, May 9: for a husband who allows me to 'crash-and-burn' after a week filled with activity, emotion, and chaos.
Friday, May 8: for my God who is capable and willing to over-ride and bring out the best from the foolish choices I make.

(Thanks to heartlight.org for the photo depicting Scripture.)

Random Acts of Poetry

2009-05-29T17:41:00.007-05:00

I was, recently, awakened by bad dreams. I was having difficulty falling back to sleep and ended up writing my thoughts in my prayer journal. The following poems were the result. The words came amazingly easy and my heart immediately felt comforted.

Divorce

Unmet expectations.
Broken promises.
Shattering hearts.

Failed attempts.
Hurtful words.
Soul-aching pain.

Incomplete,
Yet finality exists.
Affects all loved ones,
Regardless of age or relationship.

Compromises made.
Inconveniences occur.
Altering concepts of trust.

Abuse

Searing words.
Punishment undeserved.
Disappearing of self.

Many questions,
too afraid to ask.
Longing for comfort,
too fearful to seek.

Captured soul.
Damaged heart.
Invisible scars.

Reaching out,
yet no one sees.
Inwardly screaming,
yet no one hears.

Discovery of masks,
so no one suspects.
Smiling facade
to hide pain within.
Busy-ness in tasks,
to hide spirit of anguish.

Agonizing doubts of self-worth,
with long-lasting effects.
Difficulty trusting any,
including self.

Unexpectedly,
personal veil is torn.
Images occur.
Memories return.
Sadness engulfs.
Anger is felt.

Overwhelmed by shame,
yet miraculously overtaken by grace.
Ability to forgive occurs
and peace begins to reign.

Disintegrating defenses.
Opening of heart.
Healing of soul.
Deepening of willingness to trust.

Unforgettable occurrences,
Yet graciously covered by a
Redeeming Love
Offered by a
Heavenly Father’s hand.

Scripture

God’s Holy Words.
Penetrates the soul.
Completes the heart.

Ever-deepening understanding
promoting insatiable
appetite for more.

Grace freely offered.
Moments of enveloping peace.
Soul graciously being restored.

Security found.
Reconciliation occurs.
Relationship is restored.

Overwhelming appreciation
for an unfathomable forgiveness,
and a continual Presence of a Love freely given.

Betrayal

Deep wounds.
Bruised soul.
Death of relationship.

Abiding anger.
Heated tears.
Aching all over.

Regrets form.
Remorse felt.
Restoration unlikely.

Questioning why?
Doubting of self.
Relinquishment to God.

Healing hands of Spirit.
Compassionate grasp of Savior.
Merciful acts of God.

Renewal of spirit.
Healing of heart.
New journey begins.

Friday Fill-Ins (#125)

2009-05-29T17:16:00.008-05:00

For more Friday-fill-ins, check out Janet's site.

It's cold and I shouldn’t complain after eating a huge bowl of ice cream to celebrate the end of another school year.

I love garden-fresh tomatoes.

My favorite health and beauty product is my facial cleaner. I love how my skin feels right after washing my face.

I love to listen to my Christian music CD’s on a nice long ride.

Well, first of all I am SO glad that it is Friday and the summer break will soon officially begin.

My precious Pre-K kiddos---those were the cast of characters in a recent dream and it was absurd: magical rhythm clapping made all sorts of really fun things appear.

And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to absolutely nothing, tomorrow my plans include paying bills, menu-planning and a special time of prayer and Sunday, I want to attend worship services and talk with my sister, Sheryl!

ABC's of the Word: P

2009-05-27T22:46:00.003-05:00

Thanks again to heartlight.org for the above photograph depicting the verse: Isaiah 10:29
I chose this particular verse because there are so many right now who are feeling "weak" in one area or another. I am so grateful that God is true to His promises. He will give strength to the weary. He will increase the power of the weak.

Shame Off You...Chapter 2: "When Shame Becomes Grace"

2009-05-24T11:17:00.005-05:00

(Direct words from the book are noted in blue.)
Chapter 2 began with the story of a girl who the author described as a "bruised reed". Her story began at the age of 8 and ended with the graciousness of God's glorious hope. I, like this young girl, have carried that same sense of bruising shame since I was a young girl.

My dad temporarily left our home when I was a young girl and that was the 1st of many childhood and teenage incidents that I felt was my fault. The story of the girl in this chapter didn't feel that she was good enough.
I felt that I had asked too much...been too much of a burden. I learned, early on, to not ask anything from others. If I couldn't take care of it myself, then it simply wasn't going to be because the heaviness of feeling such responsibility had already stripped too much away from my soul.

The concept of making "impossible vows" was discussed.

"Vows" that I remember making included, I can't ever let specific ones see me cry either because I had to be strong for them or expressing that sort of weakness/vulnerability would lead to some sort of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. I could deeply relate to the words about a soul being crippled with fear. I am just now, at 38 years of age, learning to walk without emotional crutches.

Shame finds its foothold in that fault line---between what you ought to be and what you are. Unresolved, it's a chasm that invites a mantra of despair. You must measure up to be worth anything, but you can't measure up, so what's the use of living?...Shame binds people into a prison of performance-based living. I believe shame to be the single greatest source of anxiety in the universe.

I am so grateful that within the past 2-3 years, God has shown me through His Word and His people that no amount of "doing" warrants His love for me or the gift of His salvation. What a freedom! I am slowly learning to accept that He is in control of all. I never was. I never had to be. I never can be.

Alan Wright discussed the sport of greyhound dog racing---how the greyhounds, time and time again, shoot out of their gates at unbelievable speeds in an attempt to catch a "rabbit" that is and always will be unattainable. He compared this race for the unattainable to how shame-based people are chasing after an unattainable love.

He posed the wondering of what might happen to the dogs if they realized that no matter how fast they ran, no matter how hard they tried, they'd never be good enough to catch that rabbit. Analogous to how one's life can become when it has been based upon those "impossible vows". Hope would disappear. Anxiety would grow. Emotional anguish would feel unbearable. He points out how those who carry shame run even harder out of the desperate longing for love. "Plainly put, shame is the painful feeling that there is some flaw in you that keeps you from catching the rabbit."

People use shame to motivate others because they don't know the way of God. God never uses shame to motivate us toward right living or excellence. He never motivates us withholding His love from us. God does not motivate by withholding love, but by giving love.

What an amazingly freeing thought. This truth spoke volumes to my soul. I do not have children of my own but this truth is already altering how I handle classroom discipline to the precious children that have been entrusted to my care.

Wright expressed his thoughts on how the "sequence" of Genesis 1:28 contrasted commonly believed messages of Christianity: "Love the Lord, do good, give generously, live right, serve God, and the Lord will really love you and bless you." He shared what he believes to be the true Biblical formula: "God really loves you and has blessed you; therefore, love the Lord, do good, give generously, live right, and serve God...Shame does change behaviors---but it doesn't change hearts...Grace means God loved you before you Him."

That definition of grace is the most clearly that I've ever understood the concept and I am in awe. I don't have to try harder. My motivation of service to and for God is because of His love for me not an attempt to earn that love. I only need to look to God as my Savior and accept His gracious gift. He is the only One capable of saving.

The chapter, again, ended with an ABC format.
Ask: What "rabbits" have I chased and why?

Believe: "The sequence is everything: God blessed Adam and Even and then told them to be fruitful. The blessing came first." I do not have to be fruitful in order to be blessed. I am blessed and, therefore, I can be fruitful.

Choose: I choose today to quit pursuing that which cannot be caught. I will no longer seek to earn love because love cannot be earned. I will surrender my efforts to prove myself acceptable.

Six Things...consider yourself "tagged"

2009-05-24T00:40:00.008-05:00

My friend Denise posted this fun "tag" so thought I'd join in. Be sure to 'click' on her name to read more about this wonderful lady.

Six things that are unimportant, but make me happy.

Milk chocolate that melts in your mouth.
Genuine giggles from my classroom kiddos over the most silly 'things'.
Listening to "Contemporary Christian Music" and 'dancing' around with my dog-buddy, Bailey.
Spending the day in my pj's with nothing that "has to be done".
A "wholesome-make-ya-feel-good" movie without any tear-jerking moments.
A warm, bubble-bath soak while watching one of those movies mentioned above.

If you want to play along, consider yourself "tagged". Remember to comment so others may follow along. :)

RAP: The Gift

2009-05-23T22:17:00.003-05:00

The Gift

Oh, Lord, my Savior and my God.

I am amazed at the paths You have trod.

A Holy One sent for all---even me.

To give His life on Calvary.

What unfathomable love You do possess;

To give Your all so that all may rest.

Within Your deep, abiding love,

My heart is set on my home above.

Thank You, Father, for the gift You gave---

Your only Son died so that souls could be saved.

A gift from God; a gift of grace.

No other love can I with Yours replace.

I thank You, Father; my God, my friend.

I will be true You, until the end.

Stacy Golden

January 1996

Friday Fill-Ins (#125)

2009-05-21T22:42:00.006-05:00

For more Friday Fill-ins, visit Janet's site.

Moving closer to God each and every day is my heart’s biggest quest.
5 more school days and then I am free, free, free for the summer!
My best quality is being able to sense when there is a legitimate need in the lives of others.
I wish all people, including myself (at times) would pay more attention to details. Seems like much would run more smoothly and peacefully if that would happen.
In nearly 10 years, I will be close to 50 years old.
Peace in my heart, comfort in my body and rest in my mind is what I need right now!
And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to taking a peaceful nature walk, tomorrow my plans include shopping at the “teacher store” and possibly fishing and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, clean the house, and have some fun!

ABC's of the Word: O

2009-05-21T19:15:00.002-05:00

The photo above is compliments of heartlight.org

Psalm 119:18 in the New Living Translation: "Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your law."

I came across this verse while browsing the heartlight website mentioned above and have made that a personal prayer for the past couple of weeks.

Just yesterday, through the words of 2 dear friends at 2 separate times, God brought 2 verses to my attention that have greatly altered my attitude and my sense of peace.

One verse I was familiar with, yet had never "really" considered what the 2nd part of the verse was describing. Sherrie pointed out those words and my heart melted. The verse was Philippians 4:7 "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I understood the concept that the peace of God was immensely more than my mind could comprehend but the TRUTH that the peace will guard my heart and mind was so much what I needed to hear because recently I have felt that my very heart was being attacked and that I may very well go crazy if the emotional pounding wouldn't stop. To KNOW that God is guarding those areas has truly given me peace.

The other verse I don't think had ever been truly addressed in my life, in my heart, or in my soul. Jim read aloud 1 Corinthians 2:16: "...we can understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ." To know that it is true that I have the mind of Christ because God's Word tells me just that blows my mind away. I (and all believers) have the ability to think like Christ and act/speak accordingly.
While processing these truths today, I realized that my words were far fewer than usual. The senseless chattering ceased. The meaningful words increased. The willingness to 'hold my tongue' until I felt prompted, by God, to speak allowed me to better listen to others and offered more times of silence to consider Christ.

Lord, once again, You have amazed me. Thank you for blessing me with friends, such as Jim and Sherrie, who lovingly speak Your truth to me. Lord, please plant these seeds of Your Word deep into my soul so that they may grow within me and allow me to live out these truths in my everyday life. I love You, Father, and I thank You so much for loving me. AMEN

For more ABC's of the Word, visit Pam's site.

Shame Off You...Chapter 1 "Coup D'etat

2009-05-17T14:36:00.010-05:00

(Words from the book are noted in color.)

The book began with the telling of how the Iraqi national soccer team was once severely punished by Uday Hussein (son of Saddam Hussein) when a game was lost. The fun of a game had been replaced by the fear of punishment.

The author, Alan Wright, related the ordeal of the soccer team to our motivations for the choices we make in our lives. He discussed the internal pressures that we feel either due to the influences of others or our our inward drives.

Wright stresses the fact that "there is a way to live apart from the pressure to perform."

I am desperately seeking how to be rid of the drive to perform due to the preconceived pressure to live up to the expectations of others.

In the section titled "Life Motivators", the author points out that "All people who try hard at life do so for one of two reasons---they're fearful and looking for acceptance or they're fulfilled and looking to make a difference. These opposing life motivators are matters of the heart and can be well hidden from public views."

Such a simple view but profoundly true!
For as long as I can remember, I have been motivated by one fear or another. Thankfully, I am at the initial stages of discovering true fulfillment.

Wright posed some questions to himself that resonated within my heart. The questions I could mostly relate to were:

Why am I so sensitive to anything resembling criticism?
Why do I need everyone to like me?
Why can't I fail without feeling like a failure?
Why do I have such vague boundaries in my life?
Why can't I care for others without having to take on the weight of the world?
Why doesn't it ever occur to me that maybe God has given me some important gifts and I do have something special to offer?
Is there something in me that shies away from ultimate success?

He proposes that the underlying answer to those questions is shame---"a feeling of being inwardly flawed ---of not measuring up."

Wright discusses the problems he's encountered through out his life because of shame (being overly sensitive, being motivated by self-fulfillment, dishonesty in relationships, criticism of others, continued sense of fear and dread, imbalances in personal and professional life, co-dependency issues, self-hatred, tendencies towards addictive behavior, feeling like a "phony").

I have placed so much of my identity and self-worth on the opinions and actions of others. Being a 'people-pleaser' that was motivated by fear due to an overwhelming sense of shame has personally caused much heartache and pain. Never feeling as I could measure up caused emotional chaos, anxiety and a depression that settled into the depths of my soul.

I am beginning to understand and appreciate the concepts of grace and am eagerly awaiting the day that I can quote Wright's words on my own behalf: "Shame has been overthrown and Grace has become the main motivator in my life."

I have always felt distanced and different from others but am now realizing that those perceived differences were because for the longest time, I didn't open up to anyone, including God. Wright "...promises because God promises that the truth will set you free". He explained that his hopes for this book is to allow "...fresh explanations of the truth to correct our thinking" and to offer "...stories to touch our hearts and heal our wounds".

How my parched soul longs for this sharing of water. I have to accept that my wounds are not too deep to be understood or healed. I also must not minimize my shame because the avoidance of such will negate any sort of healing.

The chapter ends with ABC's:

Ask what motivates my efforts?

Believe: I do not need fear to motivate me for God has not given a spirit that makes me a "slave again to fear [for I have] received the Spirit of sonship." (Romans 8:15)

Choose today to uncover shame's influence in my life and commit myself to overthrow its silent tyranny in my soul.

Shame Off You...personal online study

2009-05-16T22:47:00.004-05:00

Months ago, I came across some information about Alan D. Wright's book SHAME OFF YOU. I was intrigued by the title and the books synopsis but the idea of reading the book fell by the wayside. A few days ago, the title of this book resurfaced in my mind. I've since purchased the book and am already amazed at how much I can relate to within this book. Chapter One is already "marked up" with underlining, exclamation points, and phrases such as: "can so relate", "amen", "wow", etc.

I am forcing myself to go through this book slowly so that the thoughts and Biblical truths that are presented will have time to be firmly established in my heart. As I'm led to do so, I will be posting on the information that resonates within my heart---kind of like an individual online study.

Feel free to comment or better yet, get the book and study along side of me. I am eagerly anticipating an amazing journey :).

Poetry from the Past

2009-05-16T21:53:00.008-05:00

I enjoyed writing "poems" a few years ago but never really progressed past the stage of 'rhyming-words'. Giving a shot to the writing challenge found at the higher calling blog.

The Cave

I walked through the darkness in the dead of the night.

Be my glory ever---Jesus shined the light.

Though silent and stumbling, I fell along the cave.

Jesus shined forth a path to guide me all the way.

The way was treacherous, jagged and confined;

Yet I felt the gentle warmth of His hand in mine.

I walked out in the opening and into the light.

My Savior's arms grabbed me; I felt His strength and delight.

"Oh, Heavenly Father, I thought I was alone."

"No, My child", he answered, "I caught every loose stone."

"Always be faithful, just and true, and know that in the darkest times,

I will always carry you through."

Stacy Golden

1-8-96

Friday Fill-Ins (#124)

2009-05-15T00:10:00.003-05:00

For more Friday-fill-ins, visit Janet at this site.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

If we had no winter, I'd be thrilled. I am not a cold weather person AT ALL.
Learning how to better love and serve God is a perpetual astonishment as is learning more of His love for me.
If I had my life to live over I would rely more on God and less on myself.
I am amazed at how much one's life can change just inside of four and twenty hours.
If you've never been thrilled you've never witnessed the birth of a child or the salvation of one you have long been praying for.
To be interested in the changing seasons is not something I truly appreciate. I enjoy spring and summer and a small bit of fall.
And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing after having enjoyed an official "nothing-but-fun-day" with my 24 classroom kiddos, tomorrow my plans include organizing the guest room, catching up on laundry, and researching Malaysia and Sunday, I want to enjoy the company of fellow-believers in worship, prepare for the last 10 days of this school year, and catch up on some reading!

ABC's of the Word: N

2009-05-13T16:26:00.001-05:00

For more ABC's of the Word, please visit Pam at her website.
I am really enjoying the photos representing Scripture that can be found at heartlight.org

This verse found in Isaiah is a truth that I have been grappling with. I am longing for the Lord but continue to have a difficult time with accepting that He IS my soul need.
My soul doesn't need the acceptance and approval of others. My soul doesn't need any sort of strength that I offer as my own ability. My soul doesn't need my "works" to earn salvation. My soul doesn't need the fears that I've allowed Satan to have reign over for way too long.
MY SOUL NEEDS HIM and HIM ALONE. I continue to pray that this TRUTH will take root in my heart and grow in Him and because of Him

Gracious Healing Despite the Pain

2009-05-11T17:29:00.014-05:00

These past couple of days have been agonizingly painful, yet tenderly healing at the same time. I didn't realize that one could actually feel the heaviness of their own heart. I didn't realize that one could hurt so deeply within that taking a simple breath actually feels painful. By nature, I am pretty much an introvert; I can chit-chat the day away but nothing too personal. I learned to guard my heart long ago.

I have learned that my ways of protection can be sinful, selfish, and at times, blatantly defiant. I am to trust in God. He is my shelter. He is my protector. I am not self-sufficient, much less self-reliant. I can, through Him, wisely choose when and with whom to share the innermost parts of my soul and trust that God will take care of the relationship, the possible consequences and He will take care of me.

I am learning how to trust. I am learning how to be a bit more 'open'. I am learning how to allow myself to feel rather than relying on avoidance, denial and even dishonesty. There are many things, in my past, that I hadn't (until recently) acknowledged much less processed in thoughts or emotions. And that "processing" is far more difficult than I had ever anticipated. No regrets about doing so but wondering if and when the tears of my soul will cease. Weariness has taken on a whole new meaning. I pray that He is listening. I pray that He does heal. I pray that He does not despise. I pray for all those whose hearts feel hurts, far worse, than I can even comprehend.

Longings of my heart...

2009-05-10T01:39:00.007-05:00

Tonight seems to be one of those dark nights that bring restless sleep to my body, bad dreams to my mind, tears to my eyes, and aches to my heart. I am hanging onto the promises of God. I know that He is true and that His loving-kindness will guide me through these sort of moments but the hurt remains.

I am missing loved ones that have gone on to be with the Lord. I am so glad that they made it home but selfishly, I want them here with me. I want one more hug. I want one more talk. I want one more chance to love them well. I want one more opportunity to be in their presence.

I am regretting relationships gone wrong and wonder if they may ever be restored, this side of heaven. I am wondering why and where they went wrong. I am wondering why I still care?

I am missing those who remain alive but for one reason or another are no longer part of my life.

My heart is heavy, my body is aching, and my tears are many. I am longing for simplicity. I am longing for emotional wholeness and health. I am longing for healing. I am longing for pure rest and true peace. I am longing to truly abide in the presence of my Lord without all of this baggage hanging from my soul.

Daily Gratitudes # 5

2009-05-10T01:05:00.005-05:00

I keep a sidebar for my "Daily Gratitude". I've really enjoyed having these small moments of appreciation. I couldn't, possibly, list all that I am grateful for each day but having the simple reminder to keep an "attitude of gratitude" has been worthwhile for me. I keep the sidebar posts going but 'cut and paste' that list when it gets lengthy. Fell a lil' behind in the most recent posts because of not regularly entering the blogging space but hopefully, all will get back in some sort of routine.

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful...

April 28: for chocolate meringue pie...SO GOOD!

April 27: for moments of peace and total acceptance.

April 26: for the blessings of joining treasured friends to worship God this morning.

April 25: for a sweet surprise on our front porch...looks as if a baby owl has found a safe place to stay awhile.

April 24: for encouraging friends who share words of love, wisdom, and encouragement.

April 23: for those who make it their job to ensure the safety of children.

April 22: for feeling so much better after being sick.

April 21: for the comforts of home during times of illness.

April 20: for the successful surgery of my young friend, Keith, who has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

April 19: for a sun-filled, restful day.

April 18: for a day filled with nothing definite; simply a day to hang out and be. YAY!! Couldn't be at a better time :)

Friday Fill-Ins (#123)

2009-05-08T17:28:00.005-05:00

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2009/05/123.html

1. Apples are to oranges as worry is to faith.

2. This will only be the 2nd time in 14+ years of teaching that I will not be in tears on the last day of school and that's all I have to say about that.

I think I hear absolutely nothing!! Praise God for moments of still and quiet!!

Show respect to the flag and what and whom it represents.

Do what you want to do, but know that there are consequences for every action.

Here comes my Grandddaddy and behind him was a Radio Flyer wagon; in the wagon was a bucket filled with watermelons that I was to sell around the neighborhood. Sweet childhood memories. :)

And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going home with no school-related tasks in hand or bag, tomorrow my plans include a serious amount of time in prayer, exercise, and rest and Sunday, I want to worship with fellow believers, be refreshed for the upcoming week, and spend time with my mom.

ABC's of the Word...Mm

2009-05-07T16:58:00.002-05:00

Father, even as I post this verse, my heart is heavily convicted with how much I need to put this command into practice. Please soften my heart, guard my mind and guide my tongue. Allow me the discernment to know what, when, and how much should come out of my mouth.
For more M-verses, visit Pam's site.

ABC's of the Word: L

2009-05-01T22:52:00.002-05:00

For more ABC's of the Word, visit Pam.

Friday Fill-Ins (#122)

2009-05-01T22:12:00.007-05:00

For more fill-ins, visit Janet.

Hope all have a wonderful weekend!!

1. The first rule of working in an office and getting along is only speaking about what is both kind and true.

2. I don't know much about clams but I like the clam-strips(?) at Long John Silver's.

3. When I think of carnivals I think of bright lights, childhood giggles, funnel cakes and pink cotton candy.

4. Simple white daisies and yellow tulips are my favorite spring flower(s).

5. Things on my desk include dog-bone paint prints completed today in celebration of the letter Bb. Pre-K students find joy in the simplest of things (so does their teacher) :)

6. Sunny, blue skies makes me wanna go to any beach, any where.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to shopping at one of the local Christian book stores, seeing my Mom, and catching up on my Wednesday evening Bible Study readings, tomorrow my plans include running routine errands, paying bills, catching up with some friends and bathing my sweet, but smelly dog and Sunday, I want to participate and encourage others to get involved in SOME way with short-term or long-term mission trips through a special-missions-focus at my place of worship!

An Untroubled Heart...(book study)

2009-04-28T17:19:00.008-05:00

I am, officially, going to withdraw from the blogging participation of this round of on-line study. If it is okay with all, I would still like to read thoughts from others as I continue to read through the book. Micca has so much to share and I am learning more than I can, literally, put into words at this time.

I know that this endeavor of replacing fears with freedom will be SO worth the effort, in the long run but right now, I simply don't have the words...just a lot of tears, many questions, agonizing moments in my walk with God and in personal counseling as well as moments of peace I've never known before. I am in a frightening , unfamiliar place and would greatly appreciate any and all prayer.

I know that this journey will not lead to a dead-end but I am weary of the dark corners along the road. I plan to keep on "bloggin"; I just can't seem to pull my thoughts together well enough to timely post along others in the study.

Hope this made, at least, a little bit of sense. Thanks, in advance, for understanding. For actual thoughts on this wonderful book, please visit Lelia and check out her insights as well as the insights of others.

Friday Fill-Ins (#121)

2009-04-24T20:52:00.005-05:00

And...here we go! For more fill-ins, visit Janet.

Apparently there's some sort of Spring Fever in the air. Our campus students are wildly out of control--well, as out of control as 4-8 year olds can be :)
Thank God for a sunny day today. Took the opportunity to extend recess.
2009 has been an emotional roller-coaster so far.

My principal said that we could leave as soon as all of our students were gone and that was it, I was out the door before the intercom clicked off. :)

For too long I've been trying to be in control of all. Glad to finally accept that all is not up to me. God is willing and able to care for all, including me.

I am not obsessed with summer time plans; I am not!

And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing absolutely nothing, tomorrow my plans include running errands and spending time with my mom and Sunday, I want to attend worship services and enjoy the day with my husband.

8 Things...

2009-04-24T19:37:00.003-05:00

I came across this meme on Denise's and Laurie's blog. Looked like some light-hearted fun so thought I'd join in.

Here's how to do this 8 THINGS tag:
Mention the person that tagged you.
Complete the lists of 8's.
Tag 8 of your wonderful bloggy friends.
Go tell them you tagged them!

If you want to play along, consider yourself tagged. Please leave a comment so that I may go visit your "8 things...". Have fun!

8 things I look forward to:

Daily quiet time with the Lord
An evening out with my husband
Time off during the summer to prepare for next school year, to travel, to relax and have some fun.
Going to work (on most days)
Getting emails, facebook notes, blog comments, and good ol’ snail-mail from those I care about
Wednesday night Bible Studies with an awesome group of ladies
One day spending eternity with Christ
Spending fun times with my family; especially my nephews and my niece

8 things I did yesterday:

Went to work and enjoyed my class after being out ill for the past two days
Called my mom
Called my good friend, Randy
Received a totally un-expected “blast-from-the-past” email that shook my world and has my mind filled with all sorts of questions
Had an amazing, Spirit-filled quiet time with God over many things, but especially, in regards to the unexpected email
Pulled weeds from the yard---my life is full of thrills
Texted my ‘baby sister’
Counted down the days until summer break officially begins

8 shows I watch: (I don’t watch a lot of television…much rather be reading a book or listening to my CDs or radio.)

Re-runs of Gilmore Girls
Re-runs of 7th Heaven
Grey’s Anatomy
Re-runs of MASH
Army Wives (but I don’t think it is coming on anymore)
good grief…can’t think of anything else other than what I simply hear in the background as my husband watches TV…I could easily list 8 movies I like to watch over and over SO…

8 movies I could watch over and over:

Runaway Bride
Pretty Woman
City Slickers
What About Bob?
Sweet Home Alabama
Love Comes Softly Series
When Harry Met Sally
Sleepless in Seattle
Remember, consider yourself tagged and post a comment so I can come read your 8.

ABC's of the Word: K

2009-04-23T20:38:00.007-05:00

This past week has been one of reflection, repentance, and gratefulness. While thinking about which "k-verse" to post, I wanted to find one that shared the concept of kindness.

I pass these words of Scripture on to Carol, Denise, Gail, Laura, Laurie, Lelia, Liz, Pam and Sue, and the many other "bloggers" who have been such of source of encouragement and inspiration to me through this odd, yet rewarding "blogosphere" experience.

This is, truly, myheartfelt prayer for all of you.

(Thanks to heartlight.org for such beautiful photographs depicting Scripture.)

With Loving Thoughts In Him,
Stacy

For more ABC's of the Word, visit Pam at her site.

Random thoughts along the way of life...

2009-04-21T11:23:00.001-05:00

Not sure what direction this writing is going to take but I felt compelled to place my thoughts in black-n-white. These past 3 years have been more difficult than I ever anticipated, yet filled with more blessings than I could ever count. I'm still unsure about what all that has transpired actually means, but I do know that I have, repeatedly, been driven to my knees and am learning more and more each day how much God does truly love me and how my love for Him grows with each passing moment.

I have been so blessed with people whose life purpose is focused upon God. All that once seemed so important to me has fallen by the wayside; NOTHING matters more to me than learning more and more about God and knowing how to better love and better serve Him and others in my life.

Some days are harder than others. The ghosts of the past continue to have more power than I'd like them to have, but the power is dissipating. Some days I feel as if I am one of the walking wounded and other days, I feel as if I could soar like an eagle. I know that 'healing is a process' but how I am longing for consistency--especially in the emotional arena.

I know that all else pales in comparison to knowing, loving, and surrendering ALL to God but the control-freak inside of me is still, at times, gripped with fear about where this 'surrender' may lead. I acknowledge and repent of this fear because I know that this is a tool of Satan's to keep my heart within his grasp. After all, I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR because my Lord can hold the ocean within the palms of His hands (see Isaiah 40) so I KNOW that He can and will handle all that comes my way.

So, I will continue on this journey, amidst the hills and valleys, while trusting that God has made me more than a conqueror (Romans 8) and that He can and will cast out all of my fears.

Praise Report on Prayer Requests...

2009-04-21T10:43:00.005-05:00

THANK YOU for your loving thoughts and prayers.

Keith, my 7th grade friend, came through his surgery better than expected---Praise God. His thyroid cancer is the form that is most successfully cured. Apparently, there are 4 types of thyroid cancer and he has the "best form" (!!). They did have to remove one-half of his thyroid but his recovery is going well. He will begin radiation treatments in approximately 4-6 weeks.
Jake left for boot camp with excitement, anticipation, and amidst a few tears.
My summative conference went well. A few awkward moments but all topics that needed to be discussed were successfully covered, amidst some stuttering, watery eyes and a nervous rash (all from me, of course!!). My principal, Michelle, is a gracious, compassionate, Godly woman and I am so thankful that she is not only my boss but has also become a dear friend. Time will tell if the conversations lead to any pertinent changes but I feel blessed to have been "heard."

Whew!! What a day :).

Daily Gratitudes # 4

2009-04-20T16:16:00.004-05:00

I try to keep a sidebar of my "Daily Gratitude". I've really enjoyed having these small moments of appreciation. I couldn't, possibly, list all that I am grateful for each day but having the simple reminder to keep an "attitude of gratitude" has been worthwhile for me. I keep the sidebar posts going but 'cut and paste' that list when it gets lengthy.

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

April 17: for only 6 more Fridays before summer vacation!!

April 16: for the hope that we, as believers, have in Christ, even in tragedy and death.

April 15: for the new beginning of a Wednesday Bible Study with Godly women.

April 14: for a BEAUTIFUL sunny afternoon that allowed my WAY-ACTIVE Pre-K students to play outside!!

April 13: for the privilege of celebrating my father-in-law's 87th birthday with him today.

April 12: for a fun Easter afternoon with 50 family members at our house for lunch and a 1200+ egg hunt. Praising God for all things---especially for the sunshine-y afternoon!

April 11: for my mom who is always willing to help me; always there to encourage me, and who always remembers me in prayer. Love you lots, Mom!

April 10: for unused "Bad Weather Days" that allowed the faculty, staff, and students a day off for the Easter weekend.

April 9: for involved parents of my students who helped make an at-school egg hunt enjoyable.

April 8: for the gift of writing that Micca Campbell shares in her book AN UNTROUBLED HEART. I am learning so much from her.

April 7: for an encouraging, supportive, loving husband.

April 6: for supportive, understanding co-workers and friends.

April 5: for an encouraging, uplifting, God-adoring worship service this morning.

April 4: that I had the opportunity to see my brother and his 2 children today. Short but enjoyable visit. Can't believe those "twin babies" will soon be 9 years old!!

Chapter 3: Fashioned for Faith---Not Fear

2009-04-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

For more insights on this chapter, visit Lelia's page.

Well, I'm WAY behind in posting (!!)but hopefully better late than never... We'll see... :) As some others have mentioned in their posts, there is so much valuable information that one could easily quote each and every word as something pertinent and valuable. Micca broke down chapter 3 into various sections and I will do the same in my response to her writings. Quotes from the book are noted in blue. Scripture is noted in red.

UNDER GOD’S SHELTERING WINGS

Micca mentioned that one false method in our attempts to overcome fear was to place our confidence in ourselves, and how we, as believers, must base on our identity on who we are in and because of Christ.

Psalm 118:8 “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.”

God, alone, is our safety, our protection, our help, our refuge, our strength, our peace our rest and only in Him may we find the freedom we long for.

I enjoyed her analogy about the umbrella in a storm: "...Livivg in God’s presence is like taking shelter under an umbrella in the midst of a storm. While we can’t stop the rain, we can keep from getting soaked with fear by taking shelter."

CASTING YOUR CARES

"God is willing to release us from our cares and take our concerns upon Himself…when you and I cast our cares on God, we are recognizing that it’s His responsibility to care for us---not ours…What you and I may think is harmful, God is using for our good---to bring us to completion in godly conduct and character…it’s His responsibility to give us what we need…"

I smiled at the idea that God has, willingly and lovingly, taken on the responsibility to give me what I need. Takes a lot of pressure off of me :).

The term "cast off" requires an action; a choice. This brought a youth-camp-memory to mind. I don't remember when or where but way back when...each person was to write down any concerns, worries, fears that were in their heart/mind and then one by one, we went up to the bonfire, stated out loud that these were being willingly given to God. As the flames consumed the paper, we were reminded that attempting to "grab these back" wouldn't be helpful and could lead to harm. Also, the rising smoke was analogous to being received in the heavens. One of those tear-jerking camp-y moments.

WHO’S IN CONTROL?

I could so relate when Micca’s wrote "…even though I continued going to church, I didn’t trust God anymore. He wasn’t the God I thought I knew…God never answered all my questions . Instead, He just showed me who He truly was---and He was enough…"

LIFE-GOAL # 2 from this book "…seeing things from God’s perspective instead of mine."

I, long ago, stopped trusting God, even though I 'walked the right walk and talked the right talk'. I felt that too much harm, too much hurt, too much pain, too many injustices had occurred to me and to many that I loved. I couldn't comprehend a loving God allowing some inexplicable events to occur.

It wasn't until I hit BOTTOM that I realized I don't have the answers, I don't have the strength, I don't have an all-knowing power behind the events and circumstances. No amount of study, no amount of service, no amount of attempting to fix, soothe, and repair were enough. I had the life philosophy that "if it were to be, it was up to me" and I began to realize how miserably I was failing.

THANKFULLY, God brought remembrances and relationships that showed me that He is loving. He is merciful. He is gracious. He is kind. He desires what is best for His children. He is un-changing. His UNCHANGING qualities are what have struck the deepest within my heart. No matter what has happened, no matter what I or others have done change the truths found within His Word.

HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS

The visual image of God measuring the span between His thumb and first finger based upon Isaiah 40:12, caused my heart to soar with delight! I am learning each day about who God REALLY is and I am continually being AMAZED!! Why should I hold onto ANY sort of fear/worry when I have a God who CAN hold the oceans within the palm of His hand?!?

GENUINE FAITH

The danger of misplaced faith brought about a moment of repentance in my heart. I have always "believed" in the existence of God but my "belief" was simply an acknowledgement not a life-altering truth. Reminded me of James 3:19: "Do you still think that it's enough to believe that there is one God? Well, even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror! Fool, When will you ever learn that faith that does not result in good deeds is useless."

I couldn't have possibly being loving the Lord with all of my heart, my mind, and my body. There are parts of my heart that I've yet to expose to anyone, including the Lord, but I am learning. My mind wasn't in submission--I always had MY own plan in mind. Loving with my body would mean I cared for it in such a way to not allow an eating disorder to ravage my system.

I am SO GRATEFUL that God doesn't change and that His loving pursuit of me perseveres.

LIVE LIKE YOU BELIEVE

The more I get to know God, the deeper my love for Him grows. The heartfelt appreciation for all He has done and continues to do increases as my doubts and fears decrease. The choice to believe what God says is true is mine to make.

2 Peter 1:3-4: "As we know Jesus better, His divine power gives us everything we need for living a Godly life. He has called us to receive His same mighty power, He has given us all of His rich and wonderful promises. He has promised that you will escape the decadence all around you caused by evil desires and that you will share in His divine nature."

Who could ask for anything more than to 'share in His divine nature, to receive His same might power'? He has given me 'everything I need to lead a life that is worthy of Him.'

LIVING AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE

Abiding: to always be aware of His presence

LIFE GOAL #3 from this book: "...(be) quick to call to my heavenly Father for help. I need to run to God for comfort and reassurance...I want to become so aware of God's abiding presence in my life that I fall asleep in His arms at night and awake to His presence in the morning."

Whew...long post but I am LOVING THIS BOOK!!

ABC's of the Word...Jj

2009-04-17T16:09:00.010-05:00

I love that "the Lord longs" and "rises to"---all for us in His mighty justice, through Jesus.

For more ABC's of the Word, visit Pam at

Friday Fill-Ins (#120)

2009-04-17T15:42:00.005-05:00

For more fun Friday-fill-ins, visit Janet at www.fridayfillins.blogspot.com

Join me in prayer on Monday. One of my ex-kindergarten kiddos, Keith, who is now in middle school will be having surgery at 1 p.m. Monday to remove a moderately advanced form of cancer from his thyroid. One of my dear friend's son, Jake, is 18/19 and will be leaving for military boot camp Monday evening. I will be having my "annual summative conference" with my principal at 11:30 a.m. Monday, which will include some uncomfortable and possibly confrontational discussions. Looking to be a long day...

Put a little joy in your day! Do something, by surprise and maybe even anonymously for someone who could use a lil' pick-me-up.

Happiness is FINALLY realizing and accepting that there is nothing that I can do or say or have happen that will cause me to lose the love of my God.

Dazed, tired and confused. The last 6 weeks of school are upon us and the changes in routine and the anticipation of a summer break are making teachers and children alike a little more moody.

I'm prayerfully waiting for an "okay" in regards to returning to Jamaica this summer. May not be in the Lord's will for a return trip at this time but I am hoping...

Anything chocolate is hard to resist.

And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to simply being at home and relaxing amidst the current and upcoming thunderstorms, tomorrow my plans include catching up on my online Bible Study postings, running errands, writing cards to loved ones and Sunday, I want to attend worship services, participate in the Small Group Fellowships and have an enjoyable afternoon with my husband!